Divorce

[Loudpipes78]

I know I'm a newbie here but I have a feeling there are a couple guys around here that might be able to help guide me through this or... maybe not.

One person here knows my wife and I and coincidentally the full story what is forthcoming is a rough summary.

I want to share this because so far it has been helping me deal with a very rough last couple of days, the full story is like a made for TV movie drama but we'll stick to the Reader's Digest condensed version for now. The board I mod on has 20ish people that my wife and I both know and consider friends and I'm just not ready to share this over there yet.


Since I ended up typing out a whole lot more than planned here are the Cliff Notes.
Wife was in love with a co-worker.
I give her a week full of chances to end it and come home.
She uses none of them.
Chooses him over me and tells me she doesn't love me, hasn't for years.
I say fine, we decide to end it, start the process (off the bank acct, lease, etc)
Saturday morning before starting to move out she finally wants to make it work.
I tell her no.
Divorce papers will be filed this week.


IF YOU'RE WILLING TO READ ON YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET STRETCH, GET A CUP OF COFFEE, A GOOD SMOKE, ETC befoe doing so.





About 2 months ago there was a rash (3-4) incidents of my wife going out late after work with co-workers (she's a server in a high end steak house) and being out till 5-6am when the bar/club closes at 3 while not answering her cell. She always had an excuse and I had no reason to mistrust her especially when she swore to my face that nothing was going on with her Co-worker (a fucking POS Broiler Cook) named Travis.

I managed to get access to her cell phone often, her Gmail, and her myspace (password was Travis but I couldn't justify that as a reason to confront her) but I never found anything that I could use as proof to really confront her just stuff that could be dismissed as me being paranoid and some that showed my mistrust was not warranted.

I realized my mistrust was sabotaging the marriage so I stopped and decided to try really hard to be a better husband and fix whatever was wrong. I treated our relationship like we had just been dating a few months and doing ALL the small things again.

Friday the 1st was our 5 year anniversary of our engagement
Saturday the 2nd was our 6 year anniversary of our first date

Sunday I decided I would decorate the house for Christmas on my own since she had no interest in it "I just don't feel like dragging everything out and putting it back away next month." The last 2 years that was my attitude since it was my Dad's favorite time of the year and I had a hard time coping with his death in '04, she did it ALL for the holidays. I wanted to return the favor.

I hadn't checked her MySpace in 2-3 weeks and thing had seemed to be going well, she came home on time, was honest, etc etc. Mid-way through decorating something just clicked and I decided I had to. I found a message from a girl I didn't know. "Monday afternoon is fine to come by." Michelle's previous message to her was "I talked to your Mom but unfortunately missed you. For some reason I haven't been getting some texts and I guess you haven't gotten mine. I can come by Monday afternoon with Ruby (our dog) and you can see if you like us. Give me a call on my cell."

WTF! Well I check this chick's page and under her Blog's an Ad for having a room to rent.

It felt like someone hit me with a 2x4. I was stunned she was leaving me.

I confronted her on Sunday the 3rd she was suppose to go out that night dancing with Travis, his best friend and roommate Brandon, and her gay friend from work. I told her I didn't want her to go out and that she needed to be honest with me about EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON. She played dumb. So I played my hand told her I knew she was looking at a room to rent. I found out that she loved Travis, couldn't decide b/w him and I, and figured moving out would give her time to think. She swore up and down that they weren't sleeping together but had made out but nothing "sexual" had happened. To bad being in love with him is worse than just fucking someone. There was also a ton of "I don't know answers." She said that her Mom and Best Friend knew what was going on and their only advice was "Can Travis provide the same kind of life for you that Mike can?" WTF!?!?After some long silence and me pleading with her that I was willing to make this work if she got rid of him, go to marriage counseling, etc etc etc she decided she wanted to still go dance, drink, and blow off steam. I told her fine and she said she'd be home really late. I went and drank with my best friend (who luckily just moved into my apt. complex) and got home around 5am, she wasn't here. Never came home.

