Humor Contest

[brian]

[MCsommerreid]

Pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

The bartender asks "Hey, what's with the wheel?"

The pirate responds "Arr, it be drivin me nuts."

****

Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'd like a beer and...................................Some pretzels."

Bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

****

Guy breaks into a bar and stars ransaking the cash register when he hears a voice behind him say "God is watching". Looking around he doesn't see anyone so he keeps emptying the cash register, when he hears again "God is watching". Looking right behind him he sees a cage with a parrot.

He asks the parrot "What's your name?"

The parrot responds "John the Babtist".

The theif says "Who the hell names a parrot 'John the Babtist'"

Parrot says "The same guy who named the Rotwhiler 'God'".

****

Bear walks into a bar, says to the bartender "Give me a beer!"

Bartender says "Sorry, we don't server bears here"

So the bear turns around, spots the tallest fattest women he ever saw sitting at the bar and ate her. Then he turned to the bartender and said "Now, give me a damn beer!"

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve people on drugs here."

The bear says "What?! I'm not on drugs"

Bartender says "Yes you are, that was a big bar bitch you ate".

****

Two ropes walk into a bar and say "Wed both like a beer"

Bartender says "Hey! Get out of here. We don't server ropes!"

So the ropes leave, and then one gets an idea. He musses up his hair and ties himself around the other one. They go into the bar again and say "We'd both like a beer".

The bartender says "Hey! Didn't I tell you we don't serve ropes?"

The ropes say "Nope, we're afraid not".

[MCsommerreid]

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?

The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

****

Did you know OJ Simpsons was American Indian?

His was a member of the Stabahoe tribe.

****

An old couple went in to the doctors office. The doctor came in and said to the man, "Ok, I need to perform some tests. I'll need a stool, urine, and semen sample."

The old man being hard of hearing leans foward and says "Eh??"

So the doctor repeats himself.

The old man again says "Eh??"

So the old mans wife says "Give the doctor your god damn underwear!"

****

A man walks into a doctors office and after some tests are run looks at the doctors face and says "Ok, give me the bad news last".

The doctor says "You have AIDS."

The paitient says "Oh my god! What could be worse than that?"

The doctor says "And you have alzheimers"

The patient says "Thats terrible...but atleast I don't have AIDS."

[toasty]

A man had just broken out of Huntsville State Prison after serving 10 years for a series of rapes. He managed to pick up a shotgun and an old work van. He tried keeping a low profile, and hid in the van parked outside of an apartment building. As the night went on, he saw more and more young women passing by, each one looking better and better. Then, the hottest, bustiest, curviest woman you would ever see walked by and his old instincts took the better of him. He jumped out of the back of the van and threw her inside. He told her, "As long as you do everything I say, I'll let you live. First take off your shirt." She did, without too much of a fuss. "Allright, now take off your bra." She began to argue and he loaded a round in the chamber. Quickly she changed her mind and unleashed the nicest, perkiest breasts in the world. Getting more and more worked up the man told her, "Take off your skirt and panties now!" She cried and began pleading for him to not do this, and she just wanted to go home. He pointed the shotgun at her head, then she complied. When he looked down, it was the most disgusting sight. She had an infestation of maggots, crabs, some scabs and a strange yellow slime that was dripping freely. The man, very disturbed at the sight, began vomiting profusely and violently when he dropped the gun. The woman, quick to react, snatched it quickly and pointed it at the man's head. Calmly, she looked him in the eye and said, "Eat me."

[Shelby07]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[Shelby07]

Over near England is a little island near the Isle of Man, and a very perculiar thing about this island is that they don't believe in automobiles, and the climate is such that they can't keep horses, so everyone has a donkey or what is more commonly known as an ass.

Now everyone, as I have said, has an ass. Some people have ordinary asses, asses that you wouldn't look at twice, while other people have extraordinary asses, Take the mayor, for example. Now he has an ass that no one would look at twice, but the mayor's wife has a beautiful ass. People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest asses they have ever seen, and men often stop her as she goes through the marketplace to pat her ass.

On Sunday, everyone rides to church on their asses. Of course, sometimes the boys ride the girl's asses, and sometimes the girls ride the boy's asses. On this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the services and he figured he'd better have his ass handy, so he tied it just outside of the window. During the services a fire broke out and, of course, everyone ran to save their ass. The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a hole there and he fell into the hole instead, which only goes to prove that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

[Desert Rat]

Great work guys,

Contest ends in a few hours, and there is no stand out winner yet. There are some Perdomo's and Astral's in the stash also.

.

[Shelby07]

Three guys on a hunting trip were sitting around a campfire talking about the worst pain they had ever experienced.

The first guy says "Well, when I was in 'Nam we drove over a land mine. Damn shrapnel blew right through the bottom of the jeep. I still got this here limp."

The second guy says "Well, I was workin' on the pick-up over there and I got these here two fingers stuck between the fan belt and the pully. Ripped 'em clean off."

