Christmas Writing Contest

It is time for the 3rd annual Christmas Writing contest. We have lots of new and creative members this year, so I expect to see lots of submissions.

Here are the rules:
1. Contest begins today.
2. Open to members in good standing with a minimum of 25 posts as of today. If you don't know if you're in good standing or not, enter anyway, someone will let you know if you don't qualify. :smiley2:
3. You can submit as many entries as you want. Entries are to be posted in this thread.
4. Entry can be in the form of a poem, song, haiku, limerick, or just a short story, and can be serious or humorous.
5. Deadlines are CST, I don't want to have to add and subtract
6. Entry must be themed around cigarsmokers.com and Christmas.
7. Winners will be chosen by Poll of the membership, all members in good standing are allowed to vote.
8. As the host, I won't be playing.

Deadline to post your entry = Midnight CST, Friday, December 25, 2009
Poll starts on Monday, December 28, 2009 and runs through Monday, January 4, 2009

The prize will be a selection of sticks from my cooler. I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

Great idea for a contest - I am now going to spend the next couple work days figuring out words that rhyme with "nozzle"...

-Buzz

Clip, torch a cigar
Enjoy the spirit of the days
Brothers of the leaf

Next up is a limmerick that will start with "There once was a man from Wichita..."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by EGQ

Clip, torch a cigar
Enjoy the spirit of the days
Brothers of the leaf

Next up is a limmerick that will start with "There once was a man from Wichita..."

---

Ya just have to keep in mind who is sending the prize if it wins. :smiley2:

There once was a man from Wichita
When he gazed upon his humidor, he liked what he saw
And he said with a grin
As he lit a Don Pepin
"Happy holidays to all, especially those in the practice of law"

The new year was coming, their mission was clear
those lexicon folks searched for word of the year
the people at Oxford looked high and looked low
for a word that was unknown just one year ago

they searched all the forums, ideas unfurled
as they struggled to reshape the speech of the world
"Muggle," "blamestorming," "threequel" and "grrrl"
the words flowed like water, each a winner, a pearl!

yet the collections of scholars just couldn't agree
is the term a "screenager" or a "mini-me"
As they struggled and fought it became very clear
a consensus was lacking for word of the year.

They fought into the night and throughout the next day
but their discord was fierce, for there'd be hell to pay
if they didn't live up to their laurels so high
they could kiss their achievements and honors goodbye

Days, then weeks passed as their battles went on
until finally the next to the last had withdrawn
so consensus had come, the announcement was made
that the end had come, finally, to this epic crusade

All the cameras were running, the world was abuzz
as the scholars announced what the special word was
"It's a word found on Facebook! It's the best!" they'd contend
"The Word Of The Year..." then a drum roll... "UNFRIEND!"

After all of their work and despite all their plume
a silence descended among those in the room
for the word they sought after should have been crystal clear
We all know "douchenozzle" is word of the year!


Merry Christmas!!!

(the rules say it had to have a Christmas theme.)

Dam Shelby, I can't compete with that. All of my writing will sound like a new born baby's babbling compared to your penmanship.
Thanks alot for ruining my chances:smiley43:

:smiley9:

Keith

Christmas is known as a holiday for all
Where kids young and old will be having a ball
Mothers and fathers use credit cards with might
Just to see their bill, their faces read fright.

What would the wife like? A husband might ask
“I think at her age, she might need a mask!”
Tempted but careful, he buys her perfume,
The scent of sweet flowers ready to bloom.

“My husband has all the toys that he wants!”
I’ll go with the traditional set of work pants!
More tools for the garage, I know he would like
Or maybe an accessory for his motor bike.

Dad is retired and is always hard to read
What he would like, I don’t know indeed
A tv, vacation, or fishing gear set?
A father-son hunting trip he’ll never forget!

Who can forget Mother who’s always be there
Tender and loving with so much sweet care
I know what she’ll say “Please don’t get me a present,
Just having you home makes my life pleasant”

So family is taken care of, what a great relief
Now I can focus on the commander in Chief!
Not Obama, no, he’s not on my list
A gift for myself, something with a twist

I’ve been getting my presents throughout the year
Manful desires of all types of gear
From dive trips, to guns, to fine cigars
They all make good stories when I’m out at the bars

I have a hard time thinking what should I get
I’d hate buying something that later I would regret
Money is tight so it can’t be expensive
Thinking of this makes me apprehensive

I’ve always enjoyed a good bottle of whisky
(so does my wife cause she knows I get frisky):smiley2:
But drinking alone is not so much fun
Especially when your buddies, only drink rum

I guess I have realized I have all I need
Family, health, and the will to succeed
But there is one thing, that I will ask for
Please bring our troops back from this ugly war!

