Chili cookoff results

[kidcrash]

Recently, a visiting Minnesotan was honored as he was selected to be a fill in judge at a Texas chili cook-off. (The original person called in sick at the last moment). This Minnesotan happened to be near at the judge's table next to the Lone Star Beer Truck drinking beer, when he was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy. They told him he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Minnesotan) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #
2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[DeeDubya]

Funny post, but in reality there is some truth to this. It seems that the tolerance and taste people acquire for certain peppers will vary with the region. Of course here in Texas Jalepeno's and Chile's rule, both of which are fairly low on the "Scoville" scale. Maybe someone got some Habanero's mixed up with the Ancho's.

[mrtr33]

Funny post, but in reality there is some truth to this. It seems that the tolerance and taste people acquire for certain peppers will vary with the region.

I think you're right. I grew up in Louisiana, and have no trouble with cayenne peppers, but I can't even eat a jalapeno pepper without crying. The first habanero pepper I had my eyes started watering, my diaphragm went nuts, and I started hiccuping uncontrollably. It wasn't until someone gave me a glass of milk that I started to calm down.

I can't seem to put enough "Louisiana Hot Sauce" or Tony Cachere's on my gumbo, jambalaya, or etouffee.

Just a side note, while they are not peppers, I also can't get enough of the hot mustard you get at asian restaurants, german hot mustard, or pure horseradish (not the creamed kind). I simply cannot put enough on my food when I'm in the mood.

[DeeDubya]

I think you're right. I grew up in Louisiana, and have no trouble with cayenne peppers, but I can't even eat a jalapeno pepper without crying. The first habanero pepper I had my eyes started watering, my diaphragm went nuts, and I started hiccuping uncontrollably. It wasn't until someone gave me a glass of milk that I started to calm down.

I can't seem to put enough "Louisiana Hot Sauce" or Tony Cachere's on my gumbo, jambalaya, or etouffee.

Just a side note, while they are not peppers, I also can't get enough of the hot mustard you get at asian restaurants, german hot mustard, or pure horseradish (not the creamed kind). I simply cannot put enough on my food when I'm in the mood.

Oh, I love Cajun food completely, and cayenne doesn't bother me much, but horseradish hits me in the sinuses and is hotter for me than many peppers.

[bigwhiteash]

I can eat Jalapenos like they're candy, but Habaneros tear me a new one.


Horseradish, and especially WASABI, are my favorite condiments!

Now I'm hungry for some Sushi :)

[kidcrash]

Me and my wife can handle ALOT of heat from various Peppers.

There was 2 times i regreted eating something hot in my life,The first was in a little town
in Northern Minnesota.

We went into a local Tavern to have a beer,We grab a seat at the bar and after getting our beers the bartender asks me if i like Horseradish?Well i happen to LOVE it so he says his mom makes some and he wants me to try it.Well being the citidiot that i am i said sure.

He comes over with a baby food jar of it and gives me a little tiny bit of it about the size of a match head.I put it im my mouth tasted it took a breath and could not inhale.Not only did it take my breath away for what seemed like an eternity it burned all the way down and sat in my gut and burned for for awhile.

Of course the locals are laughing their asses off.


The second time i got even.Our friend next store has alot of biker friends and i was over at her place have a few beers BSing with them and we got on the subject of Peppers.

He claimed he could eat ANY pepper and none were to hot.Well that was a mistake on his part as i just happened to have some Habaneros at home that were pickled and these
were the hottest peppers me and the misses have ever eaten.

So i go get the peppers and offer one to him and pops one in his mouth and starts chewing looking at me like its no big deal(only for a few seconds)Then he gets this puzzled look on his face and starts to sweat and tears are running down his face.

I am now laughing my ASS off and he is pissed and accuses me of putting something in the jar to make them that hot.At that point i figured i better eat one myself before things get ugly.I ate one and was banging my head on the floor it was so hot.

Funny shit and great memories.