Wedding Planning Blues

[Cabaiguan Juan]

Wow, thanks for focusing me on the end goal. I'm 31 days away as of today and since Vegas is no longer an option, I might as well try and motivate people with possitive stuff rather then get ready for the fight.
Cinda, my folks have been divorced since Christ was a kid and my mom hates my dad like crazy. Any advice on how to over come this challenge?

[heftysmokes]

If I might add my two cents about the divorced parents that hate each other, I think it's best if you remind them that the wedding is about YOU and not THEM. Of course you can't just say it that way, but I think you need to try to find the right words to tell them that they have to, if not bury their differences, at least put them aside for a few days to help make this the happy time in your life you know they want it to be for you.

[cinda]

Wow, thanks for focusing me on the end goal. I'm 31 days away as of today and since Vegas is no longer an option, I might as well try and motivate people with possitive stuff rather then get ready for the fight.
Cinda, my folks have been divorced since Christ was a kid and my mom hates my dad like crazy. Any advice on how to over come this challenge?

My dad was and is a very hard worker. In his hay day he played as hard as he worked which left little time for this wife. She had her reasons for her hate. My dad a month before my sister's wedding basically said to me I will do anything you tell me to do to make this right. I explained to him he would have to sit in the pew behind mom in church, it was still up front just not with her and he said fine. I also ask him not to drink before the wedding ceremony and not to get so drunk that he forgets the nice thing is he doing for his kids right now. He agreed. My sister was stunning, my dad so handsome all of the brides maids were up at the alter. After dad hands my sister off to her husband ,I look over at the pew behind mom and it's full! Mom has no one in her pew but her. My dad is kind of nervous and I know all he rememebrs is that he going to turn around and see mom and sit in back of her. When he see's there is no room for him he looks at my mother like please just push in and she holds on tight to the front of the pew and will not let him in. The church was packed so he had to go about ten rows back until he found a seat. My sister saw out of the conner of her eye and I smiled at her trying to reassure her it was OK, but inside my heart broke. I would say that was the talk of the reception. My mother who had empathy from all prior to that day really made a new name for herself. I did not say anything to her until a few months later when we were looking at the pictures. She made some comment like ya he tried to sit with me and I stood my ground. I explained to her why he tried to sit with her and she said I do not care and "God would not like it' I said well just remember mom that day will be remembered by god ,all of your family and your children as the day you were the bad one. From that time forward she snap out of it she even gives him a hug on holidays when we are together. Hopefully you have one that will take a back seat for you and suck it up. Try to sit them far apart for dinner. We invited one of my dads good friend and his wife and that kept him occupied. Give them each a responsibility that has nothing to do with each other. We told dad to keep an eye on the bar and people getting too drunk and we told mom to keep an eye on weddning. cards. I just pray that once you begin having kids they can agree that their grand-kids are more important then the anger they keep fueling between them. I will say a prayer for you and you honey that all goes well.

[The Korean]

My dad was and is a very hard worker. In his hay day he played as hard as he worked which left little time for this wife. She had her reasons for her hate. My dad a month before my sister's wedding basically said to me I will do anything you tell me to do to make this right. I explained to him he would have to sit in the pew behind mom in church, it was still up front just not with her and he said fine. I always ask him not to drink before the wedding ceremony and not to get so drunk that he forgets the nice thing is he doing for his kids right now. He agreed. My sister was stunning, my dad so handsome all of the brides maids were up at the alter. After dad hands her off to her husband I look over at the pew behind mom and its full! Mom has no one in her pew but her. My dad is kinda nervous and I know all he know that he gonna turn around and see mom and sit in back of her. When he see there no room for him he looks at my mother like please just push in and she holds on tight to the front of the pew and will not let him in. The church was packed so he had to go about ten rows back until he found a seat. My sister saw out of the conner of her eyes and I smiled at her trying to reassure her it was OK but inside my heart broke. I would say that was the talk of the reception. My mother who had empathy from all prior to that day really made a new name for herself. I did not say anything to her until a few months later when we were looking at the pictures. She made some comment like ya he tried to sit with me and I stood my ground. I explained to her why he tried to sit with her and she said I do not care and "God would not like it' I said well just remember mom that day will be remembered by god all of your family and your children as the day you were the bad one. From that time forward she snap out of it she even gives him a hug on holidays when we are together. Hopefully you have one that will take a back seat for you and suck it up. Try to sit them far apart for dinner. We invited one of my dads good friend and his wife and that kept him occupied. Give them each a responsibility that has nothing to do with each other. We told dad to keep an eye on the bar and people getting too drunk and we told mom told to keep an eye on weddning. cards. I just pray for you that once you begin having kids they can agree that their grand-kids are more important that the anger they keep fueling between them. I will say a prayer for you and you honey that all goes well.

Wow, thanks for sharing.

My parents were divorced for 12+ years before any of my siblings or I got married. I suppose it has gotten better over the years (now 22+ years) but it sadly has been accepted that they will not attend the same family functions. I suppose they have reasons, but it doesn't make sense to me still.

[Cabaiguan Juan]

Thanks Cinda. My dad has basically forgiven my mom and moved on, but my mom still has not let go of her issues with my dad. Heather (my bride) and I have already discussed what to do about this and while not exact to your situation, its going to be similar. I think my moms biggest hurdle is seeing my dad for the first time in 10-15 years and the unexpected anxiety that is going to come with it. To cope with that I have invited one of her closest friends and will ask some of my good friends who are invited to help me out in keeping her occupied on the wedding and not my Dad. We'll see what happens! I think Heather's family may have a similar challenge too. I'm just going to have to wait 30 days to see what happens.

As for this weekend, Heather is begrudgingly heading down to Charlottesville again to do 'wedding planning stuff', but I'm going to send her down with a hand written note from myself thanking her parents for all the work and effort and planning that they have put into this. If nothing else that will make the weekend start off on a good note.

[cinda]

Thanks Cinda. My dad has basically forgiven my mom and moved on, but my mom still has not let go of her issues with my dad. Heather (my bride) and I have already discussed what to do about this and while not exact to your situation, its going to be similar. I think my moms biggest hurdle is seeing my dad for the first time in 10-15 years and the unexpected anxiety that is going to come with it. To cope with that I have invited one of her closest friends and will ask some of my good friends who are invited to help me out in keeping her occupied on the wedding and not my Dad. We'll see what happens! I think Heather's family may have a similar challenge too. I'm just going to have to wait 30 days to see what happens.

As for this weekend, Heather is begrudgingly heading down to Charlottesville again to do 'wedding planning stuff', but I'm going to send her down with a hand written note from myself thanking her parents for all the work and effort and planning that they have put into this. If nothing else that will make the weekend start off on a good note.

That sounds like a good plan!

[Cabaiguan Juan]

That sounds like a good plan!

The plan paid off pretty well!

[mrtr33]

If I may be so bold as to offer more advice, as I just got done with my wedding a few weeks ago:

Eat before you get married. This may be difficult to do, but you won't be doing much eating at your own wedding. And make sure you get your best man or the maid of honor to pack you a lunch, as you'll get hungry later on that evening after the reception! I think I sat down for about 10 minutes throughout the whole thing. I got there early, to help out, but wasn't allowed to. I basically just kind of stood in a corner, and waited for people to come and talk to me. Everyone was so worried I was going to somehow accidentally see the bride before the wedding. I realize that it's tradition, but I thought it was stupid. Here, I'm marrying my best friend, and I can't see her all day until the moment she walks up the aisle? It just seems kinda dumb.

We tried to talk to everyone, but it was hard. Theoretically, while the wedding should be all about YOU TWO, it realistically isn't. People say that you don't just marry the woman, you marry the family, so (at least some) of it is about your families getting along as well.

My 2 cents. Good luck, and congrats!

[AshLvr]

Although I regret the embarrassment Cinda's family suffered during her mothers'
"inappropriate" behaviour, there is more than some of you may understand. As your
mother, I too have bitter feelings towards my daughters bio-dad. Fortunately, I was
the one who insisted the girls have their "father" walk them down the aisle. Also lady
enough to walk back down the aisle with the jerk and the grooms' mother (also a
divorcee').

You may not understand, but there are sometimes things that are said and done in
ending a marriage that are unforgettable. These usually result in great pain. Do not
simply try to brush away your mothers' feelings. Until you walk in her shoes, you have
no right to criticize. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Grow up, stop being so
selfish as to think that everyone should tip-toe around you and your own precious feelings.
Perhaps if more grown children could experience the same feeling their thoughts on the
subject would be much different. Be understanding. Truly, your parents hope that you
never have to suffer through a divorce.

[ashauler]

Although I regret the embarrassment Cinda's family suffered during her mothers'
"inappropriate" behaviour, there is more than some of you may understand. As your
mother, I too have bitter feelings towards my daughters bio-dad. Fortunately, I was
the one who insisted the girls have their "father" walk them down the aisle. Also lady
enough to walk back down the aisle with the jerk and the grooms' mother (also a
divorcee').

You may not understand, but there are sometimes things that are said and done in
ending a marriage that are unforgettable. These usually result in great pain. Do not
simply try to brush away your mothers' feelings. Until you walk in her shoes, you have
no right to criticize. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Grow up, stop being so
selfish as to think that everyone should tip-toe around you and your own precious feelings.
Perhaps if more grown children could experience the same feeling their thoughts on the
subject would be much different. Be understanding. Truly, your parents hope that you
never have to suffer through a divorce.

To whom is this directed? I don't see anyone who has posted in this thread as acting selfish or immature......rather just the opposite.

[cinda]

...hummmm I am thinking you have way too much untapped personal baggage regarding whatever you were trying to say, for me to comment

[Cabaiguan Juan]

Yeah, I think I will have a ahnd on the parent thing at this point. 3 weeks away and the card thing worked wonders. Looks like I'm on the home stretch.

[cinda]

Yeah, I think I will have a ahnd on the parent thing at this point. 3 weeks away and the card thing worked wonders. Looks like I'm on the home stretch.

Great!!!!!!

[Cabaiguan Juan]

A buddy of mine was married Friday night in a vineyard near charlottesville and Heather and I attended it. It was an amazing experience. It sort of put a lot of stuff into perspective. Seeing the level of excitement on my friend and his bride really brought me back to what weddings are all about. The whole event was fantastic, the venue was impecibly put together, the parents of both TJ and (his) Heather were beaming and TJ/Heather were on cloud 9. It made me forget about all of the hassel and disagreements one (specificly me) can have during the planning stages and showed me what the end product can be. In a way, TJ's wedding was almost like like someone sent me one of those cards that i sent last weekend. There wedding helped motivate, focus and remind me on why I'm doing this in the first place. Well, 3 weeks from today and I'll be in TJ's shoes, thank God!

[The Korean]

Although I regret the embarrassment Cinda's family suffered during her mothers'
"inappropriate" behaviour, there is more than some of you may understand. As your
mother, I too have bitter feelings towards my daughters bio-dad. Fortunately, I was
the one who insisted the girls have their "father" walk them down the aisle. Also lady
enough to walk back down the aisle with the jerk and the grooms' mother (also a
divorcee').

You may not understand, but there are sometimes things that are said and done in
ending a marriage that are unforgettable. These usually result in great pain. Do not
simply try to brush away your mothers' feelings. Until you walk in her shoes, you have
no right to criticize. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Grow up, stop being so
selfish as to think that everyone should tip-toe around you and your own precious feelings.
Perhaps if more grown children could experience the same feeling their thoughts on the
subject would be much different. Be understanding. Truly, your parents hope that you
never have to suffer through a divorce.

WOW!!