I've been checking my list and had to stop to go and wipe the tears from my eyes when I got to your name, Man oh Man have you been bad. That might work for you and the family, but for Santa, that isn'r gonna fly.

I was working up my list, but I notice that I am fresh out of bags, so I don't know what to put your elephant crap in to ship it. I know for sure the one thing I have going out to you is a sizable gift certificate to Ryan's Steakhouse.

I see that you are quite the poet when it comes to cigar selection, but I think my selection of dog rockets might change your mind.