She messaged me in the morning and said she'd probably see me at lunch. Nope. Dog was gone, too. They were looking at the room. We chatted online a bit that afternoon. Asked her if she was moving out, "I'm still thinking about it but probably" what does that mean for us "I don't know but it's not over."

I had no clue where to start but I knew that I did want to make it work. After meeting my best friend's Dad for a beer or 2 (he's been divorced twice and is kinda like a Dad to me) I figured out where I stood.

If she moved out it was done.
If she wanted to make it work she had to:
Keep being honest.
Leave him 100%
Quit her job (since she works with him) I can get us by till she found something new.
We wouldn't have separate lives, me going and doing something, her doing something else, it would always be us doing something.
We would go to marriage counseling.

I was so exhausted by Monday night when she got home and I knew she would be, too.... that I told her I just wanted to hold her, go to bed, and we'd deal with it Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon I see her briefly at lunch, ask if she'll be home that night, she says she might get a drink after work. I tell her no, if she wants to I'll meet her out and we'll get a drink. No response. I spend the day revising my above points into an outline so I don't forget anything when we talk that night and it turns into a letter that covers everything. After she is off work I get a TM
"I am going to see Travis for a little while."
I replied with "OUCH, will you be coming home"
Her reply "I will be home later"
She rolled in at 3am.
I presented her the letter. It ended with I need a decision by Saturday afternoon and won't harp you about this, if you need to talk we'll talk. I will do whatever it takes to make this work.

Wednesday morning was a fury of TMs back and forth but they were all really positive. We agreed we were both exhausted, I'd take a 1/2 day at work, that I'd meet her when she was done with class (back in college) and we would take a nap then spend the day together. She then got called into work. I double checked the story (cell phone records) and it checked out. She was supposed to hit the bank and the grocery store but since she was so exhausted (from being out till 3am and up till almost 4am with me) I took care of that stuff.

Like Monday night we talked some when she got home Wednesday and go to bed. I suggest that I'll take Thursday afternoon off since she has the night off and she agrees that would be nice.

Thursday we meet at 1pm grab a nap, get lunch after, watch a DVD from Net Flix, take the dog to the dog park, talk for a long while, watch some TV and then at 10:15 her cell phone rings. It's Travis, he is wondering if she is coming out tonight.

I tell her that she's killing me, she can't go, and I need her to stay. "What you're doing is only further destroying any remaining chance we have of making this work." I told her I had said my piece in the letter and that was that, she could do what she thought was right but if she really needed to think on this issue she should do it with neither of us around and go to her Mom's or Grandma's. At 5 till 12 she gets up and goes to the bathroom, says she'll be back. I go walk the dog, I come in and she's coming down the stairs changed from a bathrobe to t-shirt and jeans. She's leaving. I ask her if this is really it, if it's over. Like she told me Sunday "I don't know, it's still 50/50, but I feel I need to see him to really make a decision." We talked and she agreed that she'd come home tonight after she made the decision regardless of what it was. When she finally left she never looked back at all but like the rest of the week had kissed me and told me she loved me before leaving.

I go out with my best friend till 4am, she's not home, I pass out exhausted and toss and turn. Nothing. 8:15 the alarm goes off and I call into work. She's not answering her cell either. I message her that "I am still willing to end this amicably if it's over but I need to know what's going on. I deserve for you to tell me what's up face to face."

No reply.

10:20am I get a TM from her best friend Jenn (Michelle was Jenn's matron of honor, I was Jenn's husband's best man.) "Hey are you coming to Jerry's b-day dinner Saturday night." Knowing she knew what was up I reply with "Unfortunately not, Michelle appears to be leaving me for Travis so I'm not really up for being sociable"

My phone rings instantly.

Jennifer has been working to try to get Michelle to try to get our marriage to work for months, to go to counseling, to do something, anything before opting to cheat. She was promised that Michelle would talk to me and we'd work things out. Hadn't happened at all. I realized if Jennifer and I had been lied too, maybe her Mom had, too. That was the case.

[Loudpipes78]

1pm I get a TM "On my way home"

Comes in and drops the bombs like
It's not going to work.
It's him not you.
I choose him not you.
I love him not you.
I haven't loved you for over a year and half.
You are a best friend and a roomate to me, not a romantic interest.

I keep my composure and ask why she is trying to rile me up, she says she isn't. I tell her that I am still going to be even and calm but obviously it's over. I ask her if she is going to divorce me, no response. I ask again, refer to the above points, and she says she will but has no clue where to start. I tell her I have to know if there was anything I could have done to save the marriage, she assures me there wasn't that it was solely her fault. "Now that I know it's over, I have to know did you fuck him."

Yes I did.
Then you lied when I asked Sunday.
No, we had sex for the first time last night.
I knew you did, I knew you had to try it, to see if you were compatible there, too. I knew as soon as you left that you were going to because you hadn't yet. You know what, you could have come home, said you fucked up, admitted to fucking him last night, and I still would have been willing to forgive and work hard to make this marriage a success again.


I ask her one final time, "This is it, you're sure we're done." Yes.

Ok...
You can't stay here anymore.
We need to split up our assets.
What do you feel you deserve? Nothing
I need your house key.
I need your wedding and engagement ring.
I need you off our lease.
I need you to cooperate with the divorce.
I need you off my bank accounts, etc
I ask her when she can move out, she says Saturday morning.
I tell her she can't stay here Friday night

She's fine with all of it but makes no move to call the person with the room. I call my leasing office and bank; find out its 2 short forms to get her removed if she comes in with me. So we go. She signs off. I write up a list about everything else.

She gets ready for work gets her stuff together for the night and leaves telling me she'll be back at 9am to get her stuff.

With in the first 5 minutes of walking in Saturday she is sobbing uncontrollably and mumbles "I don't want to go, I want to make this work."

I am stunned, all I've wanted to hear all week, all these chances, and she does it now. I ask her why

"I love you"

You didn't say that yesterday, in fact, you specifically said you didn't

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life without you."

I tell her that I'm sorry and that it's no longer an option, she had her chance. The next 3 hours she packed while balling uncontrollably. When she comes back from the first trip she doesn't cry at all. Before the final trip to the car of the day (still has some random stuff here) she grabs me and hugs me tight crying uncontrollably, I do the same. We finally break away and she compose herself, starts crying again, grabs me kisses me, and then leaves.

We haven't spoken since but had agreed that Wednesday we'll be dealing with hopefully 60% of the remaining 70-80% of what's left.

She says she wants nothing at all from me and so far has proven it.
We have no combined credit cards, no kids, don't own a home.
Divorce lawyers would cost more than what our assets are worth
She'll give me an uncontested divorce.
All of our friends have shut her out because of what she has done
Her Mom is furious with her and won't help her with anything right now either
She left here with clothes, random stuff, the dog (insistent about that and it really is 'hers' even though I love her to pieces. No furniture, nothing. I was nice enough to give her the old TV and the new DVD player (a cheap one) from the bedroom as well as the old love seat (even though right now it seems she has no way to get it since our friends with trucks are not speaking to her.)



So there it is... basically the last week of my life.

She threw it ALL away while I was willing to try to save it the whole time.


I'm sure there is a bunch I missed but I really don't feel like revising it all at the moment.

[drew_goring]

Wow, just wow. Really sorry to hear that man.

Sounds like it was for the best. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and you can go back to living life. Good luck with everything.

[Loudpipes78]

Wow, just wow. Really sorry to hear that man.

Sounds like it was for the best. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and you can go back to living life. Good luck with everything.

Thanks.

In the long run it will be for the best, for me at least, just right now the pain and everything else is really fresh.

