Humor Contest

[Desert Rat]

Great work guys,

Contest ends in a few hours, and there is no stand out winner yet. There are some Perdomo's and Astral's in the stash also.

.

[toasty]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[toasty]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[MCsommerreid]

A woman walks into a pet store and says to the owner "Hi, I'd like to buy a parrot".

The owner says "Well, all I got is this one parrot left, but he has a very foul mouth."

Perfectly timed the parrot responds with "Damn right mother fucker".

The old woman doesn't even bat an eye and says "I'll straighten the bird out. I'll take him"

So she goes home and sets the bird cage up and says to the bird "Now, I don't want to hear another bad word out of your mouth.

The bird, being particularly surley, says "Fuck you, bitch".

The woman takes the bird and puts it in the fridge for 10 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Now, the next time you swear I'll put you in for 20 minutes".

The parrot says "Go to hell an die, you old cock sucking whore".

So the old lady puts the bird in the fridge for 20 minutes. When she takes the bird out she says "Next time it's into the freezer with you."

The bird says "FUCK YOU!!"

So into the freezer the bird goes. Now the parrot is feeling cold and board and looks around and sees a frozen dinner chicken sitting next to it and says "Jesus H Christ!! What did you say to her?!"

****

Man walks into a bar (as men are wont to do) and goes to the bar and asks for a beer. He looks up and sees the most beautiful nativity scene he has seen in his life.

So he calls over the bartender and says "You know, that's a beautiful nativity scene, but there's one problem...why are the three wise men wearing firemens hats?"

The bartender says in an extreme southern drawl "Well, you all know that the three wise men came from a fire".

[MCsommerreid]

A woman is cooking muffins, and she puts the muffins in the oven.

While in the oven one muffin looks at the other and says "Boy, sure is hot in here."

The other muffin does a double take and says "Holy crap!! A talking muffin!"

[Newfie]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? " she asked.

"They're mating" her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked

"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered

"So, is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked

"No, " her Father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs"

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped it flat, 'Well, it might be OK in Ontario and British Columbia, but we're not having any of that shit in Newfoundland!"

Remember, you can marry a fag in Canada, but don't you dare get caught smoking one!

[MCsommerreid]

A girl and her mother are in a doctors office and the girl goes up to her mother and says "Mommy mommy!! I need to take a piss!!!"

The mom is appaled and says "Please don't say words like that. Say something else. Say you need to whisper."

So the girl says "Mommy, I need to whisper". So she uses the bathroom and they go home.

The girl late at night wakes up and need to use the bathroom so she goes and wakes up her dad and says "Daddy, I need to whisper."

So her dad says "Ok honey, whisper in daddys ear."