Atm Machine

[pub spears]

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse, back up the required amount to align car window to machine.
3. Set parking brake; put the window down.
4. Find purse, dump contents onto passenger seat to locate card.Refill purse.
5. Turn the radio down.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Reinsert card the right way up.
11. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside of the back page.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
18. Place receipt in back of checkbook.
19. Recheck make-up again.
20. Drive forward 2 feet.
21. Reverse back to cash machine.
22. Retrieve card.
23. Re-empty purse, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers behind you.
25. Restart stalled engine and pull away.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[john51277]

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


No shit.

[ggiese]

I would laugh, but this is so true...

So one evening, I'm all fat and sassy watching the boob tube - and I get a call from work (mind you, I'm a LEO so it's one of our sergeants). My vehicle (the one the wife usually drives) is reported in an "armed robbery" at a bank near us....

Strange, I think - because my wife and I are not normally accustomed to robbing banks - and we have sufficient funds to take care of our day to day expenses...

So I'm thinking it must be that someone stole my car and used it in an armed robbery. Now I'm starting to panic. Is she somehow stranded somewhere with the kids after some asshole stole our car? Worse - Could it be that my wife was carjacked? All these thoughts are flooding through my mind - and I don't know if I should go out looking for her, or stay at the house...

At about this time my wife and kids some strolling in the house, all happy and laughing about their shopping experience. Our car is parked safely in the driveway. Me, of course - I'm VERY curious about why the police would have broadcast on statewide radio that the very car sitting so peacefully in our driveway would have been reported as being involved in an armed robbery... So I just gotta ask...

My wife starts laughing and begins to tell me the ATM story.

So - she pulls into the ATM at a bank near a mall so she can retrieve some cash funds. She's not familiar with the ATM, but it is the only ATM that she knows of in that area. In the ATM bay is a woman, parked alongside the ATM machine. She is obviously in the midst of following the above steps - one through thirty.

My wife patiently waits, but her patience is growing thin towards about the 15 minute mark. The woman, apparently, is in the process of clipping her nails and filing them - or some other such nonsense (I guess she added step 31). So - my wife gives her a gently "let's get going" tap of the horn. Not a good thing...

So now the woman pulls out her latest issue of "O" magazine (woman like Oprah, ya know) - and reads several articles (step 32 - this woman is making them up as she goes along). She then opens her checkbook and begins to balance it (step 33). By this time, my wife has had enough...

So wifey gets out of her car and walks up to the ATM machine and inserts her card to start her transaction. The woman is furious!!! She starts yelling at wifey, "THAT'S MY ATM MACHINE!!! YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT!!!" and proceeds to start smacking the wife through her open car window. Wifey retrieves her ATM card and tells the woman to have a nice day (or words similar to that...)

Wifey decides this is BS (because now the woman is obviously not going to move - even with a good load of dynamite). And now she's more determined than ever not to relinquish the ATM machine. So momma leaves...

As she's pulling out of the mall she says she sees a bunch of yellow and green lights coming from all directions towards the bank (mall security, you know...). She said a couple of the mall security pickup trucks come towards her!!! Momma is thinking, "this must be related to the crazy woman at the ATM", but also thinks "that woman is crazy!" - so she avoids the mall security dragnet and drives home.

So I call the local PD that services the mall. Sure enough - they're looking for someone matching my wife's description, driving a vehicle matching the description of the car I own. So I inquire - what is the allegation?

According to the ATM woman - she was conducting a transaction at the ATM machine when this "crazy woman" (not that wifey can't be crazy, but she was pretty calm in this instance) tried to grab her ATM card and money! Mind you - momma is not in the habit of robbing people, and surely is not in need of this woman's ATM card or her cash. I ask momma about that - she of course tells me the woman had been done with her transaction for quite a while BEFORE wifey had stepped up. The only ATM card in the machine was momma's.

I told the detective the actual story - and there is dead silence on the other end of the phone. He's really not sure how to handle this whole thing. Clearly, he's been given an ominous story of what had happened. He then tells me that I need to bring my wife down and she needs to turn herself in on the armed robbery allegation. I'm just a tad irritated at this point...

So I ask him if I need to turn her in and have an attorney present? Where is this all going? He said we really needed to straighten this all out at his station. I'm now a tad bit more irritated, given the crap ATM woman has already created. I tell him, "I hope through your inquiry you're able to pull the ATM transaction video - I'm sure that will be pretty telling, don't you think?" "And further - If you review the transaction video and you see ATM woman striking my wife if it is as I have described - you are going to arrest her for battery, correct? - I mean, you are planning to do a fair and balanced evaluation of the events?" I get an immediate, "I'll call you right back..."

A short time later the detective calls me back and reports they have reviewed the video. He offers his apologies and asks that we not sign complaints against the woman. I'm a tad bit offended that this woman had caused such a brouhaha and was going to escape punishment! The detective pleads with me to drop the whole thing - he says he's going to have a tough enough time calming the woman down after revealing to her the content of the video tape... ...and then to add on that she's going to be arrested for battery.

...I often wonder when a woman is doing steps one through thirty when she's at an ATM - if she's not the woman that accosted my wife. But now I realize - it is something that is a naturnal process....

[HersheyWalker]

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.


No shit.

Haha.

[CoventryCat86]

I like George's story better. What's even funnier is his is REAL!

[AK & Stogie]

I ran all those by the girlfriend today. We have official female confirmation of their legitimacy. Now that the bashing has been sanctioned by a female, we can bash away and have a field day.

[supergirl]

This is why I don't have an ATM card and I don't drive. I take my 'allowance' and get dropped off by the bf. Easier that way.