I'm lucky I have a great group of friends around that is supporting me through this and helping me move on in any way that they can.

The only place I can go from here is up. I know I can make it on my own with no problem because there has been some stretches over the last 6 years that I've had to be the one to get BOTH of us by.

One thing I know for sure, I gave it everything I had, and then some.

[basil]

Goddamn bro.

Mike, I'm pretty sure that only in the movies do these kind of things work out. All her confusion about what she really wants is 100% BS. All those "I don't knows" are too. She damn well does know, and using that statement is crap. Of course she doesn't know who she wants; she is very, very sure about one thing: she does not want to commit. And she knows why too. It doesn't matter though, to anyone but her. And really, it's none of your business.

Flip that girl a quarter (35, now I guess) and tell her to call you when she grows up. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do for 1) a clean break, and 2) to get past this in a way that you have really let it go (whether or not she has is completely beside the point) so you can get on with your life.

It might not seem like it now, but all this drama won't be as important after some time has passed.

Life is too short for this kind of brain damage. I won't say good luck, because it ain't about luck. It's about how you choose to move forward.

[basil]

One thing I know for sure, I gave it everything I had, and then some.

This is a pretty important statement. As long as you know this, you get to walk away with no regrets.

[Loudpipes78]

Goddamn bro.

Mike, I'm pretty sure that only in the movies do these kind of things work out. All her confusion about what she really wants is 100% BS. All those "I don't knows" are too. She damn well does know, and using that statement is crap. Of course she doesn't know who she wants; she is very, very sure about one thing: she does not want to commit. And she knows why too. It doesn't matter though, to anyone but her. And really, it's none of your business.

Flip that girl a quarter (35, now I guess) and tell her to call you when she grows up. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do for 1) a clean break, and 2) to get past this in a way that you have really let it go (whether or not she has is completely beside the point) so you can get on with your life.

It might not seem like it now, but all this drama won't be as important after some time has passed.

Life is too short for this kind of brain damage. I won't say good luck, because it ain't about luck. It's about how you choose to move forward.

It will never "work out" now, I decided 100% yesterday there is no chance EVER things will turn around. It might be hard for me at times but she will be out of my like completely and I'll move on. I keep hearing from people that she is/was definitely confused but what you said.... DEAD FUCKING ON! Wow! "she is very, very sure about one thing: she does not want to commit. And she knows why too."

My best friend's Dad that helped me make my own decisions about all this (didn't tell me what to do or even what he would do) said the same shit. He's 51 and he said in 5-10 years when I'm in my 30s I'll look back and realize this was just a bump in the road of life.

Well so far any moving forward is and will continue to be on the high road. I will not try to hurt her like she did me even though a small part of me wants to. I wish her nothing but the best and I know karma will be around at some point to give her what she deserves.

This is a pretty important statement. As long as you know this, you get to walk away with no regrets.

It's the one thing I'm sure of in all of this and hopefully you're right so far it has made it easier because not one person I have talked to would have even given her a shot after hearing on Sunday "I love him."

[basil]

One other thing. You may have heard this already, but a divorce is a kind of death - the death of the relationship. And regardless of how much it needed to happen, it still takes a while to grieve, and move on. Important: Eat right, get plenty of rest, attend to your responsibilities, spend time with friends. Suit up, show up, and keep it simple.

[Empire23]

Sorry to hear about that. Ive never been through it in your case, but i just recently found out that the girl i was with on and off for 7 years was cheating on me too. Sorry, but in my book, once they cheat, its over. No more "We can make this work" stuff, its just over. If I cant trust someone, theres no way I want to live like that. I know you probably love her still because thats how I am with my ex, but nothing can fix cheating.

Good luck with everything else.

[bluesman455]

I didn't read your post.divorced in 93' here after 11 years my sons are 22 and 20 the bitch cheated on me and then left me... I kept the house she re- married and then cheated on him and got her 2nd divorce after 7 years and now she is going on her 3rd. BTW I still pay $165 a week in support because NYS. you pay untill 21.The thing that is getting me through this is...rum,bourbon and cigars and these BB's...hang in there bro'.

