Wife is really griping about smoking.

[Kenyth]

Primarily, the smell is her complaint, and she doesn't find it attractive at all. I started with cigars while she was still smoking cigarrettes. I was a very light smoker and found cigs completely boring. I found the occasional cigar to be much more to my liking. She has since quit smoking, and tolerance has gone downhill since.

We are very busy and lacking intimacy lately, but that's more her fault than mine. She makes 90% of the social and activities schedule. She also wants intimacy to be under somewhat perfect conditions, and that just doesn't happen in real life with a preschooler. That's probably at the root of the problem I'm guessing. If that's where she wants a change, I'm certainly willing to accomodate, but she's going to have to make herself more available. I think knowing that causes her stress as well.

It's not like I use smoking to avoid her. I only smoke at times that don't interfere with any of our time together. For instance, I'll light up and have a beer while she's shopping and I'm staying home doing yard work after I'm done.

[cinda]

When she out shopping or out doing work on her free time for the house, you better be stepping it up not relaxing drinking beer and smoking cigars! I work 40 hours a week. Hubby's retired. On sat if I go grocery shopping and I come home to him watching the baseball game and he has not empty the garbage or cleaned the old food out of the frig. I am a bitch. "Dam on my free time which is not much I buying groceries and your sitting around having fun?" I could do a 40 min rant on what is wrong with the house and him if he seems like he's having fun and I am not. Most times he's like I did know you were shopping etc etc. I just do not want to feel like I have another 40 hour a week job at home. If I was you I take on some responsibilities out side the house doing errands or social things that need to be done and smoke while your out helping her. It may help to have smoking the cigar paired with helping out.

[Kenyth]

When she out shopping or out doing work on her free time for the house, you better be stepping it up not relaxing drinking beer and smoking cigars! I work 40 hours a week. Hubby's retired. On sat if I go grocery shopping and I come home to him watching the baseball game and he has not empty the garbage or cleaned the old food out of the frig. I am a bitch. "Dam on my free time which is not much I buying groceries and your sitting around having fun?" I could do a 40 min rant on what is wrong with the house and him if he seems like he's having fun and I am not. Most times he's like I did know you were shopping etc etc. I just do not want to feel like I have another 40 hour a week job at home. If I was you I take on some responsibilities out side the house doing errands or social things that need to be done and smoke while your out helping her. It may help to have smoking the cigar paired with helping out.

I understand your point, but you missed some of the details. We do most social things together. She would prefer not to be within 100 feet of me while smoking a cigar. Smoking in the house is a big no-no. Always has been for both of us. Both of us work full-time. My job is a bit more demanding, but her job pays more. She recently landed a VERY good job and I'm very proud of her.

Push mowing and trimming a 13000 foot property is not a good time by anyone's standards, and it needs it twice a week. The roses and weeping cherry tree need spraying twice a week. The bushes need trimming and beds need weeding once a week. The lawn and beds need edging and fertilizing once or twice a month (We just hired Trugreen to fertilize for us). All in all, it's about six hours of hard work a week just to maintain. When I'm done after about two hours of sweaty manual labor and she's still out shopping and/or visiting with mom, I will have cold drinks and smoke a cigar. I will not feel one bit bad about it either.

I help around the house as well. I do all the heavy lifting and ocaasional heavy jobs like carpet cleaning. I empty the dishwasher, take out trash, pick up the living room where the kid daily spreads toys around like confetti. I bathe him and get him ready for bed every night. I take him to swim classes half the time. We also have cleaning girls hired to do the heavy and detailed house work every two weeks. She takes care of more housework than me (laundry is a big one), but the summer yardwork more than balances things out IMO. I've more than once offerred to trade responsibilities if she felt things were unfair. She did the push mowing all of one time. It did wonders for her perspective. It doesn't take as long as laundry, but it's much much harder work.

I aint perfect, but I don't want you thinking I'm a lazy slob either.

[bigwhiteash]

Sounds like you have every right to put the foot down in a tactful sort of way. One or two a week smoked outside is in no way detrimental to your health. In fact, it's probably beneficial if you can do it without worrying about the wife nagging you every time you light up.

If it's the smell.. maybe change your shirt before you come in the house if possible, brush your teeth directly. Try to find a remote corner of the property where you can relax, and designate it as the smoking area. If she enters that area, it's at her own risk. Relationships are all about compromise, and it sounds like she needs to be reminded of that. Is there a chance she's resentful that you have a relaxing hobby and she does not?

[derivation]

My wife used to gripe about my cigar smoking before, mostly for health and financial reasons. It sounds like this is different from your wife, but here's a few things that have helped us (me).

The biggest has been her seeing my friends and family who smoke. We once went to a weekend family getaway and she saw my grandfather, and two uncles smoke several cigars a day. That made her put my couple times a week 'hobby' in perspective. It also helped for her to see how my friends enjoyed it when I'd pass out cigars and smoke with friends at a get together. She also appreciated the bonds it creates over the board here, how we trade, bomb, participate in contests, recommend cigars, etc.

