Christmas Writing Contest

[buzz]

Mark will be a dad
no more time to smoke cigars
just send them to me

-Buzz

[mrtr33]

Mark will be a dad
no more time to smoke cigars
just send them to me

-Buzz

sorry, buzz. Illegal haiku.

I spell my name with not only a silent, but an invisible 'e' at the end, making the pronunciation of my name 2 syllables long.

[buzz]

sorry, buzz. Illegal haiku.

I spell my name with not only a silent, but an invisible 'e' at the end, making the pronunciation of my name 2 syllables long.

Dang, had I known that I could have used your name in my Christmas song above...

-Buzz

[bigwhiteash]

bigwhiteash is here
he will smoke all your cigars
no White Owls, Santa

[ashauler]

Got some good stuff here......let's get some more entries.

[buzz]

Here is my shot at a short story...

Driving home. The snowbirds are in full bloom and no one seems interested in being courteous to you as you try to become a part of the flow. You watch as they drive by; ignoring you, pretending they don't see you. A minivan passes. The DVD player hanging from the driver's seat displays an animated rat cooking some soup. A present-filled SUV driven by a cell phone nearly takes out a bicyclist. You sigh, and turn the radio on. Commercial, you change the station. Some politician is lying; you turn the radio off. Another minivan passes and there is just enough room to squeeze into the traffic - you're on your way home.

The year is nearly over; it was a tough year. A bad year. Your company had to lay someone off; a friend. A good friend. Your salary was cut; a lot. A whole lot. You bought your wife a present but you wish it could have been something else. That other thing that she really would have liked, but it was expensive and she would have made you take it back. She is a good wife; a great wife. A wonderful wife.

At the red light you see two people arguing outside Walgreen’s. The bell-ringer keeps ringing, attempting to drown out the argument no doubt. The light turns green, but then right back to red. An ambulance rushes past, lights flashing and siren wailing. Heading East, fast. The argument is over now; the man appears to have won.

You pull into your driveway and smile. Hogan is standing at the gate wagging his tail. Your wife is making green bean casserole. You give her a kiss. The mail on the counter says that the gas bill is due, but it also says Merry Christmas from a friend. You go throw the ball for Hogan; he brings it back to you.

The casserole was great, she added spicy somehow. You talked about the coming weekend plans, and the mortgage payment. You head out to the shop to fix a lamp and Hogan comes along to help. You grab a RP from the humidor on the way out. 15 minutes later the lamp is fixed. You brush the leaves from the Adirondack chair next to your fire pit and have a seat. You wonder what the other members of CS are doing tonight. As you stare up at the clear night sky the silence is broken by Billie Holiday. She is singing "All the way". Your wife must have put it on. The sliding glass door opens and she brings you a couple fingers of scotch. “Did you fix the lamp?” “You know it, babycakes.” Blanket in hand, and a book about angels; she snuggles into the chair next to you and sighs. You sigh too. You have a good wife, a great wife. A wonderful wife.

The smoke drifts to the fire pit, where it is caught up and catapulted away. It takes your worries with it.

-Buzz

[ericdriscoll]

Nice one Buzz.

[CoventryCat86]

Nice one Buzz.

[buzz]

Haha... I was thinking the same thing!

In my mind though, the dog was brown...

-Buzz

[mrtr33]

In my mind though, the dog was brown...

In my mind, the dog was Fark-colored.

[ashauler]

1 week left.........

[ashauler]

Fark what will you choose to smo-oke,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
Are we kidding or are we serious,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Are you waiting for bluesmudge to tell you
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
To the newblets rescue he’ll come
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.


The path was right in front of you,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
But some shit stuck to your shoe
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Now you’re just the source of laughter
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
While ibarney takes his meds and rests,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
Hail the new, ye farkwads and asshats
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..


Here we sing now, all in one voice,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
You could have just shut up and made a choice
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

[mail man]

Fark what will you choose to smo-oke,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
Are we kidding or are we serious,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Are you waiting for bluesmudge to tell you
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
To the newblets rescue he’ll come
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.


The path was right in front of you,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
But some shit stuck to your shoe
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Now you’re just the source of laughter
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.
While ibarney takes his meds and rests,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

Fast away the old year passes,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
Hail the new, ye farkwads and asshats
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..


Here we sing now, all in one voice,
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark..
You could have just shut up and made a choice
Fark la Fark, la Fark, la Fark, Fark. Fark.

well done my friend

[Roger]

Will, I believe it's a song even weiner dogs can sing!

[badwhale]

Twas the night before Christmas, when all though the CS house
Not a creature was stirring, not even Mangyrat (who’s avatar resembles a mouse)
The empty cello was hung by the humi with care,
In hopes that (that evil, vindictive, and hugely generous bastid) St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The BOTLs were nestled all sung in their beds,
While visions of Anejos & ISOMs danced in their heads.
And Cinda in her ‘kerchief, and hubby in his cap,
Had just settled their brains for a long winter’s ummmm….nap…yeah.

When out on the lawn there arouse such a clatter,
I sprang from my PAM to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew with my flask,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to the windowless van below.
When, what to my glazed / bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a dude with no clothes on, whom I assumed was quite queer.

With a little old driver, not so lively nor quick,
I smelled MD 20/20 and knew instead it was St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he belched, and then catcalled, and they each had a name!

“Now Ashauler!, now, Smoked!!, now, BWA & Kevin7!
On, factored!, On EGQ, on Hefty and Shit, who’s the last one, I’m half blitzen
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Don’t let me fuckin’ fall!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Dragging his fatass, tried to mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the CS members they flew,
With a sleigh full of STOGIES!!!!, and that St. Nick’s blubber too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and a plop of Abyr dropping a deuce.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney naked smelly dude came with a bound.

He was not dressed at all, from his head to his foot,
And his skin was all pink & red with ashes and soot.
A bundle of smokes he had flung on his back,
And he kinda looked like Sammis doing a newb sampler, opening his pack.

His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like cottage cheese, his nose (obviously) was like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was stained with drool & it needed a mow.

The stump of a spliff he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face, and a bulging beastly belly,
That shook when he coughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right crazy old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn’t help myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know daredogs cause dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stocking, and farted like a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And striking a match, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to the van, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him drunkenly slur, “er he drove (hic!) out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good –night!”

[ashauler]

OK, I'll get the poll up sometime this afternoon. Thanks to everyone for the submissions.

[ashauler]

O.K., the poll is up. The max options for the poll is set at 10, so I had to combine members entries on a single line. I would have liked to be able to have each entry as a choice, but this will work.

Thanks again to all who entered, I enjoyed reading all the entries.

Poll closes on Monday, January 4.

[ashauler]

I know more than 12 of you lazy bastids read these posts........vote.

[ashauler]

Okey Dokey, the votes have been cast, and the winner is badwhale!! I'll package up the WO's and Nasty's and head them your way in the next few days.

Thanks to all of you for your submissions, I enjoyed reading them.

[Fuma787]

Thanks for hosting this thing ashauler!