Humor Contest

[Lopaka]

OK, LAUGH YOU BASTARDS, LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH HHh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

















BTW, I don't want the Cigars...

[indy]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice:
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and
peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

[slcraiders]

World's Thinnest Books

~~@~~

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by

Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by

Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS

by

Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE

by

John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS

by

Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by

Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by

Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS

by

Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by

Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
B y Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by

Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

by

the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by

O. J. Simpson

Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One

Thinnest Book

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by

Bill Clinton
with introduction

by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

[Newfie]

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy. 11, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi,
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" The trucker
ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window,
and as she lowers it, he says,"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA,
and I'm driving the fucking Salt Truck.

[Newfie]

The Ant and the Grasshopper Story (happens all the time in Canada)

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

continue on!


THE CANADIAN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

(So far, so good, eh?)

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper,with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.


The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

THE END

[Newfie]

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Sympatico help desk,and part time with " Canada Customs and Revenue "

[brian]