4 Jokes

A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the
others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece
tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going
to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and
now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old
woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in
front of me, so I mounted her."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped."

2.
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played
the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had
to
be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would
shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try
it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said.......

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon
tewday"

3.MY FIRST CONDOM:
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went into a
drugstore to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman
behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She
handed
me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently
still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store. It was
empty.
She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking
my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite
you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She
then
said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she
dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she insisted, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could
no
longer hold back, and pow, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I replied, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her. .

4.Two Trees & a Woodpecker:
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two
in it, but
Here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A
sapling
Begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,"Is that
a
Son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just
Then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker,
you
Are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son
of
A
Birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small sapling. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
The
Best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."