Modern Proverbs

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* If you live everyday as though it's your last, eventually it'll be appropriate

* Everybody is somebody else's wierdo.

* Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

* If you let a smile be your umbrella, you'll get very wet.

* Smile, and the world wonders what you're up to.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

* He who laughs last thinks slowest

* God must love stupid people...He made SO many.

* My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.

* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

* The meek shall inherit the Earth -- after we're done with it.

* The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong
answers.

* There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

* Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

* On the other hand, you have different fingers.

* Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

* Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

* It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.

* There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

* Life is like a box of chocolates... full of nuts

* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

* If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

* Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

* Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

* Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

* Two wrongs don't make a right...But three lefts do.

* The world is like a box of cereal. It's chock full of nuts, fruits, and flakes.

life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat. Eventually, you'll get pissed off



C. :smiley37: