Wife is really griping about smoking.

All right, I'm not exactly a big smoker these days. As a matter of fact, I'm lucky to get in more than one a week. The thing is, my wife is REALLY starting to gripe when I smoke a cigar. It's getting where she gripes if I'm smoking outside, in the garage, out with friends, whatever. Generally I ignore it, but I'm starting to get a little perturbed since noticing the big increase in griping. I suspect she's trying her best to irritate me out of the hobby with the constant stress. She did freely admit she'd really prefer I didn't smoke cigars at all.

Anyone ever experience this? :smiley5:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kenyth

All right, I'm not exactly a big smoker these days. As a matter of fact, I'm lucky to get in more than one a week. The thing is, my wife is REALLY starting to gripe when I smoke a cigar. It's getting where she gripes if I'm smoking outside, in the garage, out with friends, whatever. Generally I ignore it, but I'm starting to get a little perturbed since noticing the big increase in griping. I suspect she's trying her best to irritate me out of the hobby with the constant stress. She did freely admit she'd really prefer I didn't smoke cigars at all.

Anyone ever experience this? :smiley5:

---

You should just donate all your cigars to me. Your wife will be pleased that you gave up the hobby and I will be happy with a full humidor. Everyone wins!


Except for you, I guess. :smiley42:

Explain to her that one or two cigars a week keeps you from completely flipping out and going "hunting for sport"!

Seriously, if that small refuge and enjoyment that you get bothers her that much.. it's time for a serious talk. I'm sure you could take the low road, and find something that she does that either costs money, or annoys the piss out of YOU!

Just tell her that the only reason you smoke is because it's your escape from her complaining. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe if she stops ... you'll stop.



Maybe.

Smoke 2-3 per day for the next week. Then ask her if she liked it better when you used to smoke 1 a week. Maybe she'll see that her bitching was a little on the excessive side...or maybe she'll see a divorce lawyer.

Good luck.

Every person has a reason for nagging...smiles so what is her reasoning for not wanting you to smoke, money smell your health? When you come in from the garage smelling like a pardon 1926 maduro what would be her rant?:smiley3:

Wow. That makes me feel lucky. We have some of our best chats while sitting on the back deck "while I smoke a stog". She even likes the smell of some of them.

My wife doesn't like that I do it, but she knows I'm not going to stop. She'll occasionally remind me of health implications, but I don't really care about those, I know about those. The only implications I care about are cigar today=no sex tonight.

Tell her that you're not going to stop and that though you appreciate her concern (if it's health orientated complaining) explain that you know full well the risks.

Now, if your smoking was done for the sake of escaping her and/or intimacy with her and increased a lot, then she may see it as you trying to distance yourself from her. In that case (that's not cool on your part, and I doubt this is why you did it consciously or sub-consciously), do what you've done, i.e. just decrease your intake.

But, if it's none of that and it's really just a health thing, tell her you love her and understand her concerns, but to pick her battles. Maybe you'll eat healthier if she cuts back on the complaining.

Good post Sean... you can tell which of the guys here are married:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BigMacFU

My wife doesn't like that I do it, but she knows I'm not going to stop. She'll occasionally remind me of health implications, but I don't really care about those, I know about those. The only implications I care about are cigar today=no sex tonight.

Tell her that you're not going to stop and that though you appreciate her concern (if it's health orientated complaining) explain that you know full well the risks.

Now, if your smoking was done for the sake of escaping her and/or intimacy with her and increased a lot, then she may see it as you trying to distance yourself from her. In that case (that's not cool on your part, and I doubt this is why you did it consciously or sub-consciously), do what you've done, i.e. just decrease your intake.

But, if it's none of that and it's really just a health thing, tell her you love her and understand her concerns, but to pick her battles. Maybe you'll eat healthier if she cuts back on the complaining.

---

And which ones are not (or soon not to be):

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chefchris

Just tell her that the only reason you smoke is because it's your escape from her complaining. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe if she stops ... you'll stop.