So cheer up my friends and raise you glasses!
A toast to all, good friends and badasses!
Let’s have a ball like those days at the prom
A Merry Christmas to all at cigarsmokers.com!

Good stuff coming in, looks to be a good competition. :smiley20:

I was at the bar, Christmas eve. The crowd was kind of thin being the eve of a major holiday. I ordered up another shot of Wild Turkey, and the barmaid just gave me a look that said “don’t you have somewhere to be besides here?” I ignored her. I looked at the shot, its amber color and I actually did wonder if there was somewhere I should be. I took the shot & outted my Padron in the ashtray.

It was getting close to closing, and I threw on my jacket and headed out. I walked down the street towards my apartment. The evening was crisp and there was no breeze. I looked at the colorful holiday ornaments adorning the street lamps & glanced at Christmas trees perched prominently in people’s houses as only a few cars made their way down the street. The red glow of the taillights matching a tinsel santa clause hanging lopsided on a mailbox.

A dusting of snow had fallen on the ground during my time inside at the Major Purpose. I thought it was fitting, and the sky above had cleared out to a moonless night. When I got home, all the lights were off. I unlocked the door quietly, trying not to disturb the other tenants whose children I’m sure were sleeping with the proverbial sugar plums dancing. I went to the fridge. A couple of stainless pots with mac-n-cheese cluttered a mostly beverage filled appliance. I reached in and pulled out a bottle of Porter and made my way to the stereo. I slipped on the headphones and drifted off to David Bowie’s “Major Tom”

I dreamed of earlier days. I dreamed of people I’ve met, come and gone through my life. I dreamed of women I met and never had the salt to ask out on a date. I dreamed of my family that seemed so distant. I dreamed of things I’d wished to do, and never got around to between work & other obligations.

The next morning, I woke up. Amazingly I had no hangover. The draft of Porter sat empty next to my hand and the CD had long stopped spinning. The sun shone bright through the window on my face. Somehow I made it to the couch in the living room. I realized our Christmas tree and groggily looked at its beauty with ornaments & lights all lit. Then I heard a stirring coming from upstairs. I heard a tiny voice babbling. I realized I was in my home, with my family. I heard mommy getting Val ready to come downstairs & see what Santa brought. I remembered that there was much to prepare for Christmas dinner, where both families would visit & eat & drink and be merry.

Throughout the day, we cooked & prepared & played. Later, when the events of the day died down, I went to the basement & realized that there was another extended family waiting to share & commiserate on the holiday events they experienced. I lit up an Anejo & logged on chat.

Merry Christmas BOTL & SOTLs!
Will
ps. Thanks for the contest, Jamie...Merry Christmas

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by EGQ

Clip, torch a cigar
Enjoy the spirit of the days
Brothers of the leaf

---

I think you have 8 syllables in the 2nd line - Haikus are tough, it would be easier if they were in a 15-20-15 syllable format.

-Buzz (aka the Haiku police)

Ok, I spent all night last night coming up with this one. Sorry Kevin, I had to use you because you and Mark are the only ones I have done a deal with, and "Mark" only has one syllable...

[clearing throat]

You know Basil, and Corvin, and Roham, and Hefty...
Badwhale, and Roger, and Rugby, and Cinda...
but do you recall...
the most famous cigarsmoker of all?

Kevin the crazy smoker (smoker),
has over a thousand posts (wow that's a lot).
most of which are completely usable (usable),
for punchlines to awesome jokes (like the knock-knock ones).

All of the asshat users (users),
seem to atract his witty slang (like "princess").
They never seem to learn that (learn that),
dumb posts receive more shame (stop crying babies).

Then one day Santa appeared,
brought up some posts and swoosh (uh oh Santa)!
Kevin took notice and he replied,
"thats some funny shit there santadouche".

All of the CS members (members),
smiled, grinned and laughed with glee (hee hee).
They'll always appreciate Kevin (Kevin),
and his hilarious commentary (and he's the nice one)!

Thanks for the contest!
-Buzz

Something I wrote while at work...

We all share a love for cigarros
I love them more than pizza from Sbarros
We enjoy Padrons, Padillas and Patels
Some of us must like flavor infused cigars ‘cause Drew sells
Stogies with coffee, scotch or beer
Only two hundred cigars in my humi, better stock up, I fear
Smoking while you read, watch or listen
Sitting in the cold and feeling your bones stiffen
With your partner, with a friend or via the net
Smoking together beats smoking alone? You bet!
Love the hilarity I find on cigarsmokers.com
Christmas this year is gonna be the bomb!

:smiley4:Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas to all the board members:smiley20:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by buzz

I think you have 8 syllables in the 2nd line - Haikus are tough, it would be easier if they were in a 15-20-15 syllable format.

-Buzz (aka the Haiku police)

---

:smiley38:

Haha, sorry EGQ - I just have that annoying obsessive compulsive syllable-counting disorder.

