Hey Hefty Bag... Santa is pissed! Those fuckin' reindeer got into the paperwork shed where I keep all of my firearms background check info and my book of who's good and who's a fuckin' dickwad! I don't care about the firearms stuff too much. Ten minutes with Vixen and the ATF agents go away, but somehow Santa got suckered into having to send you a damn package this Christmas. From what I hear it's probably the only fuckin' package you're gonna get, unless somebody throws a burning box of shit on your porch. So in addition to pickin' up after the fuckin' reindeer, poppin' the missus when I'd rather watch football and keepin' the fuckin' elves from proctreating like something between rabbits and roaches, I gotta read YOUR goddam mind, and there just ain't that much to read. You know, I'm just not in the fuckin' mood.
Next year make a damn resolution to post about cigars! And that goes for the rest of you, too! You spout off about every fuckin' asswipe that ever hit the goddam board, your bullshit politics, hamburgers, women, men, cars, drinkin', and music, along with every other piece of meaningless crap that Santa really doesn't give a flyin' fuck about. But do you post anything about your favorite cigars, hobbies, or any other crap that might make MY life a little easier at this time of year? Fuck, no! Not even a couple of measley lines in a wish list that Santa can read between the shots of Vodka and trips to the shitter! And stop posting about your peckers. Who do you think gives a shit? Take it from me. Ater 400 years it's all downhill. In a couple of years you're all gonna be proppin' up the toilet seat with bricks so your sack doesn't hang in the water! Maybe Hex should change the name of the board to Dear Mrs Fuckin' Abbey?? You'd all like that, wouldn't you? www.dearmrsfuckinabbeyboohoohoomysackiswet.com.
So Hefty, unless you want to get a bag of Santa shit and reinder rockets, you better start typin'. My fuckin' patience is wearing thin. I got an idea... why don't all you fuckin' morons chip in and buy Santa a 200 year supply of qualudes? Every year I ask for the same fuckin' thing, HO-HO-HO! Just 3 of them! Is that too much to ask? I've been tryin' to get 3 women in the ol' reindeer rack for 400 fuckin' years! But does anybody listen? NO! It's Gimme... gimme.. gimme! "I" this and "I" that! I'm fuckin' sick of hearing it! I swear, one of these days I'm gonna quit this fuckin' gig.
And for Chrissake, Hefty! Who the hell is that ugly bastard you have posted in your avatar. In Santa's day we used to post pin-ups of NAKED WOMEN!
So wipe your fuckin' eyes, quit your whinin' and start typing otherwise you're gonna get leftovers, and the way the ol' lady is lookin after 400 years, you wouldn't even want dibs on the firsts, let alone the leftovers. So I'd suggest that you start typin' NOW!
Merry Fucking Christmas!
