about the apology or what not . . . i was serious when i said i needed more time. i have been doing a lot of soul searching and have been in deep thought as to my actions on the board and overall socially. i feel the guys on the board deserve a heartfelt and truthful apology. i am not going to apologize to get "back in" because i dont want back in. and i dont mean that in a derogatory way, i simply do not feel that some of the comments made in response to mine however incorrect and out of bounds they may have been were unecessary(sp?). i want you all to know that in my time to think i have come to realize that i was dead wrong to do what i did. do i apologize for saying what i said? no, i unfortunately can not be untrue to myself no matter how horrible a person i may be or how horrible my opinions might be. i do agree that i need to do some reflecting on my thoughts and beliefs. i want you all to know this is no excuse for what i did or think but an explanation of what is going through my mind. many of you jump to call me names and what not, thats fine . . . i dont care about how you handle things in your personal life, others want to jump on the band wagon in fear of getting tossed out . . . fine. i dont care. however, i do/did care about the board and appreciated it. i AM sorry that i ruined things for myself. and you need to know that, and that i take full responsability. i blame no one but myself. for the things that have been said about me and the conspiracy like PMing that has gone on behind my back . . . . i can only say . . . i really truly dont care. i could only ask that you have the balls to say things to my face. there are a lot of childish people on here who seem to have that "means girls" clique attitude. thats fine, i prefer to step away from and above that. if i have ever said anything about anyone else in a PM which i have, it was in privacy because i did not want to start a riot between me and that person. not because i was affraid to tell them to their face or in public. simply out of courtesy to the board. and again, i have my opinions and am entitled to them about anyone and anything. if that person wants me to say it in public i have no problem with it but i choose and chose not to make it a big ole fight.
since i sorta already started my apology . . . i want to say i am truly sorry for posting my racist and over the line type comments on the board. yes, the rules didnt state it was a no no but i should have had better judgement. i was having a bad day and was in a i dont give a shit mood. im sorry i did that. im sorry i made that thread about that and me. im so soo soooo sorry i ruined a good thing i had going, and that i made ANYone have to go through this.
i AM going through a troubling time in my life as far as trying to realize who i am and why i am certain ways that i am. i am struggling with racism, i am struggling with a lack of tolerance. and for that i feel horrible as a person. if it make you feel better to know that i suffer from that then i am glad to say it. i DO NOT want anyone to think i am seeking acceptance of what i said or how i feel. i just want you to know i am struggling through something thats very real. i apologize profusely(sp?) for what i said and did. i feel like shit . . . i made a total ass of myself in front of acquaintances that i liked and treasured.
now, there are some of those acquaintances that have acted not so honorably either. i would like to know exactly how i am a "liar and a cheat"?? and what i did on the PIF thread to deserve such attacks not related to the racism thread.
please email me through HEX to explain this to me. i am not being an ass, im asking this because i want to know if i did something that i may not have realized in order to remember it so i can change that manner of acting or speaking. i genuinely ask in humility.
speaking of humility . . . i want you all to know that i ate a huuuge piece of humble pie. i cant say enough how shitty i feel for what i did to the board and to myself(getting banned)
im not gonna go into the whole being not banned, then temp banned then perma banned or whatever . . . i do feel that that was handled a bit unfairly but like someone pointed out, its a private board and hex can do as he wishes. plus, even if i got the chance to apologize there are obviously some people who dont have enough capacity to forgive and forget. i DO believe that is because of something unrelated. it seems there was some sort of vendetta (for lack of a better word) against me behind the scenes for something i was never confronted with which i think was cowardly and pathetic if we are gonna start calling people names-something i did not do first. anyway, bottom line is i dont really care. i feel its ridiculous that a. someone was working behind the scenes to try and "get me"(i have proof, email me if you want it) and b. everyone is following every word/lead of a certain person like lost little puppies that have no mind of their own. . . . whatever he says must be true/right etc.
again, im not calling any people out publicly cause im not looking to start a flame . . . or hell, any other bad blood. but if you can figure it out its because you see it happen, and if you are the person then know who you are obviously . . . please please PLEASE do not misinterpret me(again) to be trying to start something, im not. but again, i am entitled to my opinion.
i think we should just part ways at this point. you have all said your peace, now i have said mine. i will not be returning obviously but i prefer it that way and made that decision long before it was made for me. mostly because i felt as many of you do, that i didnt deserve to be here and that you didnt deserve to have a racist "bigot" as it were, around.
later that grew to be because i didnt want to come back to such an unspportive and quick to judge community as opposed to a place where things can be talked out or people can be counseled by older wiser supposedly more mature people, not only cigars but on other issues as well.
i mean that with no disrespect or hard feelings. i just wanted to get it out there.
i really truly hope people dont spend another 3 or 4 days talking about me and saying things i couldnt possibly respond to. if you have a personal issue with me then by all means email me through hex. but as far as me leaving or being banned, keep it to the facts.
again, i truly and profusely apologize to the board, the members, hex, any black or gay members . . . . i feel horrible for putting my thoughts out there like that when they were sorely uncalled for. please know that i know that.
i am soo soo soo soo sorry for bringing to board to this. i truly loved this board and wanted to be a long time respectable member of it. i obviously have much growing up to do. and i have much time to think to myself about what comes out of my mouth, but most importantly whats in my heart. i AM sorry for being a racist, but right now, its what i am. i made a mistake in thinking i could expect supportive and constructive criticism, not saying that you are at fault. my mistake was a. the way i made it evident that i needed it and b. it was the wrong place completely.
i will always regret messing up a good thing but it seemed inevitable as some people were apparently delighting in having something to get me banned. i honestly dont know why. but mostly, i dont know why they didnt come to me with whatever they had.i dont see how that makes any sense. anyway, that all doesnt matter now. i know some will talk badly about me after this but thats life. all i ask is that we can go our separate ways, that you see that i AM truly sorry and that this doesnt get dragged out into other forums like it has been already. i am conscience of my faults and am working to change them. plus i am sorry for what i did and how i did it. that should be enough for those that want to "ruin me" on other board to keep from trying to do so. i agree i dont deserve to stay seeing as how what i did was not appropriate and the members have the right to not want me here. but please dont burn me at the stake at some other board when i have done nothing over there and have decided to cause no one any harm in any shape or form, including thinking long and hard before i speak and thinking about the board and its members before i say something. i truly appreciate the boards im a member of and if my demise is imminent(sp?) and you are so sure i will crash and burn, let me do it on my own. dont put fuel to the fire when there is no reason to(on that specific board) . . . please.
i havent killed anyone, i havent stolen from anyone( i have paid forward what was paid to me-to troops in afghanistan-email me if you want proof) and i dont think i should be persecuted for something i a. did at another board and is over with and b. shown remorse for, asked for forgiveness and stated that i am trying to change my views . . . not to mention that i am conscience of my wreckless pattern.
please, this should be enough to keep you from doing any unnecessary harm that if you are right and i am the worst person who deserves to be banned from the internet in general . . . i can do on my own, let others decide on THOSE boards. thats all i ask
again, i am truly sorry to all of you, i regret doing what i did and the way i did it. i am sorry to all the black, gay and black gay people on the site. i had no place and didnt think before i said what i did. i might be leaving some stuff out and i apologize for that. please contact me if i need to do more.
sorry and goodbye
Remember to breathe 
Originally Posted by hex1848
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