We did it!

[8-5-8]

Ok guys... I try not to come here and blab on about my personal life but I have accomplished a great feat today. First a little backstory...

I met my wife when I was 8 years old. She was 6. We didn't see each other for many years but when I was 16 and she was 14 we were reaquainted at a friends end-of-the-school-year party. We dated on and off for awhile and then about 3.5 years ago we moved in together. We were married 9/27/2003 (my parents' anniversary as well) and at the time I thought we had a perfect life. Fast-foward to about a year ago, and I had fallen into a funk, easy to do while I'm waiting for my wife to finish school. And somewhere along the line, she began to feel unhappy, but for no solid reason. I wasn't aware of her discontent until about 4 weeks ago. And the last 4 weeks of my life have been absolute hell. I strive to please my wife. Everything I do is for her happiness. I do my best not to make her feel bad and I love taking care of her. I'm the marrying type. I always wanted a family as opposed to being a fireman or policeman or astronaut... when people asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up I always told them "Have a family of my own". What I did for a living was always second to why I did it. And not being able to please the one person that means the most to me kills me inside. So for a month now we have been tetering on the edge of insanity (and divorce). We spent Monday night apart, mainly becuase any discussion about us ends with me begging and pleading and her not being able to stand being in the same room with me when I get desparate. She came home last night and we talked for a long while, and today while I was home for lunch we talked some more. It seems that after watching her mother go through 2 nasty divorces and me watching my parents have the perfect marrainge, that we have 2 very different opinions on marraige. So we have decided to get a divorce. We will still live together and love together, but we will no longer be husband and wife. And if I have to sacrifice our marraige to save our relationship, then that's what I will do.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I had to tell someone. And I feel better and am happier than I have been in a month, and it's all because my partner is happier than she's been in a year. It hurts to say we are getting divorced, but I feels so good to know we will still be together.

[SFG75]

Glad that you were able to reconcile the issue. A lot of couples struggle immensely and two different personalities harmonizing together leads to some interesting fights from time to time. Again, congratulations on finding a good solution.

[CoventryCat86]

Glad that you were able to reconcile the issue. A lot of couples struggle immensely and two different personalities harmonizing together leads to some interesting fights from time to time. Again, congratulations on finding a good solution.

Oh please will someone MAKE HIM STOP.

This is getting ridiculous....

[superman78]

your supposed to care about their feelings,thats where ive been going wrong,congrats better man than i

[CoventryCat86]

your supposed to care about their feelings,thats where ive been going wrong,congrats better man than i

you're

Sorry 8-5-8, you're not going to want to hear what I have to tell you so I'll just keep my comment to myself. Just don't make a fool out of yourself no matter how you play this......

[labmonkey]

congrats 8-5-8....it's a weird world dude...when you have to get a divorce to save your relationship. I am not knocking it at all...hats off to you guys for hanging in there and doing whatever you need to do to make it work. Good luck to you.

[8-5-8]

thanks guys...

I know there are many opinions on the subject, so feel free to state them. I will harbor no bad feelings nor will it change my opinion of you. I just felt a feeling of overwhelming joy today, and had to share it.

And it is kinda screwy when you have to get divorced to stay together, but after she had time to think about what was bothering her, it seemed that it wasn't living with me or being with me, it was simply being married. So while she will no longer be my wife, she will be my life partner.

Strange world we live in...

[ggiese]

8-5-8

EVERYONE's relationship with another human being is a struggle - especially when it comes to marriage. The mere fact that another person is in your personal space is cause for conflict. It is in our very being - the thinking, feeling creatures we are. But, we adapt to that invasion and somehow make it work.

I have been married now for 22 years (been with the same woman for 27 years) and I got to tell you - there isn't a day that goes by that I don't appreciate her being around, and at the same time wonder if I should stay married to her. And I believe she does too. She and I believe we are two different people who happen to be walking down this path together. The reality is that each day we both want to take a seperate branches off of this path, yet we still end up at some point walking down that same path day after day.

I believe it is when you get to a junction in that path that you have to make some decisions - WE (both of us) can walk to the left or to the right. But it has to be a joint decision to stay on the same path. Don't get me wrong, there are times during your relationship where you are on different paths. That's inevitable. But, if we each choose to walk down a separate paths, we tend to lose touch with one another. As those separate choices continue on, there comes a time where we can't be on the same path again.

