A woman walks into a pet store and says to the owner "Hi, I'd like to buy a parrot".

The owner says "Well, all I got is this one parrot left, but he has a very foul mouth."

Perfectly timed the parrot responds with "Damn right mother fucker".

The old woman doesn't even bat an eye and says "I'll straighten the bird out. I'll take him"

So she goes home and sets the bird cage up and says to the bird "Now, I don't want to hear another bad word out of your mouth.

The bird, being particularly surley, says "Fuck you, bitch".

The woman takes the bird and puts it in the fridge for 10 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Now, the next time you swear I'll put you in for 20 minutes".

The parrot says "Go to hell an die, you old cock sucking whore".

So the old lady puts the bird in the fridge for 20 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Next time it's into the freezer with you."

The bird says "FUCK YOU!!"

So into the freezer the bird goes. Now the parrot is feeling cold and board and looks around and sees a frozen dinner chicken sitting next to it and says "Jesus H Christ!! What did you say to her?!"

****

Man walks into a bar (as men are wont to do) and goes to the bar and asks for a beer. He looks up and sees the most beautiful nativity scene he has seen in his life.

So he calls over the bartender and says "You know, that's a beautiful nativity scene, but there's one problem...why are the three wise men wearing firemens hats?"

The bartender says in an extreme southern drawl "Well, you all know that the three wise men came from a fire".