Hefty, you SOB! My elves have been watching you. They went out with strict orders to find out all the shitty things you did this year. You bastard! They couldn't find anything except how you use your computer when you aren't on this forum. And I can't hold that against you because ol' Santa understands the need for that kind of "entertainment." Unfortunately, Santa used up all of the clorox based computer screen cleaner, so I can't send you what you really need.

So what am I gonna do with all this reindeer shit now? I had it all boxed up and ready to go and those little fuckers start screaming "SANTA! NO! NO! NO! You can't do that! He's one of the good guys!" How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy the season? I sit here on my fat ass all year long thinking of ways to fuck up Christmas for all of you little whiners. Then I get some asshole like you that does everything right and the elves start a protest when I get your crap together. Jesus Christ, man! I've been feeding those reindeer burritos for the last month!

Just so you know what you missed, there were 5 pounds of smokes that I had the elves buy from darren_r wrapped in wet reindeer shit. (He's got quite a little business going as I understand it. He sells swisher sweets out of the trunk of his car to underaged teenage girls. Once he gets them hooked he sells them as sex slaves. Santa's gonna be screaming Ho Ho Ho a lot this year! That boy is gonna go far.) I had a whole bunch of Barry Manilow vinyl and a Brittany Spears scratch 'n sniff poster. But you had to turn out to be a fuckin' goody two shoes! Thanks a bunch!

So ol' Santa's got no choice but to reward you for being good. Your Christmas package will be going out tomorrow. Don't put me through this shit again next year. Get a fuckin' life! Old Santa deserves to have fun too.

HO HO HO! - HO HO HO! - HO HO HO! - OH BOY! - OH BOY! - HO HO HO! - HO HO HO! - HO HO HO! - HO HO HO! - EASY NOW, EASY! - WHO'S YOUR DADDY HO HO HO? - OH YEAH BABY! - OH YEAHHHHHHH!!!! - VIXEN... GET THE CLOROX!!!!