My first marriage ended in a divorce after only about 2 years. We could just not get along, even though we had committed ourselves to a lifetime together. I believe we married for all the wrong reasons and it was just destined for us to be on different paths. But my second marriage has been quite different.

If I were to go back and analyze both relationships to see where I succeeded and where I failed, I can't for the life of me tell you what I didn't see in my first relationship that I saw in the second one - and vice versa. It really is a blind faith kind of thing.

Certainly, there were things about her that attracted you. And things about you that attracted her. So much so that you two decided you needed to be together "forever" (because that's what marriage is). So what is it about the current situation that is so different from the time that the two of you decided to make the committment to stay together? I dunno - maybe it's the kids, maybe it's the career, maybe you're trying too hard, maybe she's not trying hard enough, maybe it's stress, maybe it's money, maybe it's psychological... Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things... In other words, it's as complicated as it was when you first met...

But now - you and the wife are at that split in the road... Where are you going to go? And - more importantly - will you make the right decision.... Only time will tell. To be honest - the advice we give you here is really meaningless. The only thing we as a community can do for you is to listen and encourage. The rest is up to you two...

Good luck!

[SFG75]

thanks guys...

I know there are many opinions on the subject, so feel free to state them. I will harbor no bad feelings nor will it change my opinion of you. I just felt a feeling of overwhelming joy today, and had to share it.

And it is kinda screwy when you have to get divorced to stay together, but after she had time to think about what was bothering her, it seemed that it wasn't living with me or being with me, it was simply being married. So while she will no longer be my wife, she will be my life partner.

Strange world we live in...

The only thing that matters is what makes you guys the happiest. Smoke a good one in celebration brother. I'll be sure to whip out a Fuente natural for ya tonight.

[8-5-8]

The only thing that matters is what makes you guys the happiest. Smoke a good one in celebration brother. I'll be sure to whip out a Fuente natural for ya tonight.

I'm gonna cut the cap on an Opus X in about 20 minutes...

[CoventryCat86]

The only thing that matters is what makes you guys the happiest. Smoke a good one in celebration brother. I'll be sure to whip out a doggie rocket for ya tonight.

Scotty, once again you make me want to

I don't see the cause for celebration, I see a whole lot more hurt in this guy's near future. She talked him into a divorce because she wants OUT. He may seem happy this afternoon but that'll last for what, maybe a couple of days? She wants OUT, period and that is sad for the both of them, I hate "quitters" like 8-5-8's wife is . A divorce is not a way to "save" a "relationship." It's going to be painful and it will take you about a year (on average) to get over it. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll beg for you to "take her back" but the chances of that are highly unlikely.

[ggiese]

Scotty, once again you make me want to

I don't see the cause for celebration, I see a whole lot more hurt in this guy's near future. She talked him into a divorce because she wants OUT. He may seem happy this afternoon but that'll last for what, maybe a couple of days? She wants OUT, period and that is sad for the both of them, I hate "quitters" like 8-5-8's wife is . A divorce is not a way to "save" a "relationship." It's going to be painful and it will take you about a year (on average) to get over it. Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll beg for you to "take her back" but the chances of that are highly unlikely.

Funny - but I originally started my post with "It seems really odd to me that you're wife would want a divorce in order to save your relationship..." I don't understand it - I hope it does save your relationship - I just don't see how it will...

I gotta say - anyone who is encouraging 8-5-8 to smoke a cigar to celebrate has missed the pain that is clearly in his post. Enjoy the day, bro - I'm glad it's going your way right now - I'm glad you're happy - but the toughest part of this will be tomorrow - and the day after - and the day after....

If you're going to smoke a cigar - find the biggest damn cigar you can get your hands on - pour yourself a nice HUGE glass of Iced Tea - go out in the back yard and enjoy that smoke while you reduce the stress of what's going on right now. And I hope you find some peace during that time - you deserve it, bro...

[Drake]

i agree with CCat. i'm kind of going through the same thing. my girlfriend of 3 years that i live with has recently become very board of our life. i work about 10 hours a day + my lunch hour. i'm gone from 7-730 every weekday. she's a 19 y/o college student who's just starting to party a lot. and i did all my partying at a young age. i don't like to go out til 230 and get plastered every night any more, but she's just starting to. she won't admit that she's unhappy with me cuz she's so codependant. but she's never happy when she's around me. and she hardly is ever home when i'm there. i don't think its going to last much longer. i think we're both just trying to postpone the inevitable. sorry to hear about your situation. glad you're happy now. but i wouldn't expect the best. you can hope for it. but be very aware of the possibility of the worst

[kevin7]

I hope it works out for you bro,remember "make up" pussy is so sweet

[cigar no baka]

Best if luck to you in your endeavor. Marriage is a constantly evolving relationship that requires constant care and attention, but even with that it can blow up in your face.