Here is a haiku I came up reminding me of the other night - sitting outside with my wife, nice and cold but we had the fire pit going - beautiful clear night... perfect.

Winter cigar smoke
Rises slowly to the stars
Leaving us behind

[Buzz quickly counts his syllables... thinks he is good]

-Buzz

Hmmmmm, Buzz the Haiku master.... amazing!

Haikus are stupid
they don't ryhme and are too short
but are fun to write

:smiley16:

-Buzz

I don't know how "Christmas-y" these are.........BUT.....they are cs related..............reasonably..................

A collection of motherfucking haikus for my motherfucking brothers of the motherfucking leaf:

motherfucking newbs
need to read more and post less
kiss my big fat ass

chugg you fat bastard
I think all that was made up
you fucking douchebag

I do wish Dennis
could just let it fucking go
and would come back soon

why does it seem that
some asshole wants to sell us
glass-top cohibas?

i wish i could smoke
a box of padrons before
dinner tomorrow

someone needs to please
piss off kevin and basil
i could use the laugh

hey kaelaria
original douchenozzle
your reviews still suck

ashauler talks a
lot of shit with a poodle
as his avatar

I'm fucking surprised
there's any cigars left with
BWA around

I think it's odd that
there are so many people
named Chris on this board

where can I find both
an asshole and a lawyer
from New Hampshire here?

hey DAN congrats on
the new house and new smoke shop
the steelers still suck

what the fuck happened
to craig and what the fuck is
in his avatar?

does anyone know
if we are rid of daredog
for good already?

badwhale needs to find
different beer to drink with
his awesome reviews

Hey there Dr. Deuss
what the fuck was the point of
all that stupid shit?

buzz, while you are new
and your shit doesn't stink yet
we'll still find you out

hey there hex thanks for
putting up with all our shit
keep up the great work

all you douchenozzles
go and fuck yourselves and have
a Merry Christmas

Quote:

---

chugg you fat bastard
I think all of that was made up
you fucking douchebag

---

Illegal Haiku!

Quote:

---

badwhale needs to find
a different beer to drink with
his awesome reviews

---

Illegal Haiku!

Quote:

---

Hey Dr. Deuss
what the fuck was the point of
all that stupid shit?

---

Illegal Haiku!

Quote:

---

buzz, while you are new
and your shit doesn't stink yet
we'll still find you out

---

Checking smell... oh yeah it stinks bad today...

-Buzz

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by mrtr33

I don't know how "Christmas-y" these are.........BUT.....they are cs related..............reasonably..................

A collection of motherfucking haikus for my motherfucking brothers of the motherfucking leaf:

ashauler talks a
lot of shit with a poodle
as his avatar

---

Well, Stanley isn't a fuckin' poodle and you just made his shit-list. He'll bite your goddamn ankles bloody boy!!

Mark will be a dad
no more time to smoke cigars
just send them to me

-Buzz

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by buzz

Mark will be a dad
no more time to smoke cigars
just send them to me

-Buzz

---

sorry, buzz. Illegal haiku.

I spell my name with not only a silent, but an invisible 'e' at the end, making the pronunciation of my name 2 syllables long.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by mrtr33

sorry, buzz. Illegal haiku.

I spell my name with not only a silent, but an invisible 'e' at the end, making the pronunciation of my name 2 syllables long.

---

Dang, had I known that I could have used your name in my Christmas song above...

-Buzz

bigwhiteash is here
he will smoke all your cigars
no White Owls, Santa

Got some good stuff here......let's get some more entries. :smiley20:

Here is my shot at a short story...

Driving home. The snowbirds are in full bloom and no one seems interested in being courteous to you as you try to become a part of the flow. You watch as they drive by; ignoring you, pretending they don't see you. A minivan passes. The DVD player hanging from the driver's seat displays an animated rat cooking some soup. A present-filled SUV driven by a cell phone nearly takes out a bicyclist. You sigh, and turn the radio on. Commercial, you change the station. Some politician is lying; you turn the radio off. Another minivan passes and there is just enough room to squeeze into the traffic - you're on your way home.

The year is nearly over; it was a tough year. A bad year. Your company had to lay someone off; a friend. A good friend. Your salary was cut; a lot. A whole lot. You bought your wife a present but you wish it could have been something else. That other thing that she really would have liked, but it was expensive and she would have made you take it back. She is a good wife; a great wife. A wonderful wife.

At the red light you see two people arguing outside Walgreen’s. The bell-ringer keeps ringing, attempting to drown out the argument no doubt. The light turns green, but then right back to red. An ambulance rushes past, lights flashing and siren wailing. Heading East, fast. The argument is over now; the man appears to have won.

