Wedding Planning Blues

[mrtr33]

I have a contest in the works regarding my actual wedding date, so I'm not up for saying much until the end of this month, but I remember what it was like when I was at the 5 weeks out state, and thought I'd offer some advice. By the way, you should all check out my contest in the Contest section of the boards.

First of all, it sounds like you and your bride to be are on the same page about having a wedding. So that's good. Weddings aren't for everybody, but we wanted a ceremony where our friends and family could attend, so we went the route of planning a wedding.

Mother in Law's can be a hassle. In my case, the mother-in-law to be was mellower during the planning stages than the bride. While everyone everywhere wants the perfect wedding, we are on a budget. Getting things done has been more about creativity than anything else. Your parents may get onto you as well about being the intermediary with whomever you are getting to do the rehearsal dinner. A logical person (and I'm not saying ANY member of ANY wedding party, sans you of course, is logical during this process) would think that the rehearsal dinner was a matter between the groom's parents and the caterer. For any indecisiveness on the part of your inherent responsibilities, I suggest stepping in, putting your food down on making a decision, and moving on. If they come to you to complain about something, they don't care enough about the outcome.

Above all else, make sure the bride is happy. This can involve calling wedding planners, mother in laws, your parents, etc. You are her man, and she will look to you to fix the headaches. Keep her happy, but keep her in check, too. You're kind of like a captain on a ship that you don't get to steer. Also, please keep in mind the point of the entire ceremony, the whole point of your wedding, is that at the end, you are married to your wife. As for the little things, ask yourself if it's worth the time or effort to confront them. Some cases it is, some it isn't.

I'd love to talk with you more in detail June 1st. Checking out my contest will make it clear why.

Good luck!

[cinda]

.
The first wedding in my family was when my sister got married. My mom and dad had been divorced for at least 10 years however my mom still very much hated him. She refused to sit in the same pew with him at the church because"God would not like it" I won't say anymore but I will always remember that year of my life one of craziest ever. I was the acting mother of bride, matron of honor and so much more .

Any cater knows how much a to charge per head, that's like saying Micky Dee's doesn't know how much a birthday party for 10 will cost. If your talking about the cater for your wedding I sit down with him or her now and ask to sign a contract with a total cost for his services and what your getting for that cost. My rehearsal dinner was just the wedding party at a local restaurant, really low key and intimate. I would say to your dad just give me what you feel comfortable giving me no worries My guess is when its all said and done he may add more to your card.

As for the mother in law I might send her flowers with a card saying something real positive, profound about two family's uniting and validating how happy you are to have found the perfect woman and thanking her in advance for making theses last few days before the wedding memories you will always cherish. I would send your mom something similar. All in all go back to basics;you do this for a living ...motivating people. Keep smiling and make sure the bride is happy

[Cabaiguan Juan]

Wow, thanks for focusing me on the end goal. I'm 31 days away as of today and since Vegas is no longer an option, I might as well try and motivate people with possitive stuff rather then get ready for the fight.
Cinda, my folks have been divorced since Christ was a kid and my mom hates my dad like crazy. Any advice on how to over come this challenge?

[heftysmokes]

If I might add my two cents about the divorced parents that hate each other, I think it's best if you remind them that the wedding is about YOU and not THEM. Of course you can't just say it that way, but I think you need to try to find the right words to tell them that they have to, if not bury their differences, at least put them aside for a few days to help make this the happy time in your life you know they want it to be for you.

[cinda]

Wow, thanks for focusing me on the end goal. I'm 31 days away as of today and since Vegas is no longer an option, I might as well try and motivate people with possitive stuff rather then get ready for the fight.
Cinda, my folks have been divorced since Christ was a kid and my mom hates my dad like crazy. Any advice on how to over come this challenge?

My dad was and is a very hard worker. In his hay day he played as hard as he worked which left little time for this wife. She had her reasons for her hate. My dad a month before my sister's wedding basically said to me I will do anything you tell me to do to make this right. I explained to him he would have to sit in the pew behind mom in church, it was still up front just not with her and he said fine. I also ask him not to drink before the wedding ceremony and not to get so drunk that he forgets the nice thing is he doing for his kids right now. He agreed. My sister was stunning, my dad so handsome all of the brides maids were up at the alter. After dad hands my sister off to her husband ,I look over at the pew behind mom and it's full! Mom has no one in her pew but her. My dad is kind of nervous and I know all he rememebrs is that he going to turn around and see mom and sit in back of her. When he see's there is no room for him he looks at my mother like please just push in and she holds on tight to the front of the pew and will not let him in. The church was packed so he had to go about ten rows back until he found a seat. My sister saw out of the conner of her eye and I smiled at her trying to reassure her it was OK, but inside my heart broke. I would say that was the talk of the reception. My mother who had empathy from all prior to that day really made a new name for herself. I did not say anything to her until a few months later when we were looking at the pictures. She made some comment like ya he tried to sit with me and I stood my ground. I explained to her why he tried to sit with her and she said I do not care and "God would not like it' I said well just remember mom that day will be remembered by god ,all of your family and your children as the day you were the bad one. From that time forward she snap out of it she even gives him a hug on holidays when we are together. Hopefully you have one that will take a back seat for you and suck it up. Try to sit them far apart for dinner. We invited one of my dads good friend and his wife and that kept him occupied. Give them each a responsibility that has nothing to do with each other. We told dad to keep an eye on the bar and people getting too drunk and we told mom to keep an eye on weddning. cards. I just pray that once you begin having kids they can agree that their grand-kids are more important then the anger they keep fueling between them. I will say a prayer for you and you honey that all goes well.

[The Korean]

My dad was and is a very hard worker. In his hay day he played as hard as he worked which left little time for this wife. She had her reasons for her hate. My dad a month before my sister's wedding basically said to me I will do anything you tell me to do to make this right. I explained to him he would have to sit in the pew behind mom in church, it was still up front just not with her and he said fine. I always ask him not to drink before the wedding ceremony and not to get so drunk that he forgets the nice thing is he doing for his kids right now. He agreed. My sister was stunning, my dad so handsome all of the brides maids were up at the alter. After dad hands her off to her husband I look over at the pew behind mom and its full! Mom has no one in her pew but her. My dad is kinda nervous and I know all he know that he gonna turn around and see mom and sit in back of her. When he see there no room for him he looks at my mother like please just push in and she holds on tight to the front of the pew and will not let him in. The church was packed so he had to go about ten rows back until he found a seat. My sister saw out of the conner of her eyes and I smiled at her trying to reassure her it was OK but inside my heart broke. I would say that was the talk of the reception. My mother who had empathy from all prior to that day really made a new name for herself. I did not say anything to her until a few months later when we were looking at the pictures. She made some comment like ya he tried to sit with me and I stood my ground. I explained to her why he tried to sit with her and she said I do not care and "God would not like it' I said well just remember mom that day will be remembered by god all of your family and your children as the day you were the bad one. From that time forward she snap out of it she even gives him a hug on holidays when we are together. Hopefully you have one that will take a back seat for you and suck it up. Try to sit them far apart for dinner. We invited one of my dads good friend and his wife and that kept him occupied. Give them each a responsibility that has nothing to do with each other. We told dad to keep an eye on the bar and people getting too drunk and we told mom told to keep an eye on weddning. cards. I just pray for you that once you begin having kids they can agree that their grand-kids are more important that the anger they keep fueling between them. I will say a prayer for you and you honey that all goes well.

Wow, thanks for sharing.

My parents were divorced for 12+ years before any of my siblings or I got married. I suppose it has gotten better over the years (now 22+ years) but it sadly has been accepted that they will not attend the same family functions. I suppose they have reasons, but it doesn't make sense to me still.

[Cabaiguan Juan]

Thanks Cinda. My dad has basically forgiven my mom and moved on, but my mom still has not let go of her issues with my dad. Heather (my bride) and I have already discussed what to do about this and while not exact to your situation, its going to be similar. I think my moms biggest hurdle is seeing my dad for the first time in 10-15 years and the unexpected anxiety that is going to come with it. To cope with that I have invited one of her closest friends and will ask some of my good friends who are invited to help me out in keeping her occupied on the wedding and not my Dad. We'll see what happens! I think Heather's family may have a similar challenge too. I'm just going to have to wait 30 days to see what happens.

As for this weekend, Heather is begrudgingly heading down to Charlottesville again to do 'wedding planning stuff', but I'm going to send her down with a hand written note from myself thanking her parents for all the work and effort and planning that they have put into this. If nothing else that will make the weekend start off on a good note.

[cinda]

Thanks Cinda. My dad has basically forgiven my mom and moved on, but my mom still has not let go of her issues with my dad. Heather (my bride) and I have already discussed what to do about this and while not exact to your situation, its going to be similar. I think my moms biggest hurdle is seeing my dad for the first time in 10-15 years and the unexpected anxiety that is going to come with it. To cope with that I have invited one of her closest friends and will ask some of my good friends who are invited to help me out in keeping her occupied on the wedding and not my Dad. We'll see what happens! I think Heather's family may have a similar challenge too. I'm just going to have to wait 30 days to see what happens.

As for this weekend, Heather is begrudgingly heading down to Charlottesville again to do 'wedding planning stuff', but I'm going to send her down with a hand written note from myself thanking her parents for all the work and effort and planning that they have put into this. If nothing else that will make the weekend start off on a good note.

That sounds like a good plan!

[AshLvr]

Although I regret the embarrassment Cinda's family suffered during her mothers'
"inappropriate" behaviour, there is more than some of you may understand. As your
mother, I too have bitter feelings towards my daughters bio-dad. Fortunately, I was
the one who insisted the girls have their "father" walk them down the aisle. Also lady
enough to walk back down the aisle with the jerk and the grooms' mother (also a
divorcee').

You may not understand, but there are sometimes things that are said and done in
ending a marriage that are unforgettable. These usually result in great pain. Do not
simply try to brush away your mothers' feelings. Until you walk in her shoes, you have
no right to criticize. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Grow up, stop being so
selfish as to think that everyone should tip-toe around you and your own precious feelings.
Perhaps if more grown children could experience the same feeling their thoughts on the
subject would be much different. Be understanding. Truly, your parents hope that you
never have to suffer through a divorce.

[ashauler]

Although I regret the embarrassment Cinda's family suffered during her mothers'
"inappropriate" behaviour, there is more than some of you may understand. As your
mother, I too have bitter feelings towards my daughters bio-dad. Fortunately, I was
the one who insisted the girls have their "father" walk them down the aisle. Also lady
enough to walk back down the aisle with the jerk and the grooms' mother (also a
divorcee').

You may not understand, but there are sometimes things that are said and done in
ending a marriage that are unforgettable. These usually result in great pain. Do not
simply try to brush away your mothers' feelings. Until you walk in her shoes, you have
no right to criticize. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Grow up, stop being so
selfish as to think that everyone should tip-toe around you and your own precious feelings.
Perhaps if more grown children could experience the same feeling their thoughts on the
subject would be much different. Be understanding. Truly, your parents hope that you
never have to suffer through a divorce.

To whom is this directed? I don't see anyone who has posted in this thread as acting selfish or immature......rather just the opposite.

[cinda]

...hummmm I am thinking you have way too much untapped personal baggage regarding whatever you were trying to say, for me to comment

[The Korean]

Although I regret the embarrassment Cinda's family suffered during her mothers'
"inappropriate" behaviour, there is more than some of you may understand. As your
mother, I too have bitter feelings towards my daughters bio-dad. Fortunately, I was
the one who insisted the girls have their "father" walk them down the aisle. Also lady
enough to walk back down the aisle with the jerk and the grooms' mother (also a
divorcee').

You may not understand, but there are sometimes things that are said and done in
ending a marriage that are unforgettable. These usually result in great pain. Do not
simply try to brush away your mothers' feelings. Until you walk in her shoes, you have
no right to criticize. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. Grow up, stop being so
selfish as to think that everyone should tip-toe around you and your own precious feelings.
Perhaps if more grown children could experience the same feeling their thoughts on the
subject would be much different. Be understanding. Truly, your parents hope that you
never have to suffer through a divorce.

WOW!!