I know that with my wife, we've gone through hellish times and wonderful times and everything inbetween. But all in all, she is my partner, and we've learned we can live with each others bullshit without throttling one another in our sleep, so its a good marriage. And we do enjoy each others company most of the time. But vacations can be trying - a little absence is a good thing!

[Lazy1]

8-5-8,
Although I do not understand what's going on, I can't help but feel bad about another BOTL's Divorce. I can understand that you are happy today, but I think you guys need to dig deeper before you take this step. The easiest answer is not always the right one. Don't listen to me though only a coward gives advice. I hope this all works out for you and your wife.

[grand cru no 2]

I usually try to stay away from giving "relationship advice" but I felt the need to weigh in here. Seems we are around the same age or so and you are in a similar situation as I was a couple years ago. By that I mean young, in school and in a shaky marriage.

My ex-wife and I divorced for a number of reasons, but the reason we divorced at the time we did rather than later was to "save our relationship." The love was still there, but we were unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it was the same. We had 2 small children and felt we had better just call it quits so we don't end up hating each other and making the children suffer because Mommy & Daddy can't stand each other. We wanted to maintain that closeness we had as friends before we were married.

The thought process seams logical enough and perhaps the intentions were good but it was a BAD decision. We gave up because it was the immediate solution to our problem. We talk alot now and it is clear that the love is still very much there but our relationship will never be the same. It changed instantly the moment we signed the divorce papers. It's like inside neither one of you can forgive the other (or yourselves) for giving up. We gave it a short go again after the divorce and it was just completely different (in a very bad way).

Now, I'm not saying that you guys belong together. You may very well be 2 very different people than you were when you married. That's the problem with marrying young, when you both "grow up" it is very possible to grow apart.

What I'm saying is, this is the biggest decision you have ever had to make, and maybe the biggest one you ever will. Be sure and give it all the attention you can before you make it. Maybe even try marriage counseling or something.

Anyway, sorry for the longgg post and best of luck to you brother.

[Shagaroo]

I know there are many opinions on the subject, so feel free to state them. I will harbor no bad feelings nor will it change my opinion of you.

I hope so.

Bubba, you are getting suckered, big time. She wants out and wants an easy way to get you to agree without a fight and she found it. She loves you and wants to be with you, but just can't be married to you? I hope you got some hip waders and a big shovel. Don't be shocked when she tells you since you are not longer married she can date if she wants to and you just sit down and take it.

[Bkcloud114]

Dude.....

I have been thru a divorce and have found the best woman ever the second time around. I am sorry to say she is playing you like a fiddle. You are getting a divorce but will still stay together.... what is the difference ? No more commitment between the two of you? Will she and you be able to see other people?

My first wife was my High School sweetheart, what a big f*ckin' mistake that was.....

Best advice I could give is to get the divorce, play it off like everything is alright between the two of you. After the divorce is final.....RUN LIKE HELL !!!!!!

Assuming that you have no children, cause you never mentioned them. This would be the best time to get away from her. I know she may love you and you love her but it does not sound like the two of you are "IN LOVE" and that is a big difference.

Like I tell everyone...... My first marriage was practice for the second one.

What ever you decide........ Good Luck !!!!!!!!!

[8-5-8]

Well allow me to retort...

Again thanks for your opinions guys, much appreciated.
And I don't know what's gonna happen, all I know is that we are happy at the moment, and I can't spite the journey for the destination. We are not religious people, so our marraige is more of a legal entity than anything. We have no children, so if we go through with the divorce and it doesn't work out, fine... I've made my plans otherwise (be prepared, it's the Boy Scout way). But I personally, knowing my wife as the person she is, I think that this is a step in a positive direction. We are making plans to go on vacation together (something we haven't talked about in a long time), and talking about our future (again, something that hasn't come up at all lately). If she can talk about our future together, than that is a good sign to me.

And initially it was me that mentioned getting divorced last week, as I couldn't continue living the way we were... I wanted out becuase there was nothing I could do to make her happy. And as I said, if we have to sacrifice a marraige thats less than 2 years old to save our 15-year relationship, then so be it.