Ho, ho, ho -- merry, er, happy holidays -- Santa hates being politically correct, but what with ASPCA up my big ass about how the reindeer are being treated and the elves trying to turn the North Pole into a union shop, I've just about had it. Hell, a few of those elves might just find themselves stuffed in a bag and thrown off the de Soto bridge.

So, Fred, tell me what I can do for you. What would make you happy? How about some venison jerky? A little teriyaki flavoring and I may just be able to stomach Rudolph.