She also didn't mind it as much after she smoked a cigar. She hated the cigar, but kind of understood while I like it and how it's relaxing. I talked about how cigars are made, the pride people take in making them, and all the different factors and complexity that go into a single cigar. Really how making a cigar is an artform, and when you smoke a great cigar you are enjoying someone else's pride and work. This may be harder for you to do, since it sounds like your wife is already pretty opposed to the smell of cigars. I went with the asking a bunch of times and telling her once she did it I wouldn't bother her again.

Good luck.

[islcigar]

Marriage is the great compromise! My wife does not love the smell either .......but its our business. Good Luck.

[Kenyth]

Eh, you know I'm not really looking for easy answers here so much as comparing situations and listening to advice/criticism. Every couple starts off with two spheres of personal traits. That includes hobbies, interests, priorities, goals, etc. The spheres overlap to some degree and change over time, but there's always going to be some stuff in one persons sphere completely outside the others. That's where respect, acceptance, tolerance, and compromise come in. For some it's easy, for others, it's an ongoing battle. For an unlucky few, they can be deal-breakers.

[cinda]

I understand your point, but you missed some of the details. We do most social things together. She would prefer not to be within 100 feet of me while smoking a cigar. Smoking in the house is a big no-no. Always has been for both of us. Both of us work full-time. My job is a bit more demanding, but her job pays more. She recently landed a VERY good job and I'm very proud of her.

Push mowing and trimming a 13000 foot property is not a good time by anyone's standards, and it needs it twice a week. The roses and weeping cherry tree need spraying twice a week. The bushes need trimming and beds need weeding once a week. The lawn and beds need edging and fertilizing once or twice a month (We just hired Trugreen to fertilize for us). All in all, it's about six hours of hard work a week just to maintain. When I'm done after about two hours of sweaty manual labor and she's still out shopping and/or visiting with mom, I will have cold drinks and smoke a cigar. I will not feel one bit bad about it either.

I help around the house as well. I do all the heavy lifting and occasional heavy jobs like carpet cleaning. I empty the dishwasher, take out trash, pick up the living room where the kid daily spreads toys around like confetti. I bathe him and get him ready for bed every night. I take him to swim classes half the time. We also have cleaning girls hired to do the heavy and detailed house work every two weeks. She takes care of more housework than me (laundry is a big one), but the summer yard work more than balances things out IMO. I've more than once offered to trade responsibilities if she felt things were unfair. She did the push mowing all of one time. It did wonders for her perspective. It doesn't take as long as laundry, but it's much much harder work.

I ain't perfect, but I don't want you thinking I'm a lazy slob either.

Twice a week? Your out of your mind. Does she feel the yard is as important as your do? Anyhow sounds like you do your share I mean the yard is a full time second job. I give you credit after 27 years I still can't get him to be up his dirty underwear where ever he decides to leave them and he's home all day at this time in his life!

[Kenyth]

Twice a week? Your out of your mind. Does she feel the yard is as important as your do? Anyhow sounds like you do your share I mean the yard is a full time second job. I give you credit after 27 years I still can't get him to be up his dirty underwear where ever he decides to leave them and he's home all day at this time in his life!

If I waited a full week in summer I'd probably never get the mower through it unless I bagged the grass, and that would be a LOT of bags. It's well watered, well fertilized, dark green, full sun, and grows extremely fast. Yes, now that she's used to a nice lawn, she want's it to look as good as the neighbors. A riding mower would help a lot. We're working on it.

[ashauler]

My wife and I have been together for 17 years. I used to smoke ciggarettes, 2 packs a day, which my wife really disliked......but she accepted that because she loved me. Did she nag me about it? Hell yes!! Did it cause me to quit......nope, and it really didn't cause any "huge" fights or nights on the couch. When I dropped the cigs and picked up the cigars......she was a-o.k. with that. I smoke only outside now, but I smoke one whenever I want to.

Much as you do Ken, I am responsible for all the outside maintenance, and my wife does the inside. Now, that being said, we also help each other with these tasks.........she cooks, I do the dishes........if I'm raking up leaves and she's not doing anything, she'll help me bag 'em up, etc..etc. Does she care if I'm smokin' a yard gar while I'm raking leaves? Not at all. Does she care if I take a break during my duties and smoke a cigar and have a beer? Nope. She knows it will get done, just maybe not on HER time-table.

Does she get pissed when I blast the shit out of the AMEX on cigar purchases? Hell yes she does......and she is within her rights to do so IF I have overstepped my agreed upon bounds. As others have said, compromise and respect are what it is all about. If those basic principles are followed, the normal changes that happen within every person and every relationship over time can be dealt with.......without it, the walls can become too high to scale. Open lines of open, honest, unrestrained communication will either promote the compromise and respect thing.............or not.

[cigarsarge]

My wife does not gripe about my smoking unless I smoke way too much. I cut back on my smoking to about two-three a week last year due to her concerns.

You have to weigh out your options if things get really serious. I'd not lose my wife over cigars.