Maybe.

---

Best thing you could do is sit down with her and try and find out what is really bothering her. One cigar a week shouldn't be causing that much complaining. She might be pissed off about something else. One of the things that I have figured out is that the complaining about one thing usually has nothing to do with what is really bothering them. Find out what is is she really doesn't like about it.

One rule I live by:

HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE

PS.... I know I haven't posted in a while. Good to be back... Smoking a Punch Rare Corojo while catching up on the BBs

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BigMacFU

My wife doesn't like that I do it, but she knows I'm not going to stop. She'll occasionally remind me of health implications, but I don't really care about those, I know about those. The only implications I care about are cigar today=no sex tonight.

Tell her that you're not going to stop and that though you appreciate her concern (if it's health orientated complaining) explain that you know full well the risks.

Now, if your smoking was done for the sake of escaping her and/or intimacy with her and increased a lot, then she may see it as you trying to distance yourself from her. In that case (that's not cool on your part, and I doubt this is why you did it consciously or sub-consciously), do what you've done, i.e. just decrease your intake.

But, if it's none of that and it's really just a health thing, tell her you love her and understand her concerns, but to pick her battles. Maybe you'll eat healthier if she cuts back on the complaining.

---

Wow...just what I was thinking and was hesitant on typing it out!

Good Job BigMAcFU

Sucks to be some of you guys. Candy buys me cigars and humidors . She smokes a cigar with me on occasion

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bkcloud114

Good post Sean... you can tell which of the guys here are married:



And which ones are not (or soon not to be):



Best thing you could do is sit down with her and try and find out what is really bothering her. One cigar a week shouldn't be causing that much complaining. She might be pissed off about something else. One of the things that I have figured out is that the complaining about one thing usually has nothing to do with what is really bothering them. Find out what is is she really doesn't like about it.

One rule I live by:

HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE

PS.... I know I haven't posted in a while. Good to be back... Smoking a Punch Rare Corojo while catching up on the BBs

---

Who are you again? :smiley2: :smiley31:


As others have said sit down and have a long talk.


DG

Also if you smoked cigars before getting married, I would ask myself why is this coming up now. Why is it getting worse? What is the reason? If you did, maybe she thought going in she could change you, but now seeing that she cant, she is gripping more trying harder to get you to quite.

Now I dont know anything about your situation, just throwing this out there, so if its completely off, then disregard it.

But the best advice I can give, seeing as Im not married, is to communicate. Communication is the basis of all relationships. If there is no communication, it is not a healthy relationship.
Ask her why she is complaining more and why she dislikes it to begin with. Then tell her why you enjoy it so much. Everything begins from here.

Primarily, the smell is her complaint, and she doesn't find it attractive at all. I started with cigars while she was still smoking cigarrettes. I was a very light smoker and found cigs completely boring. I found the occasional cigar to be much more to my liking. She has since quit smoking, and tolerance has gone downhill since.

We are very busy and lacking intimacy lately, but that's more her fault than mine. She makes 90% of the social and activities schedule. She also wants intimacy to be under somewhat perfect conditions, and that just doesn't happen in real life with a preschooler. That's probably at the root of the problem I'm guessing. If that's where she wants a change, I'm certainly willing to accomodate, but she's going to have to make herself more available. I think knowing that causes her stress as well.

It's not like I use smoking to avoid her. I only smoke at times that don't interfere with any of our time together. For instance, I'll light up and have a beer while she's shopping and I'm staying home doing yard work after I'm done.

