Humor Contest

Just came into possession of a load of bundle cigars from a well-meaning friend who has quit smoking. They are $1 gars, about 30 or 40 of them-Famous names like Romanov, Vienda Hacienda, Lunas, Tierra del Sol. I won’t smoke em and hate to just mulch them with my mower. Might upset the earthworms in Wifey’s garden.


CONTEST: Contribute a humorous post-a joke, a riddle, a funny picture, anything. Post often, post repeatedly.

Time: Contest ends Sunday 9:00 Pacific time as noted on the post.

Winner: I decide. It’s will be a totally arbitrary decision based upon the humor and effort of the winners posts.

This is all in fun, you provide the humor, I provide the gars and ship them.

OK, LAUGH YOU BASTARDS, LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH HHh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

















BTW, I don't want the Cigars...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice:
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and
peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.
:smiley36:

World's Thinnest Books

~~@~~

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by

Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by

Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS

by

Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE

by

John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS

by

Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by

Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by

Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS

by

Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by

Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
B y Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by

Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

by

the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by

O. J. Simpson

Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One

Thinnest Book

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by

Bill Clinton
with introduction

by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy. 11, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker
ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window,
and as she lowers it, he says,"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA,
and I'm driving the fucking Salt Truck.

The Ant and the Grasshopper Story (happens all the time in Canada)

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

continue on!


THE CANADIAN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

(So far, so good, eh?)

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper,with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.


The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

THE END

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Sympatico help desk,and part time with " Canada Customs and Revenue "

http://www.jrcigars.com/graphics/jrc...ng/cartoon.jpg

Pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

The bartender asks "Hey, what's with the wheel?"

The pirate responds "Arr, it be drivin me nuts."

****

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'd like a beer and...................................Some pretzels."

Bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

****

Guy breaks into a bar and stars ransaking the cash register when he hears a voice behind him say "God is watching". Looking around he doesn't see anyone so he keeps emptying the cash register, when he hears again "God is watching". Looking right behind him he sees a cage with a parrot.

He asks the parrot "What's your name?"

The parrot responds "John the Babtist".

The theif says "Who the hell names a parrot 'John the Babtist'"

Parrot says "The same guy who named the Rotwhiler 'God'".

****

Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender "Give me a beer!"

Bartender says "Sorry, we don't server bears here"

So the bear turns around, spots the tallest fattest women he ever saw sitting at the bar and ate her. Then he turned to the bartender and said "Now, give me a damn beer!"

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve people on drugs here."

The bear says "What?! I'm not on drugs"

Bartender says "Yes you are, that was a big bar bitch you ate".

****

Two ropes walk into a bar and say "Wed both like a beer"

Bartender says "Hey! Get out of here. We don't server ropes!"

So the ropes leave, and then one gets an idea. He musses up his hair and ties himself around the other one. They go into the bar again and say "We'd both like a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! Didn't I tell you we don't serve ropes?"

The ropes say "Nope, we're afraid not".

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?

The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

****

Did you know OJ Simpsons was American Indian?

His was a member of the Stabahoe tribe.

****

An old couple went in to the doctors office. The doctor came in and said to the man, "Ok, I need to perform some tests. I'll need a stool, urine, and semen sample."

The old man being hard of hearing leans foward and says "Eh??"

So the doctor repeats himself.

The old man again says "Eh??"

So the old mans wife says "Give the doctor your god damn underwear!"

****

A man walks into a doctors office and after some tests are run looks at the doctors face and says "Ok, give me the bad news last".

The doctor says "You have AIDS."

The paitient says "Oh my god! What could be worse than that?"

The doctor says "And you have alzheimers"

The patient says "Thats terrible...but atleast I don't have AIDS."

A man had just broken out of Huntsville State Prison after serving 10 years for a series of rapes. He managed to pick up a shotgun and an old work van. He tried keeping a low profile, and hid in the van parked outside of an apartment building. As the night went on, he saw more and more young women passing by, each one looking better and better. Then, the hottest, bustiest, curviest woman you would ever see walked by and his old instincts took the better of him. He jumped out of the back of the van and threw her inside. He told her, "As long as you do everything I say, I'll let you live. First take off your shirt." She did, without too much of a fuss. "Allright, now take off your bra." She began to argue and he loaded a round in the chamber. Quickly she changed her mind and unleashed the nicest, perkiest breasts in the world. Getting more and more worked up the man told her, "Take off your skirt and panties now!" She cried and began pleading for him to not do this, and she just wanted to go home. He pointed the shotgun at her head, then she complied. When he looked down, it was the most disgusting sight. She had an infestation of maggots, crabs, some scabs and a strange yellow slime that was dripping freely. The man, very disturbed at the sight, began vomiting profusely and violently when he dropped the gun. The woman, quick to react, snatched it quickly and pointed it at the man's head. Calmly, she looked him in the eye and said, "Eat me."