[dHUTCH]

I think someone already said it best...."wow." Drive on, beat the pain and you will soon be much happier than you were before. It will be tough, but that's what friends and family are for .

P.S. -Don't move apartments...care package coming your way!

[Roham]

Definitely time to move on. Don't look back. And when you are ready, start dating again. It will help get your mind off her. You are young and there are plenty of fish out there... Actually go to plentyoffish.com and fill out a profile, it's totaly free and it'll help get your mind off the current events.

[Baron Porthos]

That is some shit. Glad you were able to see it clearly. Sounds like you made the right decision. Let me know if you are getting out of town for a few days. The Milwaukee area sucks this time of year but for a day or two there are enough cigar lounges to visit.


Baron

[Bassfever]

Really sorry to hear this. Take it from someone who thought she could change and made the mistake of taking her back. They can't. You made the right choice. If you need to get away my door is always open. Time will heal

[BigMacFU]

sorry to read this loudpipes. Good luck with everything, hopefully it'll be a clean legal matter as you two are young and don't have kids.

Basil's advice is right on.

[ashauler]

Damn sorry to hear this Loudpipes!! It will get better though, from my experience:
1. came home one night, locks changed, clothes on the porch
2. had 37 cents in my pocket
3. went to the ATM.....empty
4. had to live with parents
5. got raped in the divorce
6. spent 16 years paying child support
7. met a GOOD woman
8. have been married to her for 15 years
9. she loves me
10. I love her

LIFE IS GOOD!! Even better because:
1. The EX has had 13 different guys in this time
2. Youngest daughter has a protection order against her and wants nothing to do with her
3. She is alone and lonely
4. she has gained 100 lbs since the divorce
5. She can't hold a job
6. I don't have to pay for it anymore.

Moral of this story.......Karma gives the best smack-down of all. Keep your head up and know that you made the best effort possible, and have held the high-ground through the whole deal. The pay-back she has coming will get there eventually, and you won't have to do a thing!!

[Loudpipes78]

Thanks all.... sitting here at my office for the first time since Thursday morning when I thought I still had a chance and it's kind of rough. I've been with my company for 4.5 years and we're like family here so it's going to be hard to tell everyone.

As of now I have no intention to move but if I do the updated address will be posted, luckily I am in a spot where I can sustain myself.

Roham, I'll definitely check out plentyoffish.com but not yet, I am not taking any chances by doing something... ur... someone... stupid until the divorce is final, it's just not worth the risk.

Roham and Baron Porthos, I appreciate the offer, and who knows, I may take you up on it at some point. Right now I have South Florida (Mom) and Tampa (Guado) in my immediate future but it's hard to say what I'll need or want after the first of the year. My best friend (like a lil' brother to me) and I are talking about 4 days in Las Vegas. "Vegas baby... VEGAS!!!!!" [/Swingers]

dHutch, the comment "drive on" made me smirk, the Montgomery Gentry song Speed has been playing a ton the last day or so and thanks in advance for the care package.

Basil, I made the death analogy myself yesterday morning for the first time, pondered out loud if work would give me "bereavement." I also really need to focus on sleeping enough and eating right because so far I've been bad about it but I recognized it was a problem Saturday and have already been working on correcting it.

My friends and family have been amazing so far and I know they will continue to be. The offers to go do something, get away, come take a trip, just talk etc, etc have been flowing in.




I fired up an RP OWR Friday night when I was having a couple beers with my friends, talking over everything, and it was such a great smoke. I've been holding the OWRs back for something special and I figured the restart of my life as an individual definitely called for it.


I am not going anywhere and updates will follow. Being able to write about this has been a big help already.



Thanks again everyone.

