Humor Contest

[Newfie]

The Ant and the Grasshopper Story (happens all the time in Canada)

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

continue on!


THE CANADIAN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

(So far, so good, eh?)

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper,with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.


The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

THE END

[Newfie]

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Sympatico help desk,and part time with " Canada Customs and Revenue "

[brian]

[MCsommerreid]

Pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

The bartender asks "Hey, what's with the wheel?"

The pirate responds "Arr, it be drivin me nuts."

****

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'd like a beer and...................................Some pretzels."

Bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

****

Guy breaks into a bar and stars ransaking the cash register when he hears a voice behind him say "God is watching". Looking around he doesn't see anyone so he keeps emptying the cash register, when he hears again "God is watching". Looking right behind him he sees a cage with a parrot.

He asks the parrot "What's your name?"

The parrot responds "John the Babtist".

The theif says "Who the hell names a parrot 'John the Babtist'"

Parrot says "The same guy who named the Rotwhiler 'God'".

****

Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender "Give me a beer!"

Bartender says "Sorry, we don't server bears here"

So the bear turns around, spots the tallest fattest women he ever saw sitting at the bar and ate her. Then he turned to the bartender and said "Now, give me a damn beer!"

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve people on drugs here."

The bear says "What?! I'm not on drugs"

Bartender says "Yes you are, that was a big bar bitch you ate".

****

Two ropes walk into a bar and say "Wed both like a beer"

Bartender says "Hey! Get out of here. We don't server ropes!"

So the ropes leave, and then one gets an idea. He musses up his hair and ties himself around the other one. They go into the bar again and say "We'd both like a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! Didn't I tell you we don't serve ropes?"

The ropes say "Nope, we're afraid not".

[MCsommerreid]

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?

The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

****

Did you know OJ Simpsons was American Indian?

His was a member of the Stabahoe tribe.

****

An old couple went in to the doctors office. The doctor came in and said to the man, "Ok, I need to perform some tests. I'll need a stool, urine, and semen sample."

The old man being hard of hearing leans foward and says "Eh??"

So the doctor repeats himself.

The old man again says "Eh??"

So the old mans wife says "Give the doctor your god damn underwear!"

****

A man walks into a doctors office and after some tests are run looks at the doctors face and says "Ok, give me the bad news last".

The doctor says "You have AIDS."

The paitient says "Oh my god! What could be worse than that?"

The doctor says "And you have alzheimers"

The patient says "Thats terrible...but atleast I don't have AIDS."

[toasty]

A man had just broken out of Huntsville State Prison after serving 10 years for a series of rapes. He managed to pick up a shotgun and an old work van. He tried keeping a low profile, and hid in the van parked outside of an apartment building. As the night went on, he saw more and more young women passing by, each one looking better and better. Then, the hottest, bustiest, curviest woman you would ever see walked by and his old instincts took the better of him. He jumped out of the back of the van and threw her inside. He told her, "As long as you do everything I say, I'll let you live. First take off your shirt." She did, without too much of a fuss. "Allright, now take off your bra." She began to argue and he loaded a round in the chamber. Quickly she changed her mind and unleashed the nicest, perkiest breasts in the world. Getting more and more worked up the man told her, "Take off your skirt and panties now!" She cried and began pleading for him to not do this, and she just wanted to go home. He pointed the shotgun at her head, then she complied. When he looked down, it was the most disgusting sight. She had an infestation of maggots, crabs, some scabs and a strange yellow slime that was dripping freely. The man, very disturbed at the sight, began vomiting profusely and violently when he dropped the gun. The woman, quick to react, snatched it quickly and pointed it at the man's head. Calmly, she looked him in the eye and said, "Eat me."

[Shelby07]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[Shelby07]

Three guys on a hunting trip were sitting around a campfire talking about the worst pain they had ever experienced.

The first guy says "Well, when I was in 'Nam we drove over a land mine. Damn shrapnel blew right through the bottom of the jeep. I still got this here limp."

The second guy says "Well, I was workin' on the pick-up over there and I got these here two fingers stuck between the fan belt and the pully. Ripped 'em clean off."

The third guy just reflected a bit. After a while he said, "Well, the last huntin' trip I was on I was walkin' through the woods over there and had to take a shit real bad. So I found me a big ol' log and sat down on it." He paused a bit, then continued. "Turns out somebody but a big ol' bear trap right next to the log, and when I sat down my balls hung down and sprung the trap." The other guys just sat there looking at him in amazement as he sat quietly next to the campfire. Finally one of the guys said, "Man. that sounds horrible. I'm gettin' sick just thinkin' 'bout it." The fella replied, "Well it sure was painful all right, but I'll tell you what... when I hit the end of that chain..."

[Shelby07]

A blonde walked into the emergency room with a gunshot wound in the palm of her hand. As the young doctor was treating her, he asked her what happened.

"Oh" she said, "I just got so tired of people thinking I'm stupid just because I'm a blonde, I decided to end it all."

The doctor said, "So, let me get this straight. You shot yourself in the hand trying to kill yourself?" The blonde replied "Yes."

The doctor paused a bit, then said, "M'am, You do know that you can't kill yourself by shooting yourself in the palm of your hand, don't you?"

"Of course, silly!" she replied. "I took the gun and put the barrel into my left ear." She took her left hand and stuck her index finger in her left ear as she mimmicked pitting a gun to her head. "Then at the last minute" she said as he covered her right ear with the palm of her right hand, "I thought... This is gonna be loud."