When she out shopping or out doing work on her free time for the house, you better be stepping it up not relaxing drinking beer and smoking cigars! I work 40 hours a week. Hubby's retired. On sat if I go grocery shopping and I come home to him watching the baseball game and he has not empty the garbage or cleaned the old food out of the frig. I am a bitch. "Dam on my free time which is not much I buying groceries and your sitting around having fun?" I could do a 40 min rant on what is wrong with the house and him if he seems like he's having fun and I am not. Most times he's like I did know you were shopping etc etc. I just do not want to feel like I have another 40 hour a week job at home. If I was you I take on some responsibilities out side the house doing errands or social things that need to be done and smoke while your out helping her. It may help to have smoking the cigar paired with helping out. :smiley20:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mizicke5273

But the best advice I can give, seeing as Im not married, is to communicate. Communication is the basis of all relationships. If there is no communication, it is not a healthy relationship.
Ask her why she is complaining more and why she dislikes it to begin with. Then tell her why you enjoy it so much. Everything begins from here.

---

Careful there, we don't know what we're talking about since we've never been in a committed relationship. :smiley24:

Having been married for going on 27 years, from your posts so far it seems to be more involved than just smoking an occasional cigar.
Women, not all but a large percentage of them, have a nasty habit of stewing on problems for a long time. They get pissy about all kinds of other trivial things while avoiding the one that really bothers them. You need to make sure that there's nothing else brewing under the surface.

Another thing, NEVER let the "intimacy" thing lapse. Even if it's usually her that causes the time conflicts, she'll blame you for the lack.

When our kids were young, my wife and I both had VERY busy schedules. I went to college full time and picked up any odd jobs I could in any free time, and my wife worked 2 full time jobs. It really played havoc on our marriage for a few years. Fortunately we were able to remain stubborn enough to work through all the crap.

Wow.

Having recently been married, I am frantically writing notes down as I read them. My wife and her father introduced me to cigars, so I am kind of not in this boat.

But I do agree that if this was something present before the marriage, than there is probably something she isn't talking about. Bring her some flowers, do some unexpected chores around the house to give her some free time, and sit her down and talk about it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chefchris

Careful there, we don't know what we're talking about since we've never been in a committed relationship. :smiley24:

---

True. But communication is still very important. Although I do agree it could also worsen things depending on how it goes.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mizicke5273

True. But communication is still very important. Although I do agree it could also worsen things depending on how it goes.

---

That's right. My first wife tried to communicate telepathically. She would just stare at me like I new WTF she was thinking. Strangely sometimes I did.

My second wife would communicate me into a semi-coma, where I thought I was listening but not really. You know what I mean?

Now I have a pretty good relationship, still a little one-sided, but when you take a big puff on a cigar it gives you a few seconds to collect your thoughts, puff out the smoke and then slowly answer like you really put some thought into it.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cinda

When she out shopping or out doing work on her free time for the house, you better be stepping it up not relaxing drinking beer and smoking cigars! I work 40 hours a week. Hubby's retired. On sat if I go grocery shopping and I come home to him watching the baseball game and he has not empty the garbage or cleaned the old food out of the frig. I am a bitch. "Dam on my free time which is not much I buying groceries and your sitting around having fun?" I could do a 40 min rant on what is wrong with the house and him if he seems like he's having fun and I am not. Most times he's like I did know you were shopping etc etc. I just do not want to feel like I have another 40 hour a week job at home. If I was you I take on some responsibilities out side the house doing errands or social things that need to be done and smoke while your out helping her. It may help to have smoking the cigar paired with helping out. :smiley20:

---

I understand your point, but you missed some of the details. We do most social things together. She would prefer not to be within 100 feet of me while smoking a cigar. Smoking in the house is a big no-no. Always has been for both of us. Both of us work full-time. My job is a bit more demanding, but her job pays more. She recently landed a VERY good job and I'm very proud of her.

Push mowing and trimming a 13000 foot property is not a good time by anyone's standards, and it needs it twice a week. The roses and weeping cherry tree need spraying twice a week. The bushes need trimming and beds need weeding once a week. The lawn and beds need edging and fertilizing once or twice a month (We just hired Trugreen to fertilize for us). All in all, it's about six hours of hard work a week just to maintain. When I'm done after about two hours of sweaty manual labor and she's still out shopping and/or visiting with mom, I will have cold drinks and smoke a cigar. I will not feel one bit bad about it either.

