Wife is really griping about smoking.

[Bkcloud114]

Good post Sean... you can tell which of the guys here are married:

My wife doesn't like that I do it, but she knows I'm not going to stop. She'll occasionally remind me of health implications, but I don't really care about those, I know about those. The only implications I care about are cigar today=no sex tonight.

Tell her that you're not going to stop and that though you appreciate her concern (if it's health orientated complaining) explain that you know full well the risks.

Now, if your smoking was done for the sake of escaping her and/or intimacy with her and increased a lot, then she may see it as you trying to distance yourself from her. In that case (that's not cool on your part, and I doubt this is why you did it consciously or sub-consciously), do what you've done, i.e. just decrease your intake.

But, if it's none of that and it's really just a health thing, tell her you love her and understand her concerns, but to pick her battles. Maybe you'll eat healthier if she cuts back on the complaining.

And which ones are not (or soon not to be):

Just tell her that the only reason you smoke is because it's your escape from her complaining. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe if she stops ... you'll stop.



Maybe.

Best thing you could do is sit down with her and try and find out what is really bothering her. One cigar a week shouldn't be causing that much complaining. She might be pissed off about something else. One of the things that I have figured out is that the complaining about one thing usually has nothing to do with what is really bothering them. Find out what is is she really doesn't like about it.

One rule I live by:

HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE

PS.... I know I haven't posted in a while. Good to be back... Smoking a Punch Rare Corojo while catching up on the BBs

[Diesel Grinch]

Good post Sean... you can tell which of the guys here are married:



And which ones are not (or soon not to be):



Best thing you could do is sit down with her and try and find out what is really bothering her. One cigar a week shouldn't be causing that much complaining. She might be pissed off about something else. One of the things that I have figured out is that the complaining about one thing usually has nothing to do with what is really bothering them. Find out what is is she really doesn't like about it.

One rule I live by:

HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE

PS.... I know I haven't posted in a while. Good to be back... Smoking a Punch Rare Corojo while catching up on the BBs

Who are you again?


As others have said sit down and have a long talk.


DG

[Mizicke5273]

Also if you smoked cigars before getting married, I would ask myself why is this coming up now. Why is it getting worse? What is the reason? If you did, maybe she thought going in she could change you, but now seeing that she cant, she is gripping more trying harder to get you to quite.

Now I dont know anything about your situation, just throwing this out there, so if its completely off, then disregard it.

But the best advice I can give, seeing as Im not married, is to communicate. Communication is the basis of all relationships. If there is no communication, it is not a healthy relationship.
Ask her why she is complaining more and why she dislikes it to begin with. Then tell her why you enjoy it so much. Everything begins from here.

[Kenyth]

Primarily, the smell is her complaint, and she doesn't find it attractive at all. I started with cigars while she was still smoking cigarrettes. I was a very light smoker and found cigs completely boring. I found the occasional cigar to be much more to my liking. She has since quit smoking, and tolerance has gone downhill since.

We are very busy and lacking intimacy lately, but that's more her fault than mine. She makes 90% of the social and activities schedule. She also wants intimacy to be under somewhat perfect conditions, and that just doesn't happen in real life with a preschooler. That's probably at the root of the problem I'm guessing. If that's where she wants a change, I'm certainly willing to accomodate, but she's going to have to make herself more available. I think knowing that causes her stress as well.

It's not like I use smoking to avoid her. I only smoke at times that don't interfere with any of our time together. For instance, I'll light up and have a beer while she's shopping and I'm staying home doing yard work after I'm done.

[cinda]

When she out shopping or out doing work on her free time for the house, you better be stepping it up not relaxing drinking beer and smoking cigars! I work 40 hours a week. Hubby's retired. On sat if I go grocery shopping and I come home to him watching the baseball game and he has not empty the garbage or cleaned the old food out of the frig. I am a bitch. "Dam on my free time which is not much I buying groceries and your sitting around having fun?" I could do a 40 min rant on what is wrong with the house and him if he seems like he's having fun and I am not. Most times he's like I did know you were shopping etc etc. I just do not want to feel like I have another 40 hour a week job at home. If I was you I take on some responsibilities out side the house doing errands or social things that need to be done and smoke while your out helping her. It may help to have smoking the cigar paired with helping out.

[Kenyth]

When she out shopping or out doing work on her free time for the house, you better be stepping it up not relaxing drinking beer and smoking cigars! I work 40 hours a week. Hubby's retired. On sat if I go grocery shopping and I come home to him watching the baseball game and he has not empty the garbage or cleaned the old food out of the frig. I am a bitch. "Dam on my free time which is not much I buying groceries and your sitting around having fun?" I could do a 40 min rant on what is wrong with the house and him if he seems like he's having fun and I am not. Most times he's like I did know you were shopping etc etc. I just do not want to feel like I have another 40 hour a week job at home. If I was you I take on some responsibilities out side the house doing errands or social things that need to be done and smoke while your out helping her. It may help to have smoking the cigar paired with helping out.

I understand your point, but you missed some of the details. We do most social things together. She would prefer not to be within 100 feet of me while smoking a cigar. Smoking in the house is a big no-no. Always has been for both of us. Both of us work full-time. My job is a bit more demanding, but her job pays more. She recently landed a VERY good job and I'm very proud of her.