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Over near England is a little island near the Isle of Man, and a very perculiar thing about this island is that they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep horses, so everyone has a donkey or what is more commonly known as an ass.

Now everyone, as I have said, has an ass. Some people have ordinary asses, asses that you wouldn't look at twice, while other people have extraordinary asses, Take the mayor, for example. Now he has an ass that no one would look at twice, but the mayor's wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses they have ever seen, and men often stop her as she goes through the marketplace to pat her ass.

On Sunday, everyone rides to church on their asses. Of course, sometimes the boys ride the girl's asses, and sometimes the girls ride the boy's asses. On this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the services and he figured he'd better have his ass handy, so he tied it just outside of the window. During the services a fire broke out and, of course, everyone ran to save their ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a hole there and he fell into the hole instead, which only goes to prove that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Great work guys,

Contest ends in a few hours, and there is no stand out winner yet. There are some Perdomo's and Astral's in the stash also.

.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

A woman walks into a pet store and says to the owner "Hi, I'd like to buy a parrot".

The owner says "Well, all I got is this one parrot left, but he has a very foul mouth."

Perfectly timed the parrot responds with "Damn right mother fucker".

The old woman doesn't even bat an eye and says "I'll straighten the bird out. I'll take him"

So she goes home and sets the bird cage up and says to the bird "Now, I don't want to hear another bad word out of your mouth.

The bird, being particularly surley, says "Fuck you, bitch".

The woman takes the bird and puts it in the fridge for 10 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Now, the next time you swear I'll put you in for 20 minutes".

The parrot says "Go to hell an die, you old cock sucking whore".

So the old lady puts the bird in the fridge for 20 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Next time it's into the freezer with you."

The bird says "FUCK YOU!!"

So into the freezer the bird goes. Now the parrot is feeling cold and board and looks around and sees a frozen dinner chicken sitting next to it and says "Jesus H Christ!! What did you say to her?!"

****

Man walks into a bar (as men are wont to do) and goes to the bar and asks for a beer. He looks up and sees the most beautiful nativity scene he has seen in his life.

So he calls over the bartender and says "You know, that's a beautiful nativity scene, but there's one problem...why are the three wise men wearing firemens hats?"

The bartender says in an extreme southern drawl "Well, you all know that the three wise men came from a fire".

A woman is cooking muffins, and she puts the muffins in the oven.

While in the oven one muffin looks at the other and says "Boy, sure is hot in here."

The other muffin does a double take and says "Holy crap!! A talking muffin!"

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? " she asked.

"They're mating" her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked

"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered

"So, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked

"No, " her Father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped it flat, 'Well, it might be OK in Ontario and British Columbia, but we're not having any of that shit in Newfoundland!"

Remember, you can marry a fag in Canada, but don't you dare get caught smoking one!

A girl and her mother are in a doctors office and the girl goes up to her mother and says "Mommy mommy!! I need to take a piss!!!"

The mom is appaled and says "Please don't say words like that. Say something else. Say you need to whisper."

So the girl says "Mommy, I need to whisper". So she uses the bathroom and they go home.

The girl late at night wakes up and need to use the bathroom so she goes and wakes up her dad and says "Daddy, I need to whisper."

So her dad says "Ok honey, whisper in daddys ear."

Three guys on a hunting trip were sitting around a campfire talking about the worst pain they had ever experienced.

The first guy says "Well, when I was in 'Nam we drove over a land mine. Damn shrapnel blew right through the bottom of the jeep. I still got this here limp."

The second guy says "Well, I was workin' on the pick-up over there and I got these here two fingers stuck between the fan belt and the pully. Ripped 'em clean off."

The third guy just reflected a bit. After a while he said, "Well, the last huntin' trip I was on I was walkin' through the woods over there and had to take a shit real bad. So I found me a big ol' log and sat down on it." He paused a bit, then continued. "Turns out somebody but a big ol' bear trap right next to the log, and when I sat down my balls hung down and sprung the trap." The other guys just sat there looking at him in amazement as he sat quietly next to the campfire. Finally one of the guys said, "Man. that sounds horrible. I'm gettin' sick just thinkin' 'bout it." The fella replied, "Well it sure was painful all right, but I'll tell you what... when I hit the end of that chain..."

A blonde walked into the emergency room with a gunshot wound in the palm of her hand. As the young doctor was treating her, he asked her what happened.

"Oh" she said, "I just got so tired of people thinking I'm stupid just because I'm a blonde, I decided to end it all."

The doctor said, "So, let me get this straight. You shot yourself in the hand trying to kill yourself?" The blonde replied "Yes."

The doctor paused a bit, then said, "M'am, You do know that you can't kill yourself by shooting yourself in the palm of your hand, don't you?"

"Of course, silly!" she replied. "I took the gun and put the barrel into my left ear." She took her left hand and stuck her index finger in her left ear as she mimmicked pitting a gun to her head. "Then at the last minute" she said as he covered her right ear with the palm of her right hand, "I thought... This is gonna be loud."