I help around the house as well. I do all the heavy lifting and ocaasional heavy jobs like carpet cleaning. I empty the dishwasher, take out trash, pick up the living room where the kid daily spreads toys around like confetti. I bathe him and get him ready for bed every night. I take him to swim classes half the time. We also have cleaning girls hired to do the heavy and detailed house work every two weeks. She takes care of more housework than me (laundry is a big one), but the summer yardwork more than balances things out IMO. I've more than once offerred to trade responsibilities if she felt things were unfair. She did the push mowing all of one time. It did wonders for her perspective. It doesn't take as long as laundry, but it's much much harder work.

I aint perfect, but I don't want you thinking I'm a lazy slob either.

Sounds like you have every right to put the foot down in a tactful sort of way. One or two a week smoked outside is in no way detrimental to your health. In fact, it's probably beneficial if you can do it without worrying about the wife nagging you every time you light up.

If it's the smell.. maybe change your shirt before you come in the house if possible, brush your teeth directly. Try to find a remote corner of the property where you can relax, and designate it as the smoking area. If she enters that area, it's at her own risk. Relationships are all about compromise, and it sounds like she needs to be reminded of that. Is there a chance she's resentful that you have a relaxing hobby and she does not?

My wife used to gripe about my cigar smoking before, mostly for health and financial reasons. It sounds like this is different from your wife, but here's a few things that have helped us (me).

The biggest has been her seeing my friends and family who smoke. We once went to a weekend family getaway and she saw my grandfather, and two uncles smoke several cigars a day. That made her put my couple times a week 'hobby' in perspective. It also helped for her to see how my friends enjoyed it when I'd pass out cigars and smoke with friends at a get together. She also appreciated the bonds it creates over the board here, how we trade, bomb, participate in contests, recommend cigars, etc.

She also didn't mind it as much after she smoked a cigar. She hated the cigar, but kind of understood while I like it and how it's relaxing. I talked about how cigars are made, the pride people take in making them, and all the different factors and complexity that go into a single cigar. Really how making a cigar is an artform, and when you smoke a great cigar you are enjoying someone else's pride and work. This may be harder for you to do, since it sounds like your wife is already pretty opposed to the smell of cigars. I went with the asking a bunch of times and telling her once she did it I wouldn't bother her again.

Good luck.

Marriage is the great compromise! My wife does not love the smell either .......but its our business. Good Luck.

Eh, you know I'm not really looking for easy answers here so much as comparing situations and listening to advice/criticism. Every couple starts off with two spheres of personal traits. That includes hobbies, interests, priorities, goals, etc. The spheres overlap to some degree and change over time, but there's always going to be some stuff in one persons sphere completely outside the others. That's where respect, acceptance, tolerance, and compromise come in. For some it's easy, for others, it's an ongoing battle. For an unlucky few, they can be deal-breakers.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kenyth

I understand your point, but you missed some of the details. We do most social things together. She would prefer not to be within 100 feet of me while smoking a cigar. Smoking in the house is a big no-no. Always has been for both of us. Both of us work full-time. My job is a bit more demanding, but her job pays more. She recently landed a VERY good job and I'm very proud of her.

Push mowing and trimming a 13000 foot property is not a good time by anyone's standards, and it needs it twice a week. The roses and weeping cherry tree need spraying twice a week. The bushes need trimming and beds need weeding once a week. The lawn and beds need edging and fertilizing once or twice a month (We just hired Trugreen to fertilize for us). All in all, it's about six hours of hard work a week just to maintain. When I'm done after about two hours of sweaty manual labor and she's still out shopping and/or visiting with mom, I will have cold drinks and smoke a cigar. I will not feel one bit bad about it either.