The third guy just reflected a bit. After a while he said, "Well, the last huntin' trip I was on I was walkin' through the woods over there and had to take a shit real bad. So I found me a big ol' log and sat down on it." He paused a bit, then continued. "Turns out somebody but a big ol' bear trap right next to the log, and when I sat down my balls hung down and sprung the trap." The other guys just sat there looking at him in amazement as he sat quietly next to the campfire. Finally one of the guys said, "Man. that sounds horrible. I'm gettin' sick just thinkin' 'bout it." The fella replied, "Well it sure was painful all right, but I'll tell you what... when I hit the end of that chain..."

[Shelby07]

A blonde walked into the emergency room with a gunshot wound in the palm of her hand. As the young doctor was treating her, he asked her what happened.

"Oh" she said, "I just got so tired of people thinking I'm stupid just because I'm a blonde, I decided to end it all."

The doctor said, "So, let me get this straight. You shot yourself in the hand trying to kill yourself?" The blonde replied "Yes."

The doctor paused a bit, then said, "M'am, You do know that you can't kill yourself by shooting yourself in the palm of your hand, don't you?"

"Of course, silly!" she replied. "I took the gun and put the barrel into my left ear." She took her left hand and stuck her index finger in her left ear as she mimmicked pitting a gun to her head. "Then at the last minute" she said as he covered her right ear with the palm of her right hand, "I thought... This is gonna be loud."

[MCsommerreid]

Old woman calls a doctor and asks "Where is a womans heart?"

The doctor responds "About 1 inch below her left breast".

A day later the doctor sees the same old woman being rushed into the emergency room with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The doctor asks "What happened?!"

The old woman says "You said my heart was below my left breast!"

****

How can you tell if your computer has been used by a blond?

There's white out on the screen.

****

What's white and sits on the lawn?

Pattie O' Furniture

****

How do you know if a blond has been playing video games?

The joystick is wet.

****

How do you make a blonds eyes twinkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

****

Why wont sharks eat lawyers?

Proffessional courtesy.

****

Why wont sharks eat clowns?

They taste funny.

****

What do you have when you have 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

****

A doctor is contacted by a lawyer who asks him "Were you medically certain the deceased was really dead?"

The doctor says "Yes."

The lawyer asks "Did you take his pulse?"

The doctor responds "No. I did not."

The lawyer asks "Did you check for breathing?"

The doctor says "No, I did not."

The lawyer finally says "Then how, sir, do you know the deceased is really dead?!"

The doctor responds "Well, I have the mans brain in a jar on my desk. But for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

****

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck.

****

What do you call 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

****

A man is driving down the road, and as he is driving he sees a lawyer. IN keeping with tradition when he passes the lawyer he runs him down and kills him.

Further along the man sees a hitch hiker and notices that he is a priest. He figures a priest is OK so he gives him a ride.

A little more down the road he sees another lawyer walking and on reflex starts driving towards him. At the last minute he remembers that he has a priest in the car and swerves away.

He looks over to the priest and says "Oh no. I'm so sorry, I almost hit that lawyer!!"

The priest looks calmly at him and responds "Don't worry. I got him with the door."

****

Why are there so many lawyers in the US?

Because St. Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland.

****

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

[Shelby07]

Two buddies were sitting in a local tavern having a beer. One of the fellows noticed that his friend was in a really quiet mood.

"Have a tough day? he asked. His friend replied "Yeah, I went skydiving today."

The first fellow said, Really? I tried skydiving once and it wasn't bad at all. In fact, I had a great time. What happened?"

"Well..." his buddy said... "I got to the airfield and was pretty excited. I didn't know if I could go through with it, but the instructor said not to worry, He'd had that problem with first timers before and knew just how to handle it. So I strapped on the 'chute and off we went. I was the last one to jump, and when I got to that door, I froze. I told the instructor that I just couldn't do it. He told me not to worry, and he called Bubba out of the cockpit. He told me that if I didn't jump, Bubba was gonna fuck me up the ass!"

"Holy shit!" said his friend, "Did you jump?

"Well..." he said, "a little at first..."

[Shelby07]

A blonde gets on an airplane going to Chicago and sits down in the first class cabin. Soon after a man comes up and says, "I'm sorry m'am, you're sitting in my seat." The woman looks at him and says

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

The man didn't know what to do, so he called the flight attendant over. The fligh attendant told the woman that she had to take her seat in coach. The blonde said,

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

Not knowing what to do, the flight attendant called the captain over who, after hearing the story, again told the woman that she'd have to sit in her assigned seat in coach. The woman looked up at the captain and said

"Today is by birthday. I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago first class."

The captain leaned over and whispered something in the womans ear. Immediately she jumped up and took her seat in coach.

The puzzled but relieved flight attendant lookae at the captain and asked "What did you say to her?"
The captain replied. "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."