Annual Christmas Writing Contest

[Mangyrat]

Priceless

[ashauler]

bumpity....bump....bump

[badwhale]

Every Newb
Down in Newb-ville
Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Badwhale,
Who lived just North of Newb-ville (in bitterville),
Did NOT!

The Badwhale hated Christmas! The Newblet Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his cigar tubes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his tubes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Newbs,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Badwhaley frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Newb down in Newb-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a Kuba Kuba wreath.

"And they're seasoning their humis!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his badwhale fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Newb girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush and they’d toke!
And then! Oh, the smoke! Oh, the smoke! Smoke! Smoke! Smoke!
That's one thing he hated! The SMOKE! SMOKE! SMOKE! SMOKE!

Then the Newbs, young and old, would sit down to a herf.
And they'd herf! And they'd herf!
And they'd HERF! HERF! HERF! HERF!
They would start on Newb-RPs, and rare Newb-Gurkha-beast
Which was something the Badwhale couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Newb down in Newb-ville, the tall and the small,
Would sit close together, with smart phones multitasking.
They'd stand droid-in-hand. And the Newbs would start asking!

They'd ask! And they'd ask!
AND they'd ASK! ASK! ASK! ASK!
And the more the Badwhale thought of the Newb-Christmas-Queries
The more the Badwhale thought, "I must shove it back up their newblet chimneys!
"Why for three plus years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE BADWHALE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Badwhale Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Badwhaley trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a reindeer..."
The Badwhale looked around.
But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Badwhale...?
No! The Badwhale simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called Ash’s dog Stanley. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old sacks quite dandy
On a ramshackle minivan
And he hitched up old Stanley.

Then the Badwhale said, "Giddyap!"
And the minivan started down
Toward the homes where the Newbs
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Newbs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Badwhaley Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tough sell.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the Badwhale.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Newb humis all sat in a row.
"These humis," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the Newblet room, and he took every present!
Xikars! And Palios! Anejos! Padrons!
humidors! lighters! VSGs! And Spanish Galleons!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Badwhale, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the icebox. All their suspect ISOMs he fleeced!
He took the Newb-humi beads! He took the Gurkha Beast!
He cleaned out that icebox quick without cheer.
Why, that Badwhale even chugged down their last can of Newb-beer!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Badwhale, "I will stuff up the tree!"

And the Badwhale grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Newb!
Little runningdeer19us Newb, Newb was not more than twenty two.

The Badwhale had been caught by this little Newb whiner
Newb got out of bed upset about his internet shiner.
He stared at the Badwhale and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our new humidors? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Badwhale was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a seal on this humi that sucks balls on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the newblet. Then he patted his head
And he got him some KY and he sent him to bed.
And when runningbutthurt Newb went to bed with his lube,
HE went and finished thinking “God, what a boob”!

Then the last thing he took
Was the meth lighter for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old (devilishly handsome) liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.

And the one speck of tobacco
The he left in the house
Was a leaf from mrtr33s crop that was even too small for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Newbs' houses

Leaving leaves
Much too small
For the other Newbs' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Newbs, still a-bed
All the Newbs, in their clan
When he packed up his van,
Packed it up with their humis! The beads! The macanudos!
The punches! And the RPs! The Victor Sinclairs! The A.C. Peterson Escudo!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Judith Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Newbs!" he was badwhale-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that BOHICA is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Newbs down in Newb-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Badwhale,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Badwhale put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Newb-ville!
The Badwhale popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Newb down in Newb-ville, the tall and the small,
Was smoking! Without any stogies at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Badwhale, with his badwhale-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without Macanudos! It came without swag!
"It came without Gurkhas, Angry Elfs or bead bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Badwhale thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Newb-ville they say
That the Badwhale's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the smokes! And answered their questions, at least!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Badwhale lit up the Gurkha beast!

[Paddy]

Very nice!

[ashauler]

Right on!!

[ashauler]

Still some time to get your entries in!!

[ashauler]

Poll is up, get your votes in.

Thanks to buzz/mrtr33/badwhale for submitting entries.