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Thread: Riots in France

  1. #41
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    - Gallic Wars
    - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    -Norse invasions, 841-911.
    -After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

    - Hundred Years War
    - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

    - Italian Wars
    - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion
    - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War
    - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Revolution
    - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War
    - Tied


    -Seven year War 1756-1763
    -Lost, after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
    - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession
    - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution
    - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution
    - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    -Haiti
    -French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

    -Barbary Wars
    -Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). America's first overseas victories, won 1801-1815

    - The Napoleonic Wars
    - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    -Mexico, -France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

    - The Franco-Prussian War
    - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I
    - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    - World War II
    - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina
    - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion
    - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism
    - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

  2. Default

    whilst I applaud the sentiment, I feel I must point out, before you start short stroking over the first world war, it actually started in 1914. Some people might take the opinion that to claim ALL the credit for winning a war, one must be in it for more than just the victory marches.
    And believe it or not, the second world war started just a few weeks before the USA saved everybody yet again.
    That said I recognise the contribution of Johnson and Johnson in keeping the gene pool of my country pure and untainted.
    Wouldn't want you common lot mixing with our pure English/Norman/Celtic/Saxon/Angle/Scot/Pict/Roman blood line, would we?
    ps don't forget the bloke named after a simpsons character , who kicked the shit out of their navy.
    steel true, blade straight....Headstone of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by watty
    That said I recognise the contribution of Johnson and Johnson in keeping the gene pool of my country pure and untainted.
    Wouldn't want you common lot mixing with our pure English/Norman/Celtic/Saxon/Angle/Scot/Pict/Roman blood line, would we?
    Hmm?

  4. #44

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Krautle87
    - Gallic Wars
    - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    -Norse invasions, 841-911.
    -After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

    - Hundred Years War
    - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

    - Italian Wars
    - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion
    - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War
    - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Revolution
    - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War
    - Tied


    -Seven year War 1756-1763
    -Lost, after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
    - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession
    - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution
    - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution
    - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    -Haiti
    -French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

    -Barbary Wars
    -Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). America's first overseas victories, won 1801-1815

    - The Napoleonic Wars
    - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    -Mexico, -France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

    - The Franco-Prussian War
    - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I
    - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    - World War II
    - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina
    - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion
    - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism
    - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    Excellent sum up of history there!!!
    There's only two kinds of cigars, the kind you like and the kind you don't.

  5. Default

    A superb summary indeed. Well researched, objective, factual and unbiased.

    Well done!
    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
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    Posts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cohibanut
    A superb summary indeed. Well researched, objective, factual and unbiased.

    Well done!
    To be honest, I thought it was a bit biased and unobjective, but thank you none the less.

  7. Default

    2 entries found for sarcasm.
    sar·casm ( P ) Pronunciation Key (särkzm)
    n.
    A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
    A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
    The use of sarcasm. See Synonyms at wit1.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [Late Latin sarcasmus, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein, to bite the lips in rage, from sarx, sark-, flesh.]

    [Download Now or Buy the Book]
    Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
    Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
    Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.


    sarcasm

    n : witty language used to convey insults or scorn; "he used sarcasm to upset his opponent"; "irony is wasted on the stupid"; "Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own"--Johathan Swift [syn: irony, satire, caustic remark]


    Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  8. #48
    reaganyouth84 Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Krautle87

    - French Revolution
    - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
    LMAO!!!

    -Mike

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