Push mowing and trimming a 13000 foot property is not a good time by anyone's standards, and it needs it twice a week. The roses and weeping cherry tree need spraying twice a week. The bushes need trimming and beds need weeding once a week. The lawn and beds need edging and fertilizing once or twice a month (We just hired Trugreen to fertilize for us). All in all, it's about six hours of hard work a week just to maintain. When I'm done after about two hours of sweaty manual labor and she's still out shopping and/or visiting with mom, I will have cold drinks and smoke a cigar. I will not feel one bit bad about it either.

I help around the house as well. I do all the heavy lifting and ocaasional heavy jobs like carpet cleaning. I empty the dishwasher, take out trash, pick up the living room where the kid daily spreads toys around like confetti. I bathe him and get him ready for bed every night. I take him to swim classes half the time. We also have cleaning girls hired to do the heavy and detailed house work every two weeks. She takes care of more housework than me (laundry is a big one), but the summer yardwork more than balances things out IMO. I've more than once offerred to trade responsibilities if she felt things were unfair. She did the push mowing all of one time. It did wonders for her perspective. It doesn't take as long as laundry, but it's much much harder work.

I aint perfect, but I don't want you thinking I'm a lazy slob either.

[bigwhiteash]

Sounds like you have every right to put the foot down in a tactful sort of way. One or two a week smoked outside is in no way detrimental to your health. In fact, it's probably beneficial if you can do it without worrying about the wife nagging you every time you light up.

If it's the smell.. maybe change your shirt before you come in the house if possible, brush your teeth directly. Try to find a remote corner of the property where you can relax, and designate it as the smoking area. If she enters that area, it's at her own risk. Relationships are all about compromise, and it sounds like she needs to be reminded of that. Is there a chance she's resentful that you have a relaxing hobby and she does not?

[cinda]

I understand your point, but you missed some of the details. We do most social things together. She would prefer not to be within 100 feet of me while smoking a cigar. Smoking in the house is a big no-no. Always has been for both of us. Both of us work full-time. My job is a bit more demanding, but her job pays more. She recently landed a VERY good job and I'm very proud of her.

Push mowing and trimming a 13000 foot property is not a good time by anyone's standards, and it needs it twice a week. The roses and weeping cherry tree need spraying twice a week. The bushes need trimming and beds need weeding once a week. The lawn and beds need edging and fertilizing once or twice a month (We just hired Trugreen to fertilize for us). All in all, it's about six hours of hard work a week just to maintain. When I'm done after about two hours of sweaty manual labor and she's still out shopping and/or visiting with mom, I will have cold drinks and smoke a cigar. I will not feel one bit bad about it either.

I help around the house as well. I do all the heavy lifting and occasional heavy jobs like carpet cleaning. I empty the dishwasher, take out trash, pick up the living room where the kid daily spreads toys around like confetti. I bathe him and get him ready for bed every night. I take him to swim classes half the time. We also have cleaning girls hired to do the heavy and detailed house work every two weeks. She takes care of more housework than me (laundry is a big one), but the summer yard work more than balances things out IMO. I've more than once offered to trade responsibilities if she felt things were unfair. She did the push mowing all of one time. It did wonders for her perspective. It doesn't take as long as laundry, but it's much much harder work.

I ain't perfect, but I don't want you thinking I'm a lazy slob either.

Twice a week? Your out of your mind. Does she feel the yard is as important as your do? Anyhow sounds like you do your share I mean the yard is a full time second job. I give you credit after 27 years I still can't get him to be up his dirty underwear where ever he decides to leave them and he's home all day at this time in his life!

[chefchris]

But the best advice I can give, seeing as Im not married, is to communicate. Communication is the basis of all relationships. If there is no communication, it is not a healthy relationship.
Ask her why she is complaining more and why she dislikes it to begin with. Then tell her why you enjoy it so much. Everything begins from here.

Careful there, we don't know what we're talking about since we've never been in a committed relationship.

[SmokinDVM]

Having been married for going on 27 years, from your posts so far it seems to be more involved than just smoking an occasional cigar.
Women, not all but a large percentage of them, have a nasty habit of stewing on problems for a long time. They get pissy about all kinds of other trivial things while avoiding the one that really bothers them. You need to make sure that there's nothing else brewing under the surface.

Another thing, NEVER let the "intimacy" thing lapse. Even if it's usually her that causes the time conflicts, she'll blame you for the lack.

When our kids were young, my wife and I both had VERY busy schedules. I went to college full time and picked up any odd jobs I could in any free time, and my wife worked 2 full time jobs. It really played havoc on our marriage for a few years. Fortunately we were able to remain stubborn enough to work through all the crap.

[mrtr33]

Wow.

Having recently been married, I am frantically writing notes down as I read them. My wife and her father introduced me to cigars, so I am kind of not in this boat.

But I do agree that if this was something present before the marriage, than there is probably something she isn't talking about. Bring her some flowers, do some unexpected chores around the house to give her some free time, and sit her down and talk about it.

[Mizicke5273]

Careful there, we don't know what we're talking about since we've never been in a committed relationship.

True. But communication is still very important. Although I do agree it could also worsen things depending on how it goes.

[DeeDubya]

True. But communication is still very important. Although I do agree it could also worsen things depending on how it goes.

That's right. My first wife tried to communicate telepathically. She would just stare at me like I new WTF she was thinking. Strangely sometimes I did.

My second wife would communicate me into a semi-coma, where I thought I was listening but not really. You know what I mean?

Now I have a pretty good relationship, still a little one-sided, but when you take a big puff on a cigar it gives you a few seconds to collect your thoughts, puff out the smoke and then slowly answer like you really put some thought into it.