Humor Contest

**Shelby07** · 04-30-2006, 10:22 PM

Three guys on a hunting trip were sitting around a campfire talking about the worst pain they had ever experienced.

The first guy says "Well, when I was in 'Nam we drove over a land mine. Damn shrapnel blew right through the bottom of the jeep. I still got this here limp."

The second guy says "Well, I was workin' on the pick-up over there and I got these here two fingers stuck between the fan belt and the pully. Ripped 'em clean off."

The third guy just reflected a bit. After a while he said, "Well, the last huntin' trip I was on I was walkin' through the woods over there and had to take a shit real bad. So I found me a big ol' log and sat down on it." He paused a bit, then continued. "Turns out somebody but a big ol' bear trap right next to the log, and when I sat down my balls hung down and sprung the trap." The other guys just sat there looking at him in amazement as he sat quietly next to the campfire. Finally one of the guys said, "Man. that sounds horrible. I'm gettin' sick just thinkin' 'bout it." The fella replied, "Well it sure was painful all right, but I'll tell you what... when I hit the end of that chain..."

**Shelby07** · 04-30-2006, 10:35 PM

A blonde walked into the emergency room with a gunshot wound in the palm of her hand. As the young doctor was treating her, he asked her what happened.

"Oh" she said, "I just got so tired of people thinking I'm stupid just because I'm a blonde, I decided to end it all."

The doctor said, "So, let me get this straight. You shot yourself in the hand trying to kill yourself?" The blonde replied "Yes."

The doctor paused a bit, then said, "M'am, You do know that you can't kill yourself by shooting yourself in the palm of your hand, don't you?"

"Of course, silly!" she replied. "I took the gun and put the barrel into my left ear." She took her left hand and stuck her index finger in her left ear as she mimmicked pitting a gun to her head. "Then at the last minute" she said as he covered her right ear with the palm of her right hand, "I thought... This is gonna be loud."

**MCsommerreid** · 04-30-2006, 10:46 PM

Old woman calls a doctor and asks "Where is a womans heart?"

The doctor responds "About 1 inch below her left breast".

A day later the doctor sees the same old woman being rushed into the emergency room with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The doctor asks "What happened?!"

The old woman says "You said my heart was below my left breast!"

****

How can you tell if your computer has been used by a blond?

There's white out on the screen.

****

What's white and sits on the lawn?

Pattie O' Furniture

****

How do you know if a blond has been playing video games?

The joystick is wet.

****

How do you make a blonds eyes twinkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

****

Why wont sharks eat lawyers?

Proffessional courtesy.

****

Why wont sharks eat clowns?

They taste funny.

****

What do you have when you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

****

A doctor is contacted by a lawyer who asks him "Were you medically certain the deceased was really dead?"

The doctor says "Yes."

The lawyer asks "Did you take his pulse?"

The doctor responds "No. I did not."

The lawyer asks "Did you check for breathing?"

The doctor says "No, I did not."

The lawyer finally says "Then how, sir, do you know the deceased is really dead?!"

The doctor responds "Well, I have the mans brain in a jar on my desk. But for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

****

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck.

****

What do you call 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

****

A man is driving down the road, and as he is driving he sees a lawyer. IN keeping with tradition when he passes the lawyer he runs him down and kills him.

Further along the man sees a hitch hiker and notices that he is a priest. He figures a priest is OK so he gives him a ride.

A little more down the road he sees another lawyer walking and on reflex starts driving towards him. At the last minute he remembers that he has a priest in the car and swerves away.

He looks over to the priest and says "Oh no. I'm so sorry, I almost hit that lawyer!!"

The priest looks calmly at him and responds "Don't worry. I got him with the door."

****

Why are there so many lawyers in the US?

Because St. Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland.

****

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

**Shelby07** · 04-30-2006, 10:48 PM

Two buddies were sitting in a local tavern having a beer. One of the fellows noticed that his friend was in a really quiet mood.

"Have a tough day? he asked. His friend replied "Yeah, I went skydiving today."

The first fellow said, Really? I tried skydiving once and it wasn't bad at all. In fact, I had a great time. What happened?"

"Well..." his buddy said... "I got to the airfield and was pretty excited. I didn't know if I could go through with it, but the instructor said not to worry, He'd had that problem with first timers before and knew just how to handle it. So I strapped on the 'chute and off we went. I was the last one to jump, and when I got to that door, I froze. I told the instructor that I just couldn't do it. He told me not to worry, and he called Bubba out of the cockpit. He told me that if I didn't jump, Bubba was gonna fuck me up the ass!"

"Holy shit!" said his friend, "Did you jump?

"Well..." he said, "a little at first..."

**Shelby07** · 04-30-2006, 10:57 PM

A blonde gets on an airplane going to Chicago and sits down in the first class cabin. Soon after a man comes up and says, "I'm sorry m'am, you're sitting in my seat." The woman looks at him and says

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

The man didn't know what to do, so he called the flight attendant over. The fligh attendant told the woman that she had to take her seat in coach. The blonde said,

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

Not knowing what to do, the flight attendant called the captain over who, after hearing the story, again told the woman that she'd have to sit in her assigned seat in coach. The woman looked up at the captain and said

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

The captain leaned over and whispered something in the womans ear. Immediately she jumped up and took her seat in coach.

The puzzled but relieved flight attendant lookae at the captain and asked "What did you say to her?"
The captain replied. "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."

**Desert Rat** · 04-30-2006, 11:02 PM

OK times up-great job guys!

Let me tally the results and see if I can pick a clear winner.

**Desert Rat** · 05-01-2006, 12:22 AM

Ok the results are in:

THE WINNERS:
....................................Posts.......Jo kes........Cigars Won
1) MCsommerreid..............5...........27.......... .......25
2) Shelby07......................6............6...... ............20
3) Nefie............................4............4... ...............15
4) toasty..........................3.............3... ...............10

Honorable mention goes to to indy, slcraiders, and Toasty, and Brian for participating.

Lopaka wins a consolation prize of a single Cohiba Yellow Band (yes the bundle variety) for not understanding the contest.

Send me your snailers PM to receive your winnings.

**MCsommerreid** · 05-01-2006, 12:27 AM

El PM sent.

**Newfie** · 05-01-2006, 06:15 AM

PM sent.

Thanks again DR.

**Desert Rat** · 05-01-2006, 08:29 AM

OK got everybody's addy. Will package things up tonight after work and send em out tomorrow.

**Desert Rat** · 05-02-2006, 10:34 PM

OK Gars out:
MCsommerreid 70060100000656503070
Toasty 70060100000656503087
Shelby07 70060100000656503063
Newfie Newfie, you are a Canuck. Canadians are not recognized by the US Postal Service as deserving of delivery confirmation numbers. In fact, your cigars will probably end up in the clutches of some vigilant cigar smoking Mountie, whose sole purpose in life is to prevent the onslaught of cigars being sent from the US to Canada via airmail.

Enjoy boys