[Shelby07]

I just read the entire thread and it just makes me sick when people have to go through this. I am so sorry for your misfortune. It sounds as if you have a great network of friends and family around you so I won't offer any emotional advice (you'll get plenty) but I will offer a little practical advice, if that's ok.

You are on an emotional roller coaster right now and probably are not thinking too clearly. I would venture to say that there is a part of you that really doesn't want this to happen. Right now it sounds as if she doesn't want much, or feels she doesn't deserve much. Over time that will probably change. She might start feeling bitter that you wouldn't take her back or that something you did "caused" her to seek out someone else, and sooner or later her friends are going to convince her that she deserves something for the years she has invested. Either way, it's gonna be your fault. If she gets a lawyer, it's all over. So the practical advice??

Protect whatever assets you have, even of you don't think there is much to protect. I know you took her name off your accounts, but in a lot of states that's still considered joint assets, as is everything you have acquired during the marriage (401K's, savings, gifts, etc.) Find out if you might be responsible for some of her schooling or support, especially if you have a pattern of pulling her through the tough times. Alimony really sucks. Don't let too much water go under the bridge before addressing the practical part of the divorce. It's too easy to just let things go until it's too late. At least talk with a lawyer and find out the facts about the state, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

If you're going to get the divorce, do it quickly before she has time to think about things. I know it sounds hard, and I don't even like saying it, but it's the way things work. Get the agreements in writing now and get the divorce over with as soon as possible.

And remember, she is getting advice and support, too.

[Loudpipes78]

I just read the entire thread and it just makes me sick when people have to go through this. I am so sorry for your misfortune. It sounds as if you have a great network of friends and family around you so I won't offer any emotional advice (you'll get plenty) but I will offer a little practical advice, if that's ok.

You are on an emotional roller coaster right now and probably are not thinking too clearly. I would venture to say that there is a part of you that really doesn't want this to happen. Right now it sounds as if she doesn't want much, or feels she doesn't deserve much. Over time that will probably change. She might start feeling bitter that you wouldn't take her back or that something you did "caused" her to seek out someone else, and sooner or later her friends are going to convince her that she deserves something for the years she has invested. Either way, it's gonna be your fault. If she gets a lawyer, it's all over. So the practical advice??

Protect whatever assets you have, even of you don't think there is much to protect. I know you took her name off your accounts, but in a lot of states that's still considered joint assets, as is everything you have acquired during the marriage (401K's, savings, gifts, etc.) Find out if you might be responsible for some of her schooling or support, especially if you have a pattern of pulling her through the tough times. Alimony really sucks. Don't let too much water go under the bridge before addressing the practical part of the divorce. It's too easy to just let things go until it's too late. At least talk with a lawyer and find out the facts about the state, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

If you're going to get the divorce, do it quickly before she has time to think about things. I know it sounds hard, and I don't even like saying it, but it's the way things work. Get the agreements in writing now and get the divorce over with as soon as possible.

And remember, she is getting advice and support, too.

I know she is getting advice and support, too but at this point it's only from co-workers at best, she really doesn't have anybody else, including her family. They are all quite upset with her that she went about things how she did, if the marriage was over then she should have ended it, not cheated, and then continued to do so even after the 2nd chance.

I spoke to lawyer Monday morning, he only does civil (working on a car accident for me at the moment), no divorce, but he said he knows how it all works and we ran down the majority of the big points.

If she went to get a lawyer at this point they most likely wouldn't take the case because the only thing for her to gain is 1/2 of approx. 8k.

Alimony... if anything I'm the one entitled to it... just based on her paying back money that was mine (my Dad's life insurance for example)

I have been very practical about this since Monday before it was over, prepared myself in case this got really nasty, even though I would be the one that would win that, too. If she decided to do play dirty she'd be entering a losing battle and actually knows better.

I am not sitting on my haunches through this, I'll be getting it resolved and ended, ASAP

[FunkyCold5]

Mike, sorry for what happened to you. Hang in there man. This is for the best.

Andrew