I help around the house as well. I do all the heavy lifting and occasional heavy jobs like carpet cleaning. I empty the dishwasher, take out trash, pick up the living room where the kid daily spreads toys around like confetti. I bathe him and get him ready for bed every night. I take him to swim classes half the time. We also have cleaning girls hired to do the heavy and detailed house work every two weeks. She takes care of more housework than me (laundry is a big one), but the summer yard work more than balances things out IMO. I've more than once offered to trade responsibilities if she felt things were unfair. She did the push mowing all of one time. It did wonders for her perspective. It doesn't take as long as laundry, but it's much much harder work.

I ain't perfect, but I don't want you thinking I'm a lazy slob either.

---

Twice a week? Your out of your mind. Does she feel the yard is as important as your do? Anyhow sounds like you do your share I mean the yard is a full time second job. I give you credit after 27 years I still can't get him to be up his dirty underwear where ever he decides to leave them and he's home all day at this time in his life! :smiley35::smiley35::smiley35:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cinda

Twice a week? Your out of your mind. Does she feel the yard is as important as your do? Anyhow sounds like you do your share I mean the yard is a full time second job. I give you credit after 27 years I still can't get him to be up his dirty underwear where ever he decides to leave them and he's home all day at this time in his life! :smiley35::smiley35::smiley35:

---

If I waited a full week in summer I'd probably never get the mower through it unless I bagged the grass, and that would be a LOT of bags. It's well watered, well fertilized, dark green, full sun, and grows extremely fast. Yes, now that she's used to a nice lawn, she want's it to look as good as the neighbors. A riding mower would help a lot. We're working on it.

My wife and I have been together for 17 years. I used to smoke ciggarettes, 2 packs a day, which my wife really disliked......but she accepted that because she loved me. Did she nag me about it? Hell yes!! Did it cause me to quit......nope, and it really didn't cause any "huge" fights or nights on the couch. When I dropped the cigs and picked up the cigars......she was a-o.k. with that. I smoke only outside now, but I smoke one whenever I want to.

Much as you do Ken, I am responsible for all the outside maintenance, and my wife does the inside. Now, that being said, we also help each other with these tasks.........she cooks, I do the dishes........if I'm raking up leaves and she's not doing anything, she'll help me bag 'em up, etc..etc. Does she care if I'm smokin' a yard gar while I'm raking leaves? Not at all. Does she care if I take a break during my duties and smoke a cigar and have a beer? Nope. She knows it will get done, just maybe not on HER time-table.

Does she get pissed when I blast the shit out of the AMEX on cigar purchases? Hell yes she does......and she is within her rights to do so IF I have overstepped my agreed upon bounds. As others have said, compromise and respect are what it is all about. If those basic principles are followed, the normal changes that happen within every person and every relationship over time can be dealt with.......without it, the walls can become too high to scale. Open lines of open, honest, unrestrained communication will either promote the compromise and respect thing.............or not.

My wife does not gripe about my smoking unless I smoke way too much. I cut back on my smoking to about two-three a week last year due to her concerns.

You have to weigh out your options if things get really serious. I'd not lose my wife over cigars.

No advice here other than maybe it really is just what she says it is. I used to bitch at my wife all the time about smoking cigarettes. She hid it from me until she moved in with me - I never knew she smoked... maybe I was naieve? The bitching was mostly because she inconvenienced me to smoke (either I had to wait for her so we could do something or she sucked down a smoke just before getting into my car - bringing the smell with her), but there was no alterior motive - I wasn't bitching about smoking because of being pissed off about something else.

My wife & I have been married for 8 years (actually, it'll be 8 years on the 25th) & we have never spent so much time just hanging/talking as we have since I started smoking cigars. She'll ask me every night, "You having a cigar tonight?" That's my cue to grab one & head to the front patio. It's nice to just hang out & talk instead of sitting in seperate corners of the living room - usually with the tv on, but both of us on our laptops working or surfing.

Now she's the one bitching about the smell - she (mostly) only smokes in the evenings at home with me & she hates the smell of cigars.