Old woman calls a doctor and asks "Where is a womans heart?"

The doctor responds "About 1 inch below her left breast".

A day later the doctor sees the same old woman being rushed into the emergency room with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The doctor asks "What happened?!"

The old woman says "You said my heart was below my left breast!"

****

How can you tell if your computer has been used by a blond?

There's white out on the screen.

****

What's white and sits on the lawn?

Pattie O' Furniture

****

How do you know if a blond has been playing video games?

The joystick is wet.

****

How do you make a blonds eyes twinkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

****

Why wont sharks eat lawyers?

Proffessional courtesy.

****

Why wont sharks eat clowns?

They taste funny.

****

What do you have when you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

****

A doctor is contacted by a lawyer who asks him "Were you medically certain the deceased was really dead?"

The doctor says "Yes."

The lawyer asks "Did you take his pulse?"

The doctor responds "No. I did not."

The lawyer asks "Did you check for breathing?"

The doctor says "No, I did not."

The lawyer finally says "Then how, sir, do you know the deceased is really dead?!"

The doctor responds "Well, I have the mans brain in a jar on my desk. But for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

****

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck.

****

What do you call 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

****

A man is driving down the road, and as he is driving he sees a lawyer. IN keeping with tradition when he passes the lawyer he runs him down and kills him.

Further along the man sees a hitch hiker and notices that he is a priest. He figures a priest is OK so he gives him a ride.

A little more down the road he sees another lawyer walking and on reflex starts driving towards him. At the last minute he remembers that he has a priest in the car and swerves away.

He looks over to the priest and says "Oh no. I'm so sorry, I almost hit that lawyer!!"

The priest looks calmly at him and responds "Don't worry. I got him with the door."

****

Why are there so many lawyers in the US?

Because St. Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland.

****

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

Two buddies were sitting in a local tavern having a beer. One of the fellows noticed that his friend was in a really quiet mood.

"Have a tough day? he asked. His friend replied "Yeah, I went skydiving today."

The first fellow said, Really? I tried skydiving once and it wasn't bad at all. In fact, I had a great time. What happened?"

"Well..." his buddy said... "I got to the airfield and was pretty excited. I didn't know if I could go through with it, but the instructor said not to worry, He'd had that problem with first timers before and knew just how to handle it. So I strapped on the 'chute and off we went. I was the last one to jump, and when I got to that door, I froze. I told the instructor that I just couldn't do it. He told me not to worry, and he called Bubba out of the cockpit. He told me that if I didn't jump, Bubba was gonna fuck me up the ass!"

"Holy shit!" said his friend, "Did you jump?

"Well..." he said, "a little at first..."

A blonde gets on an airplane going to Chicago and sits down in the first class cabin. Soon after a man comes up and says, "I'm sorry m'am, you're sitting in my seat." The woman looks at him and says

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

The man didn't know what to do, so he called the flight attendant over. The fligh attendant told the woman that she had to take her seat in coach. The blonde said,

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

Not knowing what to do, the flight attendant called the captain over who, after hearing the story, again told the woman that she'd have to sit in her assigned seat in coach. The woman looked up at the captain and said

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

The captain leaned over and whispered something in the womans ear. Immediately she jumped up and took her seat in coach.

The puzzled but relieved flight attendant lookae at the captain and asked "What did you say to her?"
The captain replied. "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

OK times up-great job guys!

Let me tally the results and see if I can pick a clear winner.

Ok the results are in:

THE WINNERS:
....................................Posts.......Jo kes........Cigars Won
1) MCsommerreid..............5...........27.......... .......25
2) Shelby07......................6............6...... ............20
3) Nefie............................4............4... ...............15
4) toasty..........................3.............3... ...............10

Honorable mention goes to to indy, slcraiders, and Toasty, and Brian for participating.

Lopaka wins a consolation prize of a single Cohiba Yellow Band (yes the bundle variety) for not understanding the contest.

Send me your snailers PM to receive your winnings.

El PM sent.

PM sent.

Thanks again DR.

OK got everybody's addy. Will package things up tonight after work and send em out tomorrow.

OK Gars out:
MCsommerreid 70060100000656503070
Toasty 70060100000656503087
Shelby07 70060100000656503063
Newfie Newfie, you are a Canuck. Canadians are not recognized by the US Postal Service as deserving of delivery confirmation numbers. In fact, your cigars will probably end up in the clutches of some vigilant cigar smoking Mountie, whose sole purpose in life is to prevent the onslaught of cigars being sent from the US to Canada via airmail.


Enjoy boys :smiley1:

DR - Received today in great condition, Thanks!

Package arrived nicely. Thanks!

Package arrived today in great shape DR.

Thank you very much!!!!:smiley20:

I was finally able to get the Post Office to redeliver and I got it today. Great mix!!! Thanks so much