A dubious honor...

[TampaSupremo]

Sorry for the length...

Most officers will tell you that they've had at least one run in with some nutty naked guy. Well, after eight years, I am finally a member of that sketchy club. It goes down like this:

We get a call of someone in a motel (one of our problem spots) fighting a naked male on a balcony. Great. I was assigned the call. Even better. Before I got there, three other PD units were onscene. I roll up and I see my partners on top of this guy. Wow, he really is naked isn't he? He's got his leg stuck in the railing that goes around the top floor and he's screaming that we are going to kill him, and we are not really police, etc (his friend said he did like four hits of acid earlier in the day). We get him cuffed, but we can't get him out of the railing. My buddy gets his baton out to pry one of the bars a little bit..."They're killing me with their batons!!!" Whatever.

We finally get him out and he tries to throw himself over the railing. I put my arms through his with my hands on the back of his head (wow, that doesn't sound right) and walked him toward the stairs around the corner. Suddenly he lunges for the railing directly in front of us and actually gets a leg over it with me still holding on to him with that convoluted hold. I snatch him back as hard as I can because I really didn't feel like taking a dive like that. We get to the stairs and he's fighting and bleeding and screaming and still naked. I realize that the stairs are going to be a nightmare so we take him to the ground and get EMS enroute. Meanwhile his friend is talking quietly to him. He's trying to get up and is screaming that we're killing him, and I notice my knee is mashing his jang. Awesome. We get the zip-ties on his ankles and he says we're cutting him in half. Someone throws a blanket on him and he starts yelling that we are going to set him on fire and that the blanket is made of acid (the legitimate chemistry-class kind). EMS shows up, he calms down (after EMS told him to "shut the fuck up") and he is transported to Grady Hospital.

His best line: "The blanket is made of acid! It's dissolving my skin and when you take it off you'll see, then they'll pour water on me and I'll disperse..."

Crazy as it sounds, I would take a call like this (preferably sans genitalia) over a domestic dispute any day.

Hope this gave you a little chuckle.

TampaSupremo

[chefchris]

"mashing his jang".

that one's new to me.

sweet story.

jang.

[CoventryCat86]

I love the real life cop stories because the truth is stranger than fiction.

Thanks for posting that one, it was freakin' hilarious!

[TampaSupremo]

Sadly, most of my experiences aren't as entertaining...And I don't mean that in a "My job is so serious, look at all the tragic things I've witnessed" kind of way. Lots of the calls we get are pretty straightforward...domestics, robberies, dope calls, traffic accidents, etc. This is one of the crazier things I've experienced in a long, long time.

TampaSupremo

[SmokinDVM]

I think you cops need to stop picking on those harmless acid freaks.

[WOXOF]

my knee is mashing his jang

LMAO

You should've let him jump the railing with his hands cuffed. That would have solved the whole stair issue and probably shut him up for a little while.

[ggiese]

I've found a stock of tin-foil hats to be a valuable staple in my inventory. I've had all sorts of whacko's - nothing a good tinfoil hat won't cure. Just tell 'em it works wonders at keeping the radio signals/outer space rays out. I got the idea when I saw a whacko woman put tin-foil on her windows. When I asked about it she told me very matter of factly - "it keeps the rays out". I figured if it worked for her, it could work for others. I've not had any complaints - yet.

Of course - down by you they're "crazy" - where I worked it was "eccentric"...