Divorce

[Shelby07]

I just read the entire thread and it just makes me sick when people have to go through this. I am so sorry for your misfortune. It sounds as if you have a great network of friends and family around you so I won't offer any emotional advice (you'll get plenty) but I will offer a little practical advice, if that's ok.

You are on an emotional roller coaster right now and probably are not thinking too clearly. I would venture to say that there is a part of you that really doesn't want this to happen. Right now it sounds as if she doesn't want much, or feels she doesn't deserve much. Over time that will probably change. She might start feeling bitter that you wouldn't take her back or that something you did "caused" her to seek out someone else, and sooner or later her friends are going to convince her that she deserves something for the years she has invested. Either way, it's gonna be your fault. If she gets a lawyer, it's all over. So the practical advice??

Protect whatever assets you have, even of you don't think there is much to protect. I know you took her name off your accounts, but in a lot of states that's still considered joint assets, as is everything you have acquired during the marriage (401K's, savings, gifts, etc.) Find out if you might be responsible for some of her schooling or support, especially if you have a pattern of pulling her through the tough times. Alimony really sucks. Don't let too much water go under the bridge before addressing the practical part of the divorce. It's too easy to just let things go until it's too late. At least talk with a lawyer and find out the facts about the state, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

If you're going to get the divorce, do it quickly before she has time to think about things. I know it sounds hard, and I don't even like saying it, but it's the way things work. Get the agreements in writing now and get the divorce over with as soon as possible.

And remember, she is getting advice and support, too.

[Loudpipes78]

I just read the entire thread and it just makes me sick when people have to go through this. I am so sorry for your misfortune. It sounds as if you have a great network of friends and family around you so I won't offer any emotional advice (you'll get plenty) but I will offer a little practical advice, if that's ok.

You are on an emotional roller coaster right now and probably are not thinking too clearly. I would venture to say that there is a part of you that really doesn't want this to happen. Right now it sounds as if she doesn't want much, or feels she doesn't deserve much. Over time that will probably change. She might start feeling bitter that you wouldn't take her back or that something you did "caused" her to seek out someone else, and sooner or later her friends are going to convince her that she deserves something for the years she has invested. Either way, it's gonna be your fault. If she gets a lawyer, it's all over. So the practical advice??

Protect whatever assets you have, even of you don't think there is much to protect. I know you took her name off your accounts, but in a lot of states that's still considered joint assets, as is everything you have acquired during the marriage (401K's, savings, gifts, etc.) Find out if you might be responsible for some of her schooling or support, especially if you have a pattern of pulling her through the tough times. Alimony really sucks. Don't let too much water go under the bridge before addressing the practical part of the divorce. It's too easy to just let things go until it's too late. At least talk with a lawyer and find out the facts about the state, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

If you're going to get the divorce, do it quickly before she has time to think about things. I know it sounds hard, and I don't even like saying it, but it's the way things work. Get the agreements in writing now and get the divorce over with as soon as possible.

And remember, she is getting advice and support, too.

I know she is getting advice and support, too but at this point it's only from co-workers at best, she really doesn't have anybody else, including her family. They are all quite upset with her that she went about things how she did, if the marriage was over then she should have ended it, not cheated, and then continued to do so even after the 2nd chance.

I spoke to lawyer Monday morning, he only does civil (working on a car accident for me at the moment), no divorce, but he said he knows how it all works and we ran down the majority of the big points.

If she went to get a lawyer at this point they most likely wouldn't take the case because the only thing for her to gain is 1/2 of approx. 8k.

Alimony... if anything I'm the one entitled to it... just based on her paying back money that was mine (my Dad's life insurance for example)

I have been very practical about this since Monday before it was over, prepared myself in case this got really nasty, even though I would be the one that would win that, too. If she decided to do play dirty she'd be entering a losing battle and actually knows better.

I am not sitting on my haunches through this, I'll be getting it resolved and ended, ASAP

[FunkyCold5]

Mike, sorry for what happened to you. Hang in there man. This is for the best.

Andrew

[sprangalang]

That sucks dude.
Hang in there. Listen to what Shelby and others said.
And remember, things always work out for the best.

[Shelby07]

...

I am not sitting on my haunches through this, I'll be getting it resolved and ended, ASAP

Glad to hear it... Hope my post wasn't out of line.

[Shagaroo]

Sorry you are having to go through this...

I know she is getting advice and support, too but at this point it's only from co-workers at best, she really doesn't have anybody else, including her family. They are all quite upset with her that she went about things how she did,

Now you know why she came in blubbering suddenly wanting to work it out... Good for you for standing your ground and not being her doormat. Regret sucks. It's better she lives with it rather than you.

[nhcigarfan]

Sorry to hear about this. It sounds like your handling your end the right way.

[CoventryCat86]

Have you actually started divorce proceedings yet? If you have, then dating someone AFTER the filing is irrelevant.

I don't know what to tell you, I've seen far worse like a 20+ year marriage, two kids, a co-owned business, a large house and lots of assets with a husband who was cheating for two years, wife found out, he agreed to stop seeing her, turns out he didn't, then three months later he moved out, she didn't fall apart but she was hurt very badly, husband comes back four days later and so far everything is fine and I think it will work.

I've got other similar stories but I'll spare you the details.

This Travis guy has got to be completely out of the picture if anything is to "work out" so.....

[Loudpipes78]

Have you actually started divorce proceedings yet? If you have, then dating someone AFTER the filing is irrelevant.

I don't know what to tell you, I've seen far worse like a 20+ year marriage, two kids, a co-owned business, a large house and lots of assets with a husband who was cheating for two years, wife found out, he agreed to stop seeing her, turns out he didn't, then three months later he moved out, she didn't fall apart but she was hurt very badly, husband comes back four days later and so far everything is fine and I think it will work.

I've got other similar stories but I'll spare you the details.

This Travis guy has got to be completely out of the picture if anything is to "work out" so.....

I am going to file in about 5 minutes. Start the ball rolling. I will get the paperwork for her to sign off on Wednesday when we see each other to deal with the Volkswagen.

There is nothing left to work out, it's done, I am not changing my mind or backing down now. She had her chance to remove the problem and she spent 2 more nights with him and fucked him and then said to my face that she chose HIM not ME. From that point on I finally knew what I had to do, move on with my own life. I don't have to worry about having to have someone meet me 1/2 way right now b/c it's me, myself, and I.

[CgarDan]

Mike, I think you are doing the right thing. And trust me when I say this, she slept with the guy long before that day when she admitted to it.

I have seen something very similar first hand. Unless you are ready to go through hell and take a chance at making the relationship work ( knowing that it might not happen ), you are doing exactly what you should.

In the long run you will be much better off

[nhcigarfan]

Nice thing about a clean break, uncontested divorce, is if she grovels, pleads and proves herself over time you could always date her again if you choose.

But then again, after you get the paperwork taken care of the and divorce is finalized, you can hit the gym for a few months, build up the confidence, feel good about yourself and then take the new, smoking hot - piece of ass - does it all with a smile girl, out to eat at your ex's workplace.

Because, you still want to be friends, right.