You pull into your driveway and smile. Hogan is standing at the gate wagging his tail. Your wife is making green bean casserole. You give her a kiss. The mail on the counter says that the gas bill is due, but it also says Merry Christmas from a friend. You go throw the ball for Hogan; he brings it back to you.

The casserole was great, she added spicy somehow. You talked about the coming weekend plans, and the mortgage payment. You head out to the shop to fix a lamp and Hogan comes along to help. You grab a RP from the humidor on the way out. 15 minutes later the lamp is fixed. You brush the leaves from the Adirondack chair next to your fire pit and have a seat. You wonder what the other members of CS are doing tonight. As you stare up at the clear night sky the silence is broken by Billie Holiday. She is singing "All the way". Your wife must have put it on. The sliding glass door opens and she brings you a couple fingers of scotch. “Did you fix the lamp?” “You know it, babycakes.” Blanket in hand, and a book about angels; she snuggles into the chair next to you and sighs. You sigh too. You have a good wife, a great wife. A wonderful wife.

The smoke drifts to the fire pit, where it is caught up and catapulted away. It takes your worries with it.

-Buzz

Nice one Buzz.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ericdriscoll

Nice one Buzz.

---

http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b1...mpingleg-1.jpg

Haha... I was thinking the same thing!

In my mind though, the dog was brown...

-Buzz

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by buzz

In my mind though, the dog was brown...

---

In my mind, the dog was Fark-colored.

1 week left.........

Fark what will you choose to smo-oke,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
Are we kidding or are we serious,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Are you waiting for bluesmudge to tell you
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
To the newblets rescue he’ll come
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.


The path was right in front of you,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
But some shit stuck to your shoe
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Now you’re just the source of laughter
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
While ibarney takes his meds and rests,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
Hail the new, ye farkwads and asshats
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..


Here we sing now, all in one voice,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
You could have just shut up and made a choice
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ashauler

Fark what will you choose to smo-oke,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
Are we kidding or are we serious,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Are you waiting for bluesmudge to tell you
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
To the newblets rescue he’ll come
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.


The path was right in front of you,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
But some shit stuck to your shoe
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Now you’re just the source of laughter
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
While ibarney takes his meds and rests,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
Hail the new, ye farkwads and asshats
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..


Here we sing now, all in one voice,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
You could have just shut up and made a choice
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

---

well done my friend :smiley32:

Will, I believe it's a song even weiner dogs can sing!:smiley9:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all though the CS house
Not a creature was stirring, not even Mangyrat (who’s avatar resembles a mouse)
The empty cello was hung by the humi with care,
In hopes that (that evil, vindictive, and hugely generous bastid) St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The BOTLs were nestled all sung in their beds,
While visions of Anejos & ISOMs danced in their heads.
And Cinda in her ‘kerchief, and hubby in his cap,
Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s ummmm….nap…yeah.

When out on the lawn there arouse such a clatter,
I sprang from my PAM to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew with my flask,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to the windowless van below.
When, what to my glazed / bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a dude with no clothes on, whom I assumed was quite queer.

With a little old driver, not so lively nor quick,
I smelled MD 20/20 and knew instead it was St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he belched, and then catcalled, and they each had a name!

“Now Ashauler!, now, Smoked!!, now, BWA & Kevin7!
On, factored!, On EGQ, on Hefty and Shit, who’s the last one, I’m half blitzen
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Don’t let me fuckin’ fall!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Dragging his fatass, tried to mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the CS members they flew,
With a sleigh full of STOGIES!!!!, and that St. Nick’s blubber too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and a plop of Abyr dropping a deuce.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney naked smelly dude came with a bound.

He was not dressed at all, from his head to his foot,
And his skin was all pink & red with ashes and soot.
A bundle of smokes he had flung on his back,
And he kinda looked like Sammis doing a newb sampler, opening his pack.

His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like cottage cheese, his nose (obviously) was like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was stained with drool & it needed a mow.

The stump of a spliff he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face, and a bulging beastly belly,
That shook when he coughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right crazy old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn’t help myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know daredogs cause dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stocking, and farted like a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And striking a match, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to the van, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him drunkenly slur, “er he drove (hic!) out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good –night!”

OK, I'll get the poll up sometime this afternoon. Thanks to everyone for the submissions. :smiley20: :smiley20:

O.K., the poll is up. The max options for the poll is set at 10, so I had to combine members entries on a single line. I would have liked to be able to have each entry as a choice, but this will work.

Thanks again to all who entered, I enjoyed reading all the entries. :smiley32:

Poll closes on Monday, January 4.

I know more than 12 of you lazy bastids read these posts........vote.

Okey Dokey, the votes have been cast, and the winner is badwhale!! :smiley32: I'll package up the WO's and Nasty's and head them your way in the next few days.

Thanks to all of you for your submissions, I enjoyed reading them. :smiley20:

Thanks for hosting this thing ashauler!:smiley20: