Humor Contest

[toasty]

A man had just broken out of Huntsville State Prison after serving 10 years for a series of rapes. He managed to pick up a shotgun and an old work van. He tried keeping a low profile, and hid in the van parked outside of an apartment building. As the night went on, he saw more and more young women passing by, each one looking better and better. Then, the hottest, bustiest, curviest woman you would ever see walked by and his old instincts took the better of him. He jumped out of the back of the van and threw her inside. He told her, "As long as you do everything I say, I'll let you live. First take off your shirt." She did, without too much of a fuss. "Allright, now take off your bra." She began to argue and he loaded a round in the chamber. Quickly she changed her mind and unleashed the nicest, perkiest breasts in the world. Getting more and more worked up the man told her, "Take off your skirt and panties now!" She cried and began pleading for him to not do this, and she just wanted to go home. He pointed the shotgun at her head, then she complied. When he looked down, it was the most disgusting sight. She had an infestation of maggots, crabs, some scabs and a strange yellow slime that was dripping freely. The man, very disturbed at the sight, began vomiting profusely and violently when he dropped the gun. The woman, quick to react, snatched it quickly and pointed it at the man's head. Calmly, she looked him in the eye and said, "Eat me."

[Shelby07]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[Shelby07]

Over near England is a little island near the Isle of Man, and a very perculiar thing about this island is that they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep horses, so everyone has a donkey or what is more commonly known as an ass.

Now everyone, as I have said, has an ass. Some people have ordinary asses, asses that you wouldn't look at twice, while other people have extraordinary asses, Take the mayor, for example. Now he has an ass that no one would look at twice, but the mayor's wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses they have ever seen, and men often stop her as she goes through the marketplace to pat her ass.

On Sunday, everyone rides to church on their asses. Of course, sometimes the boys ride the girl's asses, and sometimes the girls ride the boy's asses. On this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the services and he figured he'd better have his ass handy, so he tied it just outside of the window. During the services a fire broke out and, of course, everyone ran to save their ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a hole there and he fell into the hole instead, which only goes to prove that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

[Desert Rat]

Great work guys,

Contest ends in a few hours, and there is no stand out winner yet. There are some Perdomo's and Astral's in the stash also.

.

[toasty]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[toasty]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[MCsommerreid]

A woman walks into a pet store and says to the owner "Hi, I'd like to buy a parrot".

The owner says "Well, all I got is this one parrot left, but he has a very foul mouth."

Perfectly timed the parrot responds with "Damn right mother fucker".

The old woman doesn't even bat an eye and says "I'll straighten the bird out. I'll take him"

So she goes home and sets the bird cage up and says to the bird "Now, I don't want to hear another bad word out of your mouth.

The bird, being particularly surley, says "Fuck you, bitch".

The woman takes the bird and puts it in the fridge for 10 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Now, the next time you swear I'll put you in for 20 minutes".

The parrot says "Go to hell an die, you old cock sucking whore".

So the old lady puts the bird in the fridge for 20 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Next time it's into the freezer with you."

The bird says "FUCK YOU!!"

So into the freezer the bird goes. Now the parrot is feeling cold and board and looks around and sees a frozen dinner chicken sitting next to it and says "Jesus H Christ!! What did you say to her?!"

****

Man walks into a bar (as men are wont to do) and goes to the bar and asks for a beer. He looks up and sees the most beautiful nativity scene he has seen in his life.

So he calls over the bartender and says "You know, that's a beautiful nativity scene, but there's one problem...why are the three wise men wearing firemens hats?"

The bartender says in an extreme southern drawl "Well, you all know that the three wise men came from a fire".