A discussion on perceptions
Hello all,
I'd like to try again if that's ok. I was encouraged by several pm's I received from some members asking me to do so, and also by several posts that have been made during the past few days.
I'd like to start another thread, if possible, to talk about the perceptions that I got as a new member. I am acutely aware that some members don't put much credence in what a new guy has to say, but I am encouraged by the appearance of others that do seem interested. So I ask that you bear with me while I review what I think I have seen on this board.
As someone new to cigar smoking and someone searching for a good community to join, I was immediately impressed by the wit and humor of many members on this board. I was laughing out loud as you all put Habano-Boy through the wringer. The thing I liked about it was that you skillfully got the message across while you were all having fun. In doing so you drew this guy out, determined his intentions and eventually encouraged him to go away. Compare that to what I saw next.
A few days after I joined the forums, PG posted what I considered at the time to be an offer to the group to sell some cigars... not unusual for someone to do on a message board, or so I thought at the time. I was learning the rules and later on I could see how I might have made the same mistake. I was surprised at the barbed response that went back to PG immediately.
Here's a guy who made his first post to a board and committed a breach of protocol by posting something in the wrong forum as well as not introducing himself properly. I didn't know his background or anything about him, and I assumed that neither did anyone else. In fact, as a new guy, I didn't even know he did something wrong. He made a post to a board, came back a while later and found that he had been told to go "hump a mule," and a member has asked for his immediate ban. At this point he had a choice. Go away or post a reply. (Fight or Flight.) Perhaps he could have been a bit more humble, but, in my opinion, his reply wasn't all that surprising. He shot back a fairly harmless defensive barb at the poster compared to what he had received, apologized to the board if he did something wrong and reiterated his position. Not terribly surprising given the quick attack from one of the members (who, by the way, at that time was representing every member of the forum, whether he realized it or not.) There was one more post by him, quite civilized, replying to another member, then another scathing post accusing him of not having the sense to not take a dump in somebody's living room. By then, of course, the tone was set and people started taking sides. Yes he did go too far too quickly, but, in my opinion, he eventually did get the message and offered an apology which some thought was sincere while others did not. I think by then battle lines had been drawn and it was way past the point of salvaging anything.
As a newbie, I didn't realize that my opinion at the time was not considered credible by some. As one who was welcomed warmly to the board, I assumed I could voice an opinion. I was new to cigars, but not new to human interaction. I tried to post in a manner that would be nonconfrontational, but after a while it appeared that my opinions were being minimized by some not because they didn't make sense, but simply because I had recently found this URL. I was a "newbie." After a while I was told this in no uncertain terms by an established member. At that point I decided to opt out of discussions, since apparantly I didn't have a big enough number of posts next to my name, and I let the board know I wouldn't be posting anymore. Yes, I left in a huff, but I had just told that I didn't know what I was talking about. I could have handled it better, and I apologize for not doing so. The only excuse I can offer is that after seeing what had been considered acceptable behavior by several established members I just fell into the tone of things, and herein lies an example of the kind of things that set the culture of this board. So let me offer an initial dissection of the situation, then perhaps we can get some constructive discussion going that will help this board improve and attract new members.
------
First, let me say right here and now that this is strictly my opinion of what happened and, yes, I know the unofficial definition of "opinion." My opinion is in no way presented to minimize the opinion of anyone else.
From the discussions generated by PG's appearance, it seems to me that there are at least 3 separate issues that are being muddled into one.
The treatment and validity of new members.
The issue of "shooting first and asking questions later."
Derogatory language and attitudes.
All 3 of these issues can contribute to new members either going away whether they are "asked to" or not, or just deciding never to introduce themselves in the first place. I think some members are concerned with the consequences of this while others think it's a non-issue. Let's talk about them and see where it goes. If possible, I'd like to try to keep the discussion on point rather than what has gone on in the past. If anyone else sees other talking points, please list them for discussion.
Mark
P.S. One of the reasons I decided to post again was because of a pm I got from illilli. I had pm'd him about a message he posted and after a courteous reply, he pointed out that if I wanted to be part of a discussion I needed to do it via the discussion board, not via pm's. He was/is absolutely correct. Thanks illilli for pointing that out to me.
